Well, Looks Like 99% of Americans Living in the South are Terrorists


The FBI and Homeland Security have released a list that contains what might make someone a domestic terrorist (or a terrorist in general).  This list pretty much indicates that most of the population of the southern United States (and many regions of Appalachia) are terrorists.   Let’s take a look at some of the most ignorant items on this list.  And by ignorant I mean these are REALLY fucking stupid.  See for yourself.

Note the NRA hat, the Marlboro Reds, and the shirt that MAY indicate something along the lines of violence to another person on Cletus, and the OBVIOUS crossed eyes from "terroristin'" on Bucephelus. Also, Bucephalus's name sounds A LOT like "encephalitis" which is a brain illness you can contract from mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that were probably released by terrorists.

  • Second Amendment-oriented views (NRA or gun club membership, holding a CCW permit) and frequent proclamation of  Constitutional Rights- Basically, the 2nd Amendment protects the right’s of U.S. citizens to keep and bear arms.  There are several versions of the text for this Amendment, two of which are:
    As passed by the Congress:  A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. 
    As ratified by the States
    : A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.This fundamental right was viewed as important by early ‘Merican’s for a few reasons:

    • deterring undemocratic government;
    • repelling invasion;
    • suppressing insurrection;
    • facilitating a natural right of self-defense;
    • participating in law enforcement;
    • enabling the people to organize a militia system

    So, in essence, if you tout your right to keep firearms, support Charlton Heston and the NRA, or possess a gun permit, and you talk about that shit, there is a good indication you are being a terrorist.  Go look in the mirror you sad sunuvabitch.

    And proclamation of CONSTITUTIONAL GODDAMN RIGHTS?!?! The Constitution was created by our FOUNDING FUCKING FOREFATHERS to outline our INALIENABLE RIGHTS!! Soooooo every one of the brave men that founded OUR COUNTRY were apparently terrorists.  Because, HA! These fools actually believed the shit they founded an entire country ON!! It’s like the biggest April Fools joke EVER!!

    The NRA was created by PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE!!!

  • Survivalist literature (fictional books such as “Patriots” and “One Second After” are mentioned by name) – Any books about self sufficiency, surviving during and after sort of catastrophe disaster (ELE and/or TEOTWAWKI), and basically teaching you how to keep your ass alive indicates that, yes, you are probably a terrorist or at some point you may become one.  Why should we know how to keep ourselves and our families alive if one day the world decides “Fuck you, I’m over you existing. I think you need to die right now!”  Answer:  You are actually supposed to just give up.  I mean, why try, right?  Just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out and maybe when you wake up you’ll think more clearly.
  • Self-sufficiency (stockpiling food, ammo, hand tools, medical supplies) – Oh boy.  I’ve seen a few “couponers” on TV that are fucked ROYALLY right now.  They need to stop stockpiling their shit, take turns posting up at their windows and doors, and keep a keen eye out for the law enforcement that is going to raid their house at any time and steal all of that creamed corn they have in their “walk in cupboard whose design was influenced by God”.  Contrary to popular belief, you are supposed to run out of food so you can go spend all of your money at the grocery stores.  If you have a gun, forget ammo, just shoot peas from your stockpiles of food.  Hand tools?  HA! Use your teeth.  Injured? Don’t use band aids or gauze,  just bleed.  Headache?  Punch yourself in the groin until that pain overpowers that silly headache of yours.  You aren’t supposed to use Excedrin.  Terrorists use Excedrin you silly bastard.

    What a terrorist's table may look like. Take a mental picture.

  • Religious views concerning the book of Revelation (apocalypse, anti-Christ) – I’m not particularly religious.  Okay, I’m not religious AT ALL.  But every minister, priest, bishop, deacon, reverend, WHATEVER, in the world have religious views on the book of Revelation right now.  So, basically when you go to church on Sunday it’s not a congregation of fellow Christians, it’s a fucking terrorist gathering.   The rise of the anti-Christ, the mark of the beast, the Apocalypse… It’s all terrorist propaganda.  The conspiracy theory behind the book of Revelation is that the mark of the beast is actually a tracking chip that is implanted into people during surgeries and what not.  This may not be so far fetch as it actually happened recently.  Scary shit.  The whole Apocalypse thing sounds a lot like nuclear war and the anti-Christ is probably a member of the famed Illuminatiwho tries to rally the world under one leader.   The fact that they don’t want people believing this stuff is because they want to divert your attention from what is really happening.  At least, that’s the theory.  And only terrorists believe that sort of thing. 
  • Homeschooling – This is surprising.  Homeschooling.  Huh.  Who would have thought?  I mean, don’t even bother to take into account that public schools today are a lesson in how to survive in an EXTREMELY hostile environment.  Kids today are extremely likely to get dragged into a bathroom and gang raped, beaten, and then gang raped again.  People choose to homeschool their children for many reasons including providing more focused, individualized instruction, helping the public school system with fewer kids, poor public school environments, religious reasons, and objections to what is taught locally in public school.  I’m sure “teaching kids how to build and operate car bombs and/or other small arm weapons of death and destruction” or ‘finding the most advantageous position to set up a sniper nest in crowded public environment” will probably never show up as a reason for homeschooling.

    "See this here, son? This is how you blow shit up effectively. There will be a quiz on this tomorrow."

  • Significantly alters appearance from visit to visit (shaving beard, changing hair color or style, style of dress, etc.) – Well, apparently shaving is not acceptable for men anymore.  The “rough and rugged” look is in both fashionably AND with the government.  Also, ladies, completely forget about dying your hair or getting it cut, because that’s what terrorists do.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  You can’t wipe your ass with the wrong kind of toilet paper today without being called a terrorist.  I guess Gillette, Schick, and Bic are out of fucking business.  So are L’oreal, Garnier, Clairol, Feria and every other boxed hair color brand.  Next we will be told if someone uses Kleenex over Charmin, they are probably building explosive lined vests in their basements.

    Not sports heroes. TERRORISTS!!

  • Having missing hand(s) or finger(s), chemical burns, strange odors, or brightly colored stains on clothing – Good Jesus, if you are a Shop or Chemistry teacher you are literally FUCKED on this deal.  You will probably have to sign an “I Promise I’m not a Terrorist Agreement” before you can teach children sometime in the near future.  And MAKE SURE YOU SHOWER.  Like a motherfucker.  But don’t shave.  Because if you stink AND are well shaven, missing fingers and/or  have bleach stains on your clothes, or you are French, you probably have a small arm explosive somewhere on your person.  According to the government.

    So you're probably a fucking terrorist.

  • Demonstrates interest in uses that do not seem consistent with the intended use of item being purchased – Okay, let me just say that cucumbers, bananas, melons and carrots have been used in a manner ” not consistent with the intended use of the item being purchased ” for about as long as people have had right minds and genitals.  As have bottles of all shapes and sizes, condiments such as honey, chocolate, and syrup, Vaseline and baby oil, and various pies.

    Fuck a pie lately? Yes? You fucking terrorist, you!!!

  • Possesses little knowledge of the item(s) being purchased – How many times have you purchased some new “technology” from Best Buy or HHGregg or some other place and have not known what the fuck you were supposed to do with it?  Well, I haven’t but there ARE people who have.  And these people were probably born before 1975.  I’m pretty damn “tech savvy” but there are many (old) folks out there who will buy a new cell phone or computer because the sales rep at their local electronics store sold them on it and they can’t even make a fucking phone call or create a user name to log in.  Does that mean they are terrorists?  NO!  That means they have to call a son or daughter or a friend or coworker who DOES know how their new purchase works and get a lesson on new technology.  I’m pretty sure if you are a terrorist, you’ve gotten the run down on how some shit you will use to blow some other shit up works in a sort of “Terrorist Camp” and you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  This shouldn’t even be CONSIDERED.

    The sales guy told us we just had to drop them on people!!!

  • You have a bumper sticker or other paraphernalia supporting Ron Paul for president – Yup.  If you support Ron fucking PAUL for our next president then you may as well just join Al Qaeda.  I’m just going to rest my case on this one.
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I REALLY Hope This Isn’t Another Troll Job. Then Again It Probably IS…


Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!!!!

There is a “new” site up on the interwebz and it appears that it involves the infamous Illuminati.   Click there and it brings to a featureless, black homepage.  Now, press Ctrl+A to highlight all on the page.  In the upper left corner you see a countdown that seemingly ends on December 7 of this year at around 8:00 a.m.

The Illuminati

Now, I HIGHLY doubt this has to do with the Illuminati, but  for shits and giggles I’ll give you some background on who the Illuminati is anyway.

The name Illuminati itself means “People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something.”  Historically, the it refers to the Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, an Enlightenment Era secret society founded on May 1, 1776 by a Jesuit trained professor of canon law at the University of Ingolstadt named Adam Weishaupt.

Kind of looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay with a wig. "I used to rule the world..." Everybody sing... Nevermind.

Illuminati was founded on a few principles:

  • Masonic Secrets
  • Muslim Mysticism
  • Hatha Yoga

They also liked to sit around and smoke hash to produce their “illuminated” state of mind, similar to Hashashins.   The name “Hashashins” literally means “users of hash” and is where the more recognized term “assassin” is supposedly derived from.

I am so high right now. I can barely stay on my horse. Can we eat before we go kill this dude?

If you take into account that the symbol for the Illuminate includes the Sun, a pyramid and the all seeing eye, you can actually kind of trace it’s roots back to the ancient Egyptians and their religion. The sun god Ra, the Eye of Horus, and the pyramids.

Heeeeey guys! I'm Ra! Don't you just LOVE my fabulous head dress!! Somebody has Suuuun Gooood envy!!!

More recently, the Illuminati are supposedly a shadowy conspiratorial organization that allegedly control world affairs through present day governments and big corporations and are involved in everything from TV to Movies to Music, with the ultimate plan being to establish a New World Order.  In other words, one totalitarian government to rule the entire world.  Conspiracy theorists say that the signs of the Illuminati are everywhere, including the $1.00 bill to Jay-Z’s new album cover.

c-o-n-SPIRACY!!!

There's supposed to be scarab beetles, and pyramids and all sorts of other illuminate shit all over this bling of a cover.

So there you have it.  We have a group that works behind the scenes, trying to take over the world, and rule everything under one government, one religion, one currency… and they apparently have a website that is as easy as typing in http://www.illuminati.org.

The Site

Doing some research, it appears as though this webpage has been online since early 1996.  So, it’s not really “new” at all, hence the “new” in quotes both at the beginning of this blog and here.  1996? That is a helluva long time.  If you click on that link and look at the timeline at the top of the page you can kind of scroll it back and forth to see how the page has looked over time.  It started off as a sort of Illuminati info/history/membership site.  Then it changed to this.  And there was a sort of blog thing going on for a while there, too.  If you read this blog entry they had apparently opened up their membership for a little over a year but no one qualified as no one was able to find their headquarters.  People had called phone numbers, and drove past houses and sent emails and what not but no one found their “secret fort”.  Now, we have a countdown and as you know, countdowns are ALWAYS interesting.

Countdown to fucking PARTY TIME!!!

You can’t view the source code for the page (ALWAYS one of the first things you should do in these cases) without having some sort of web developer add-on for your browser.  Tricky fucks.  I DO happen to have a FEW so I was able to check it out.  In addition to seeing the code for the timer there was this interesting little bit of code:

    function displayTZCountDown(countdown,tzcd) {
      if (countdown < 0) {
        document.getElementById("countdownTimer").innerHTML = "Sorry, you are too late.";

Basically, if you get to this page AFTER the timer ends, you will get the message “Sorry, you are too late”.  There is nothing else in the code that indicates anything else is going to show up on the site.  So whatever is supposed to go down on this date, if you go to their website after it happens, you are apparently too late and you are informed of your tardiness.  It’s like having to go to the principals office if you are tardy.  This is pretty fucking baffling.  They may as well just put “OOOOOOOH, YOU’RE LAAAAATE” on their site, because to this day, even though I’m a grown ass man, if a child says “OOOOOOOH” I wonder what the fuck I did wrong and who they are telling.

If a child does this and the word "OOOOOOOOHHH!" comes out of his or her mouth, I don't give a fuck how old you are, you KNOW you did something wrong.

In Conclusion

I’m HOPING that this is something legit.  I mean, there are already theories ABOUND about this on Abovetopsecret.com, as there are about everything else.  I’m guessing it’s PROBABLY a new 24 hour round of recruiting for the “Illuminati”.  Yes, I think this whole thing is a troll.  But, if anything, it gets you looking around and researching a pretty interesting part of history and, in turn, you learn a few things.  That’s what the internet is about anyway isn’t it? Maybe they ARE the Illuminati because they get you searching and by searching you acquire knowledge.  Knowledge = Enlightenment.