The Biggest Dick Moves in Dragon Ball Z (and GT For That Matter)…Pt. 1


Ep. Ic.

Look at this picture and absorb what you see.  These guys just look fucking bad ass (save for Trunks there in the lower right corner, who looks like he’s posing for a Calvin Klein ad or something).  Now, think back on your childhood and remember the cartoons you used to watch (if you’re my age or older) and how utterly AWESOME 80’s and early 90’s cartoons were (or how awesome they SEEMED to be).  I’ll give you a nice bullet list of the cartoons I used to watch in no particular order:

  • He Man
  • G.I. Joe
  • Transformers
  • Go-Bots (I know they were a Transformers rip-offs)
  • Thundercats
  • Silverhawks
  • Tigersharks
  • Dinoriders
  • Dinosaucers
  • M.A.S.K.
  • Centurions
  • Voltron
  • Captain N
  • Super Mario Bros./Zelda (on Fridays)
  • Ninja Turtles
  • Captain FUCKING Power!!!

    Epic? Yes. Would they have a snowball's chance in Hell? No.

That’s just a FEW of the many MANY cartoons I used to watch.  There are others that I will NOT mention here ::cough Gummi Bears cough::  But anyway, you could take EVERY cartoon character in EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cartoons and put them all together into one giant awesome universe destroying series of awesomeness and pit them against Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Trunks… just those 4… and they would all fucking lose HORRIBLY.

The characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT were so galaxy destroying fuck powerful that you would need a task force consisting of Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Juggernaut, Thor, Martian Man Hunter, Sentry, and probably GOD to even have a snowball’s chance in hell at competing with the characters in this show.  It seemed like every progressive saga in the series(es) had a foe that was 100x stronger than the foe before it and as a result the heroes got even stronger.  Hell, at the end of Dragon Ball GT (the end of the Dragon Ball story itself) Omega Shenron and both Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Vegeta (and eventually Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta) were strong enough to destroy entire GALAXIES if they wanted to.  They had that kind of power.

The Dragon Ball series, as epic as it was, was not without it’s “dick moves”, however.  You know what a “dick move” is; it’s when someone does something so wrong, so out of place, so fucked up, that the only thing you can say or think at that point in time is, “that was a fucking DICK move!”  And that is what this posting is going to cover; the biggest “Dick Moves” in the Dragon Ball Z/GT series.  I’m not going to cover Dragon Ball because, well, those characters didn’t have the epic power that the characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT had and, even though it was a fantastic series, and the beginning of the whole thing, it just doesn’t have that WOW! effect that the last two series had.  I’m also NOT going to cover the movies because I plan on touching on them in another posting (plus, half of this list would consist of shit that Broly did so I’ll save that for another time).  So, with that said, I’m going to go in chronological order here and go from the Saiyan Saga to the Shadow Dragon Saga at the end of Dragon Ball GT. So, without further ado, here we go!

1. Raditz Threatens to Kill Gohan if Goku Doesn’t Kill 100 Humans

I don't know where this came from, but for some reason Raditz reminds me of Zak Bagans in this picture. Zak Bagans choking up a kid.

If you watched the Dragon Ball series, you know that Goku landed on planet Earth as a child and went on many an adventure with Bulma trying to locate the Dragon Balls.  What you didn’t know at that time (at least until Dragon Ball Z) was that Goku was actually sent to Earth to destroy it and we learn all of this from Goku’s dear brother, Raditz after he too crash lands on Earth.  Cue meeting with Goku and let the trash talking commence.  Raditz also had the courtesy to give Goku an interesting history lesson.  He indicated that the Saiyans original home planet, Planet Vegeta, was obliterated by an asteroid (which you also find out later during the Frieza saga is complete bullshit) some twenty years earlier, and that there are only four Saiyans left in the universe, including Goku himself.

Well, naturally, since they are 2 of the remaining (supposedly) 4 Saiyans left in the entire universe, they have to stick together, right?  And what are Saiyans good at?  Death and destruction! If races of people were music styles, Saiyans would be fucking Death Metal!  And just maybe these two long lost brothers can catch up a bit on the ride, shoot the shit and have some laughs, you know?  So it is at this point Raditz tells Goku he’s in the gang whether he wants to be or not.  Goku doesnt want though and refuses, pretty much telling Raditz not to hold his Goddamn breath.  Now, I’m pretty sure at this point Raditz was probably saying to himself, “I could lay a massive ass whipping on this dude at any point of my choosing and still you could rebuild my spaceship 1000 times over with all of the fucks he couldn’t give. I have to find another way to convince him”.  This is when he happens to notice Gohan.  Raditz, ever the opportunist, concocts a plan and proposes an ultimatum for Goku; he will kill Gohan unless Goku kills one hundred humans within twenty-four hours. Then he flies off with Gohan.  And there wasn’t a damn thing Goku could do about it. How’s that for a gang initiation?

2. Piccolo Leaves Gohan in the Wilderness for 6 Months

If you are even reading this article, you have obviously watched Dragon Ball Z.  So, you know Goku and Piccolo teamed up and went at Raditz together.  After all was said and done, Piccolo lost an arm, Gohan revealed he had some sort of hidden power by busting out of Raditz’s space pod and destroying his whole chest plate with the mother of all flying headbutts.  With Raditz reeling, Goku goes street and bum rushes him into a full nelson so that Piccolo could take care of bidness with a well aimed Special Beam Cannon.  Boo yah, ladies and gentlemen.  Game over.  As Raditz was dying he revealed that his scouter (the green eyepiece he wore to detect power signatures) also acted as a homing beacon and he just used it to tell on EARTH!  Two Saiyans even more powerful than himself would be on their way shortly to clean house and they were all pretty much fucked.  Piccolo wasn’t trying to hear that and delivers the death blow to Raditz.   Meanwhile, the rest of the gang arrives and witnesses Goku die and his body vanish.

He would be WISHING for death if this happened about a foot lower...

NOTHING about this picture looks right...

Piccolo decides that if Death himself was coming to Earth to claim names, he wasn’t going to give his up without attempting to punch some damn faces first.  So he regrows his fucking arm like a boss and tells everyone that if they are going to have any chance against the two stronger Saiyans that they need to get their asses in gear and TRAIN.  Having just witnessed Gohan unleash a headbutt that was the cranial equivalent to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, Piccolo decides he is going to train him and grabs the unconscious child, albeit not without protest from the rest of the gang, but what the hell were they going to do? They just saw a large homicidal green alien who recently killed another homicidal alien who was stronger than him regenerate his own goddamn arm.  What would YOU do?

AAARRRGGGHH AXE ANTIPERSPIRANT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!!!!

So what do you think happens next?  An 80’s style training montage where Gohan begins learning martial arts, albeit clumsily at first, until he has a moment of clarity, understands what the art is about and begins to progress at an exponential level unlike any martial artist before him? No.  He gets dropped off in the middle of the wilderness, wakes up, gets smacked around a bit, and told that he has to survive on his own in the goddamn wild for 6 months before he can even BEGIN training.  Leaving a child of about 4 in the middle of nowhere with dinosaurs (yes fucking dinosaurs) wandering around, a few apples to eat and no sense of how to fend for himself makes Piccolo sound like the Casey Anthony of martial arts teachers.  I’ve seen 4 year olds who can’t put whole sentences together, but this one gets dropped off in bum fuck Egypt BEFORE he gets any training.  My 3 year old (who will be 4 in January, close enough) would be running around trying to cut his hair with sharp rocks and eating random shit he picked up on the ground.  Granted, Gohan came out okay, but dropping a 4 year old off in the middle of nowhere for 6 months?  Dick move Piccolo.  Dick move.

3. Vegeta Kills Nappa (IT’S OVER 9,000!!!)

History has had some truly GREAT partnerships.  Batman and Robin.  Starsky and Hutch.  Bo and Luke Duke.  Thelma and Louis.  Vegeta and Nappa.  In EVERY partnership, there is always one half that is the more dominant part;  the alpha to the beta.  In the every single one of the aforementioned duo’s the alpha relied on the assistance of his (or her) partner (beta) to help them through the tough times, the trials and tribulations, the bullshit, if you will.  The street fights with the worst criminals imaginable, jumping over a fucking barn in your orange 69 Dodge Charger, quality control down the assembly line, you know, everyday life.  If one falters, the other is there to help them out.  They have each other’s back.  However, in the case of Saiyans, (as I stated before, they are death metal) you BETTER NOT FUCK UP.  SERIOUSLY.  Sure you can fly around the universe committing genocide all over the place together, but if a Saiyan feels that you are of no more use to them, you get fucking chi blasted in the face to death.  Such was the case with Vegeta and his original partner Nappa.

"We're gonna do it!! Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way!"

Now, a little background on Vegeta and Nappa.  Vegeta was a prince on the Saiyan home planet, which WAS CALLED PLANET VEGETA.   His father’s name was King Vegeta.  I’m almost certain you could go back through the entire Vegeta family tree and every male in the family was probably named Vegeta.  Nappa was the Commander-In-Chief of the entire Saiyan army.  These guys ran shit.  Take a look at that picture up there.  Nappa is gi-goddamn-gantic and Vegeta is one of those little dudes that will fuck your shit up if you mess with him.   You know the type.  Like Bruce Lee.  He was 5’8″ and looked like a wet dog with a suit on.  However, if he took his shirt off and threw them hands up you KNEW the ass whippin’ was coming FAST.  You would immediately regret the decision to screw around with him.

Yeah. You look at this picture and you think to yourself "Aw he doesn't look so tough..."

...Then the shirt comes off and a shredded Chinese man starts making hand trails in your face and you're not even high. Your body IMMEDIATELY goes into one of those "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!" seizures.

Anyway, Nappa and Vegeta come to Earth to a.) search for the Dragon Balls to wish for eternal life b.) destroy EVERYTHING on Earth because that’s what they did, and; c.)make this corner of the Milky Way their bitch.  So, they they get here and meet resistance in the form of Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Yamcha, and the duo of Tien and  Chiaotzu.  Nappa goes on the attack first while Vegeta waits in the background like little dangerous men do.  Nappa begins to decimate the Z fighters one by one. He busts Tien’s arm with a single punch.   Chiaotzu tries to pull a jihad on him by latching on to his back and blowing himself up, which Nappa ignores.  Angry over his best friend’s death, Tien uses the last of his energy to attack Nappa with a Spirit Tri Beam attack, which proves to be in useless becuase he he falls to the ground and dies immediately afterwards while Nappa survived, again with no serious injuries.

The whole time they are fighting, the Z warriors are trying to call on their boy Goku to get there quick fucking fast so he could clean some bad guy house, but to no avail.  The entire time this was going down Piccolo had been devising a plan to destroy Nappa, but Gohan was too afraid to attack during the part where he was supposed to fucking blast him.  Before the fight can continue, Vegeta decides to pause the whole shebang for three hours to allow Goku to show up, finding it amusing that Krillin, Piccolo and Gohan have so much faith in such a low level Saiyan. To keep himself occupied, Nappa destroys the news crew that was reporting on the battle, and then decides to fly around and ass rape the WORLD’s military,  destroying naval fleets and air craft forces. After that, just for fun, he destroyed an entire city with his “Exploding Wave” technique.  Basically he went Nathan Jones on shit.

The resemblance is UNCANNY!

After three hours have passed, Goku was still a no-show and the fight resumes.  Nappa takes off his armor and goes Nathan Jones mode. Piccolo devises a plan that involves him grabbing Nappa’s tail to weaken him, but he may as well have been giving Nappa a reach around. Nappa then throws a vicious elbow muy thai style to Piccolo’s head, knocking him out.

I could go a hundred different directions with this picture... I won't though.

Finally after much ass kicking on Nappa’s part, Goku arrives. Nappa claims Goku would not have a chance of beating him, and even after Vegeta reads his power level (IT’S OVER 9000!!!) and breaks his fucking scouter in frustration. Nappa says “Fuck it!” and attacks Goku anyway.  Long story short, Nappa tries Gohan and Goku raises up with his Kaio-Ken and stops Nappa by breaking bruvs back.

PWNED! And look at Krillin and Gohan in the back there. They can't even BELIEVE that shit just happened!

Then Goku picks him up and throws him at Vegetas feet.  Having just had his ass whipped, Nappa begs for Vegeta to help him get up, and Vegeta reaches for his hand, pretending to help him.  Vegeta grabs his hand, labels him useless since he can’t move (broke fucking back and all) and throws him into the air like a rag doll.  Vegeta says “FUCK THE BULLSHIT” and throws an attack called the “Galaxy Breaker” to obliterate him.  Upon entering the Afterlife, he joins Raditz after being sent to Hell by King Yemma.

BOOM! Did you see that?!?! RUTHLESS! DO NOT FUCK WITH VEGETA!!! (Unless you are an Android (more on that in part 2), or Bojack, or Brolly, or… aaaahhh… nevermind.)

Pt. 1 Conclusion

So, I decided to split this up because a.) Dragon Ball Z is long as hell and just this first half of the posting is already HUGE, b.) the later sagas are even fucking LONGER and require a bit more explanation,  c.) I haven’t posted in a minute and it’s about time I do, and d.) it’s my blog and I can.  Thank you…

(Part 2 is already well under way.  No worries!)


Well, Looks Like 99% of Americans Living in the South are Terrorists


The FBI and Homeland Security have released a list that contains what might make someone a domestic terrorist (or a terrorist in general).  This list pretty much indicates that most of the population of the southern United States (and many regions of Appalachia) are terrorists.   Let’s take a look at some of the most ignorant items on this list.  And by ignorant I mean these are REALLY fucking stupid.  See for yourself.

Note the NRA hat, the Marlboro Reds, and the shirt that MAY indicate something along the lines of violence to another person on Cletus, and the OBVIOUS crossed eyes from "terroristin'" on Bucephelus. Also, Bucephalus's name sounds A LOT like "encephalitis" which is a brain illness you can contract from mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that were probably released by terrorists.

  • Second Amendment-oriented views (NRA or gun club membership, holding a CCW permit) and frequent proclamation of  Constitutional Rights- Basically, the 2nd Amendment protects the right’s of U.S. citizens to keep and bear arms.  There are several versions of the text for this Amendment, two of which are:
    As passed by the Congress:  A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. 
    As ratified by the States
    : A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.This fundamental right was viewed as important by early ‘Merican’s for a few reasons:

    • deterring undemocratic government;
    • repelling invasion;
    • suppressing insurrection;
    • facilitating a natural right of self-defense;
    • participating in law enforcement;
    • enabling the people to organize a militia system

    So, in essence, if you tout your right to keep firearms, support Charlton Heston and the NRA, or possess a gun permit, and you talk about that shit, there is a good indication you are being a terrorist.  Go look in the mirror you sad sunuvabitch.

    And proclamation of CONSTITUTIONAL GODDAMN RIGHTS?!?! The Constitution was created by our FOUNDING FUCKING FOREFATHERS to outline our INALIENABLE RIGHTS!! Soooooo every one of the brave men that founded OUR COUNTRY were apparently terrorists.  Because, HA! These fools actually believed the shit they founded an entire country ON!! It’s like the biggest April Fools joke EVER!!

    The NRA was created by PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE!!!

  • Survivalist literature (fictional books such as “Patriots” and “One Second After” are mentioned by name) – Any books about self sufficiency, surviving during and after sort of catastrophe disaster (ELE and/or TEOTWAWKI), and basically teaching you how to keep your ass alive indicates that, yes, you are probably a terrorist or at some point you may become one.  Why should we know how to keep ourselves and our families alive if one day the world decides “Fuck you, I’m over you existing. I think you need to die right now!”  Answer:  You are actually supposed to just give up.  I mean, why try, right?  Just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out and maybe when you wake up you’ll think more clearly.
  • Self-sufficiency (stockpiling food, ammo, hand tools, medical supplies) – Oh boy.  I’ve seen a few “couponers” on TV that are fucked ROYALLY right now.  They need to stop stockpiling their shit, take turns posting up at their windows and doors, and keep a keen eye out for the law enforcement that is going to raid their house at any time and steal all of that creamed corn they have in their “walk in cupboard whose design was influenced by God”.  Contrary to popular belief, you are supposed to run out of food so you can go spend all of your money at the grocery stores.  If you have a gun, forget ammo, just shoot peas from your stockpiles of food.  Hand tools?  HA! Use your teeth.  Injured? Don’t use band aids or gauze,  just bleed.  Headache?  Punch yourself in the groin until that pain overpowers that silly headache of yours.  You aren’t supposed to use Excedrin.  Terrorists use Excedrin you silly bastard.

    What a terrorist's table may look like. Take a mental picture.

  • Religious views concerning the book of Revelation (apocalypse, anti-Christ) – I’m not particularly religious.  Okay, I’m not religious AT ALL.  But every minister, priest, bishop, deacon, reverend, WHATEVER, in the world have religious views on the book of Revelation right now.  So, basically when you go to church on Sunday it’s not a congregation of fellow Christians, it’s a fucking terrorist gathering.   The rise of the anti-Christ, the mark of the beast, the Apocalypse… It’s all terrorist propaganda.  The conspiracy theory behind the book of Revelation is that the mark of the beast is actually a tracking chip that is implanted into people during surgeries and what not.  This may not be so far fetch as it actually happened recently.  Scary shit.  The whole Apocalypse thing sounds a lot like nuclear war and the anti-Christ is probably a member of the famed Illuminatiwho tries to rally the world under one leader.   The fact that they don’t want people believing this stuff is because they want to divert your attention from what is really happening.  At least, that’s the theory.  And only terrorists believe that sort of thing. 
  • Homeschooling – This is surprising.  Homeschooling.  Huh.  Who would have thought?  I mean, don’t even bother to take into account that public schools today are a lesson in how to survive in an EXTREMELY hostile environment.  Kids today are extremely likely to get dragged into a bathroom and gang raped, beaten, and then gang raped again.  People choose to homeschool their children for many reasons including providing more focused, individualized instruction, helping the public school system with fewer kids, poor public school environments, religious reasons, and objections to what is taught locally in public school.  I’m sure “teaching kids how to build and operate car bombs and/or other small arm weapons of death and destruction” or ‘finding the most advantageous position to set up a sniper nest in crowded public environment” will probably never show up as a reason for homeschooling.

    "See this here, son? This is how you blow shit up effectively. There will be a quiz on this tomorrow."

  • Significantly alters appearance from visit to visit (shaving beard, changing hair color or style, style of dress, etc.) – Well, apparently shaving is not acceptable for men anymore.  The “rough and rugged” look is in both fashionably AND with the government.  Also, ladies, completely forget about dying your hair or getting it cut, because that’s what terrorists do.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  You can’t wipe your ass with the wrong kind of toilet paper today without being called a terrorist.  I guess Gillette, Schick, and Bic are out of fucking business.  So are L’oreal, Garnier, Clairol, Feria and every other boxed hair color brand.  Next we will be told if someone uses Kleenex over Charmin, they are probably building explosive lined vests in their basements.

    Not sports heroes. TERRORISTS!!

  • Having missing hand(s) or finger(s), chemical burns, strange odors, or brightly colored stains on clothing – Good Jesus, if you are a Shop or Chemistry teacher you are literally FUCKED on this deal.  You will probably have to sign an “I Promise I’m not a Terrorist Agreement” before you can teach children sometime in the near future.  And MAKE SURE YOU SHOWER.  Like a motherfucker.  But don’t shave.  Because if you stink AND are well shaven, missing fingers and/or  have bleach stains on your clothes, or you are French, you probably have a small arm explosive somewhere on your person.  According to the government.

    So you're probably a fucking terrorist.

  • Demonstrates interest in uses that do not seem consistent with the intended use of item being purchased – Okay, let me just say that cucumbers, bananas, melons and carrots have been used in a manner ” not consistent with the intended use of the item being purchased ” for about as long as people have had right minds and genitals.  As have bottles of all shapes and sizes, condiments such as honey, chocolate, and syrup, Vaseline and baby oil, and various pies.

    Fuck a pie lately? Yes? You fucking terrorist, you!!!

  • Possesses little knowledge of the item(s) being purchased – How many times have you purchased some new “technology” from Best Buy or HHGregg or some other place and have not known what the fuck you were supposed to do with it?  Well, I haven’t but there ARE people who have.  And these people were probably born before 1975.  I’m pretty damn “tech savvy” but there are many (old) folks out there who will buy a new cell phone or computer because the sales rep at their local electronics store sold them on it and they can’t even make a fucking phone call or create a user name to log in.  Does that mean they are terrorists?  NO!  That means they have to call a son or daughter or a friend or coworker who DOES know how their new purchase works and get a lesson on new technology.  I’m pretty sure if you are a terrorist, you’ve gotten the run down on how some shit you will use to blow some other shit up works in a sort of “Terrorist Camp” and you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  This shouldn’t even be CONSIDERED.

    The sales guy told us we just had to drop them on people!!!

  • You have a bumper sticker or other paraphernalia supporting Ron Paul for president – Yup.  If you support Ron fucking PAUL for our next president then you may as well just join Al Qaeda.  I’m just going to rest my case on this one.

I REALLY Hope This Isn’t Another Troll Job. Then Again It Probably IS…


Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!!!!

There is a “new” site up on the interwebz and it appears that it involves the infamous Illuminati.   Click there and it brings to a featureless, black homepage.  Now, press Ctrl+A to highlight all on the page.  In the upper left corner you see a countdown that seemingly ends on December 7 of this year at around 8:00 a.m.

The Illuminati

Now, I HIGHLY doubt this has to do with the Illuminati, but  for shits and giggles I’ll give you some background on who the Illuminati is anyway.

The name Illuminati itself means “People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something.”  Historically, the it refers to the Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, an Enlightenment Era secret society founded on May 1, 1776 by a Jesuit trained professor of canon law at the University of Ingolstadt named Adam Weishaupt.

Kind of looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay with a wig. "I used to rule the world..." Everybody sing... Nevermind.

Illuminati was founded on a few principles:

  • Masonic Secrets
  • Muslim Mysticism
  • Hatha Yoga

They also liked to sit around and smoke hash to produce their “illuminated” state of mind, similar to Hashashins.   The name “Hashashins” literally means “users of hash” and is where the more recognized term “assassin” is supposedly derived from.

I am so high right now. I can barely stay on my horse. Can we eat before we go kill this dude?

If you take into account that the symbol for the Illuminate includes the Sun, a pyramid and the all seeing eye, you can actually kind of trace it’s roots back to the ancient Egyptians and their religion. The sun god Ra, the Eye of Horus, and the pyramids.

Heeeeey guys! I'm Ra! Don't you just LOVE my fabulous head dress!! Somebody has Suuuun Gooood envy!!!

More recently, the Illuminati are supposedly a shadowy conspiratorial organization that allegedly control world affairs through present day governments and big corporations and are involved in everything from TV to Movies to Music, with the ultimate plan being to establish a New World Order.  In other words, one totalitarian government to rule the entire world.  Conspiracy theorists say that the signs of the Illuminati are everywhere, including the $1.00 bill to Jay-Z’s new album cover.

c-o-n-SPIRACY!!!

There's supposed to be scarab beetles, and pyramids and all sorts of other illuminate shit all over this bling of a cover.

So there you have it.  We have a group that works behind the scenes, trying to take over the world, and rule everything under one government, one religion, one currency… and they apparently have a website that is as easy as typing in http://www.illuminati.org.

The Site

Doing some research, it appears as though this webpage has been online since early 1996.  So, it’s not really “new” at all, hence the “new” in quotes both at the beginning of this blog and here.  1996? That is a helluva long time.  If you click on that link and look at the timeline at the top of the page you can kind of scroll it back and forth to see how the page has looked over time.  It started off as a sort of Illuminati info/history/membership site.  Then it changed to this.  And there was a sort of blog thing going on for a while there, too.  If you read this blog entry they had apparently opened up their membership for a little over a year but no one qualified as no one was able to find their headquarters.  People had called phone numbers, and drove past houses and sent emails and what not but no one found their “secret fort”.  Now, we have a countdown and as you know, countdowns are ALWAYS interesting.

Countdown to fucking PARTY TIME!!!

You can’t view the source code for the page (ALWAYS one of the first things you should do in these cases) without having some sort of web developer add-on for your browser.  Tricky fucks.  I DO happen to have a FEW so I was able to check it out.  In addition to seeing the code for the timer there was this interesting little bit of code:

    function displayTZCountDown(countdown,tzcd) {
      if (countdown < 0) {
        document.getElementById("countdownTimer").innerHTML = "Sorry, you are too late.";

Basically, if you get to this page AFTER the timer ends, you will get the message “Sorry, you are too late”.  There is nothing else in the code that indicates anything else is going to show up on the site.  So whatever is supposed to go down on this date, if you go to their website after it happens, you are apparently too late and you are informed of your tardiness.  It’s like having to go to the principals office if you are tardy.  This is pretty fucking baffling.  They may as well just put “OOOOOOOH, YOU’RE LAAAAATE” on their site, because to this day, even though I’m a grown ass man, if a child says “OOOOOOOH” I wonder what the fuck I did wrong and who they are telling.

If a child does this and the word "OOOOOOOOHHH!" comes out of his or her mouth, I don't give a fuck how old you are, you KNOW you did something wrong.

In Conclusion

I’m HOPING that this is something legit.  I mean, there are already theories ABOUND about this on Abovetopsecret.com, as there are about everything else.  I’m guessing it’s PROBABLY a new 24 hour round of recruiting for the “Illuminati”.  Yes, I think this whole thing is a troll.  But, if anything, it gets you looking around and researching a pretty interesting part of history and, in turn, you learn a few things.  That’s what the internet is about anyway isn’t it? Maybe they ARE the Illuminati because they get you searching and by searching you acquire knowledge.  Knowledge = Enlightenment.


How to Create an Effective ARG


As you may have noticed, I was recently involved in an ARG, or “Alternate Reality Game”, that I shall not name within this blog again.  And that brings me to the point that with ARGs, like mother in laws, some are good, some are terrible and some are just trolls.  If you’ve ever “played” an ARG you know how exciting it can be to work with people you’ve (probably) never met to discover new information, to receive random and mysterious emails from the people behind the game, sometimes even getting phone calls, and on occasion running around chasing actual physical clues in your city or town.  Using the real world to interact with a made up world is exciting and it puts you in the game like video games can’t.  YOU are a character in the game.

Now, some of you may even be wondering how you go about creating an ARG. First, lets give you a run down of some ARG terminology, a “glossary”, if you will:

  • Curtain: the magic curtain that Puppet Masters live behind.  Think The Wizard of Oz.
  • Guide: A run down of the game’s history for people who may be behind for some reason or another.
  • In-Game: Anything having to do with the game specifically
  • Meta: Specific things about the genre or a specific game itself that are not in-game.
  • Out of Game: Something presented that has noting to do with the game itself.
  • Puppet Master: A game designer. May have 1 or more of a few roles required to create the game.
  • Puzzle Trail: A series of puzzles where one puzzle leads to another puzzle that leads to another puzzle.  For instance, a website that has a puzzle that leads to a blog with a puzzle that leads to another website with a puzzle that leads to a video with a puzzle, etc.
  • Rabbit Hole: Events that lead into the game world such as a website, a blog, an email or media.  Also called the “Trail Head”.
  • Red Herring: A fallacy in which an irrelevant topic is presented in order to divert attention from the original issue.  Basically used to throw players off.
  • Trail: Sites, puzzles and characters used in a game.
  • Trout: A term used when information presented is irrelevant, usually because it has already been discussed at some point.

Now that you are up to speed on terminology, I’ll outline some tips here on how to create a truly effective ARG.  Read on.

  1. Get a group of people together and figure out mysterious and clever names for yourselves. They can’t be just any names either, because how seriously would you take a “Puppet Mater” name Jim, Chad, or Todd?  No, you have to choose shit like The Veil, or The Fear, or Mr. Steel Sack.  Something that really gets the mind going. You are now officially “Puppet Masters”.  Assign each member a role in the game i.e. someone to respond to questions, someone to research subject matter, a person to create the media such as videos and pictures, another to write all materials for the game, and someone to create those ridiculous puzzles that make it feel like potato bug crawled into your head through your ear and shit all over your brain.

    I'm in ur headz! Poopin' on ur brainz!!

  2. Now you have to come up with a name for your game. No more than 2 or 3 words. Or maybe name it using numbers. The number-as-a-name thing is pretty effective because the first thing people do when they see numbers is go bat shit crazy trying to figure it out.  You really want to fuck with people right off the bat because that is what draws them into your Rabbit Hole.  They’ll try to see if those numbers maybe add up to something that corresponds with some other shit like Ronald McDonald’s birthday or some random date in history when something happened like Julius Ceasar sharted in his toga or something.  OR, it could be a code that has to be cracked like a cipher. People will put numbers together in ways you wouldn’t fucking believe.  They become number magicians, creating equations it would take a theoretical physicist 2 years to solve.  But somehow they pull it off, and they won’t sleep for a week to do it.  People will waste an inordinate amount of time with numbers.  Oh, and if you do decide to use words in the name, make sure it’s 2 or 3 words and groupthemtogether like that.  Better yet, use words and letters and put them all together like CeasarShart19.

    "Et tu Brute" really translates to "How DARE thee shit thyself in the SENATE!!!"

  3. Come up with a plot for your game.  Something really mysterious and interesting like an alien invasion, a giant sea creature, a cult of some sort, or someone being kidnapped.  Basically, it should involve both danger and the unknown.  ARG’s usually almost ALWAYS have someone being kidnapped.  At some point they are found, but they are… different… some… how.  They do strange things they never did before like painting their face with lipstick and randomly going into trances and speaking in another language while abusing animals.
  4. Make a timeline to establish what media and puzzles will be released and when and approximately how long the game will last, as well as how it will end.  Don’t, and I repeat DON’T just wing it.  ARG players are really, REALLY good at what they do.  If you are making shit up as it goes they will know and your game will be shut the hell down.  On that note, if and when you register a website for your game, do so anonymously.  You don’t want someone doing a whois on your website address, getting your address and phone number and then calling you or showing up at your house.

    Stalking Kitteh gets ur address!!

  5. Utilize videos, photos and/or picture montages and it’s SUPER effective if you do it in the style of “The Ring”. Because those videos are fucking SCARY.  For example, your media could contain random shit that moves from one image to the next rapidly but also pertains to your “game” and provides clues.  Clues need to be vague so that your audience is forced to look at EVERY LITTLE THING and analyze it (even the source code for your home page).  Also, black and white, or sepia pics are usually all fucking spooky as hell. And pictures of children.  Couple that with crazy noises and sound effects to further mind fuck your audience.  A lot of ARG’s seem to be using “Number Stations” as their soundtracks because, well… Just listen to that shit.  It’s creepy sounding.  It’s effective at making you not want to listen to it late at night, so it will probably be just as effective at creeping out players late at night when they are up staring at the internet on their computer trying to make sense of  everything.  And in the spirit of puzzle trails, the clues you provide in your media should lead to more clues, which lead to more clues, which lead to EVEN MORE CLUES…

    Something just wasn't quite right about Alex after we found him.

  6. Social media is almost a MUST.  Use Facebook. Use Twitter.  Use Formspring. Use Myspace even.
  7. Be as mysterious as fuck. When answering questions from players, answer with non nonsensical shit that is ALSO A VAGUE CLUE.  And refer to “yourselves” as “we”, not “I”, when answering questions from players, and generally at all other times.  Puppet Masters are a “hive mind”.  Like the Borg from Star Trek.
  8. Keep feeding your audience things, but don’t do it at any sort of regular or noticeable interval.  You don’t want these people to a) expect anything, b) sleep whatsoever or, c) have anything that resembles sanity when the game is over.

    Oh, Insanity Wolf! You're so insane!!!

    Good, now you have successfully created your first ARG and you have your game rolling.  Congratulations.  Now sit back, revel in the fact that you are currently mind fucking (hopefully) a ton of people, and watch the madness!


6 Cartoons of Today That Suck HORRIBLY!!!


Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus crept up into this post to let you know that these cartoons suck. 

Here we go again.  More cartoon discussion.   However, this time it’s going to be a list of a few different cartoons that represent the extreme lack of awesome that cartoons today suffer from.  I’ve done a review of the cartoon Max and Ruby already so if you want to see what that was about click the handy URL disguised as regular words earlier in this sentence.  It sucked when I wrote that review and it still sucks today.  Feel free to imagine it somewhere in this list.  You can put it anywhere you want EXCEPT for the top spot because that is reserved for the WORST cartoon on TV today, and you will see which one that is by continuing to read.

6.  Team Umizoomi

“Yeah, we just made the suck list!”

Team Umizoomi is a cartoon series airing on Nick Jr., usually around 10 a.m. in my city, which is about the time I’m just waking up with my children.  And it absolutely SUCKS waking up to this.  Team Umizoomi live in a city conveniently called, what else, Umi City and is made up of three characters: Geo, Bot and Milli.

Milli – A 6 year old little girl, I… guess?  Her special abilities are related to math, more specifically patterns and measuring.  She can change her dress to match any pattern and then project that pattern by singing “Pattern Power”.  Her ponytails can also be used to measure things by singing “Milli-Measure”.  I don’t know of any 6 year old girls who are 6 inches tall and can do any of the things she does.

Geo – Milli’s 5 year old brother.  His abilities are also related to math, specifically shapes.  Geo wears a special belt that can create pretty much any-damn-thing he wants by pulling the necessary shapes off of his belt, assembling those shapes accordingly, and then singing “Super Shapes”.  He usually uses these shapes to make vehicles to assist the team in their quest i.e. submarines, airplanes, cars, etc. Probably the only thing remotely awesome about this show.  However, the fact he wears skates on his feet at all times kind of nulls the cool factor of the vehicle building ability.

Bot – Milli and Geo’s robot friend (whose voice you may recognize as Donovan Patton, the guy who played “Joe” on Blues Clues).  Being a robot, he has the ability to extend his arms and legs by saying “Arms Extendo” or “Legs Extendo”.  Kind of like Inspector Gadget but more lame.  He has a small satellite called the “Umi Alarm” on his head that kind of looks like a robot side pony tail and allows him to receive calls.  Calls are projected onto a screen on the front of his body called a “Belly Belly Belly Screen” that allows the team to view videos and pictures as well as have a video conference with someone who needs their help.   I’m assuming everyone in Umi City has some sort of video conferencing center that allows them to get in touch with Team Umi Zoomi because how the hell else would they do it?  They seem to be speaking into air when they are talking to the team.  He also has a storage compartment on the back of his body, called a “Bot-O-Mat”, which conveniently has whatever the team happens to need to complete their mission.

Now, I’m going to go ahead and post some of lyrics to the theme song where the characters introduce themselves:

Milli

“I’m Milli!
I can make any pattern with my dress!
Pattern of  – BUTTERFLIES!
PATTERN POWER!”

Geo

“Im Geo!
I can build anything with my shapes!
Triangle. Oval.
SUPER SHAPES!

(Note: Geo built a sail board with the triangle and the oval. Random.)

Bot

“I’m Bot!
I can show you anything on my belly belly belly screen.
Skyscraper.  Taxi.  TRAAAFFIC LIIIGHT!!” 

(Note: Of all the things he could have shown on his “belly belly belly screen”, he shows a skyscraper, a taxi… and a traffic light.  Why the hell?)

So, yeah.  It STARTS OFF BAD WITH THE THEME SONG.   And let’s get back to Bot for a minute.  What gave the writers the idea that any of the three things he shows on his “belly belly belly screen” interests children in the LEAST?   Was one of the writers thinking about wanting to go the hell home because he was over working on this stupid cartoon?  I can see maybe the skyscraper interesting a kid because it’s tall, but a taxi and a freakin’ traffic light?  And he gets this whole serious raspy thing going when he’s saying traffic light.  Traffic lights aren’t anywhere near interesting enough to warrant any level of seriousness when introducing it on your “belly belly belly screen”.  Also, he looks a lot like the Android logo.

To give the show a level of interactivity with it’s preschool audience, the viewer is included in the show as “Umifriend” to help solve problems presented in the episodes.  They introduce the viewer as “Umifriend” in every episode, instead of saying something like, you know, “Welcome back Umifriend!”.  If kids new any better they would be offended by this because the characters in the show don’t remember them even though they watch the show every damn day.  “But it’s just a show!” you say?  Well, so was “Friends” and half of the female population of Earth went out and got their hair did like Jennifer Aniston.  Kids take this show just as seriously.

5.  Johnny Test

Johnny, his dog Dukey, and his Ginger twin sisters. Further proof that Gingers don’t have souls.

First, let me say the the show’s name references another cartoon, namely Johnny QUEST, that is way to damn good to even be associated with this wad of shit.  This cartoon seriously annoys me.  Basically, the show is about  an 11 year old boy named Johnny Test, who lives up to his name by usually being the lab rat for his 13-year old genius/scientist/demented twin sisters, Susan and Mary, and their experiments.  He also has a talking dog named Dukey, who received his human like intellect and the ability to speak courtesy of an experiment conducted by the nazi scientist sisters.  And, yes, his dog is named after shit because what else do dogs do but eat, shit and sleep?  They couldn’t name him eat or sleep because that just doesn’t make sense.  Oh, and they live in a town called Porkbelly.  Given that the show is American/Canadian, it goes to show that North America fucking loves bacon.

Courage wolf knows about that BACON!

The series has two main antagonists for Johnny.  His original nemesis is a kid named Bling-Bling Boy.  He was born Eugene Hamilton, but he decided at some point “fuck, that name really sucks” so he changed it, which was a good call.   Bling-Bling Boy was a schoolmate of Johnny’s; However, he was expelled after an incident in which one of his teachers ended up with a metal claw for a hand. Keep an eye out because Cash Money Records will probably be giving Bling-Bling Boy a record deal at some point in the future.  In later seasons, a new villan by the name of Dark Vegan, lord of planet Vegandon, was introduced.  Vegandon sounds like the name of a lame herbivore dinosaur with no friends and being that he’s a Vegan, all you’d have to do to beat this guy is throw a fur coat over his head, beat him with a steak, and then kick him with your leather shoes when he’s down.  Problem solved.

This show does not present a good example for children either.  Johnny is disrespectful towards his parents.  He apparently has ADHD.  He openly hates school and does not work hard at all or apply himself in any manner.  As a matter of fact, he does everything he can to AVOID doing work.  He likes to dick around and mess with his sisters’ inventions, causing all sorts of shit and mayhem.  He also has a knack for getting what he wants through deceit, blackmail and manipulation, qualities every child needs to learn from a very young age.

Thankfully, my kids don’t watch this show all that often because they know about my serious dislike for it.  THEY are the real geniuses.

4. Oobi

So, Oobi is a hand puppet with eyes. Yes, a hand puppet with eyes.  And, the first time I saw this show, I was literally like “The.. fuck?!?”  I said that.  For the first 5 minutes straight.  This show was probably created by some guys who got together, got really high one night, started making hand puppets at each other and decided it was so funny.   Sooooo, logically, let’s made a show out of it!  It had to be for kids though because no adult in their right mind could take a show about hand puppets seriously.  It’s not NEARLY as funny as it would be if you were high off your ass.  Look at that thing. It’s actually pretty fucking creepy.  ANYONE could have created this show and it actually frustrates me that this shit is on TV.  In what UNIVERSE would this show be entertaining? Are they really hurting for children’s shows that badly that they said “fuck it, we’ll air a show about hand puppets”?

The way this whole hand puppets thing works is thumbs are used to represent the character’s mouth movements, as well as doubling as hands.  I’m assuming the from the wrist down is 1 big fucking leg because it just bounces along.  The fingers clench, twitch and make other movements to indicate emotion and the hands are pretty much used like regular hands.  They do things such as holding objects, grabbing things, and turning doorknobs.  I wonder if they would get drunk off of hand sanitizer…

Anyway, the characters in the show are Oobi, Uma,who is Oobi’s sister, Kako, Oobi’s best friend, and Grampu, who is quite obviously Oobie’s grandfather and also whose name sounds like it would be the Japanese word for Grandpa.  There’s like a million and a half sub characters that I won’t even begin to list here, and EVERY character speaks like they have severe head injury.  Even the adults in the show.  For example, if Oobi was going to tell Kaku he had to go take a piss, instead of “Hey, Kaku, I have to go take a piss.  I’ll be right back”, it would be more like “Kaku, Oobi, Piss, Back, Soon”.  Now how in Hades is that supposed to teach kids ANYTHING?  A hand puppet that speaks in broken English… CLEARLY points to the people who created it being high.  And the fact that it’s only shown at 12:00am and 12:30am indicates they never really had any intention of kids learning from it in the first place.  WHAT KID IS UP AT THAT TIME?!?!

I really question Nickelodeons decision to run this show.

3. Fanboy and Chum Chum

Fuck. This. Show.

First, let me direct you to the user reviews for this show on the IMDB website.  Go ahead and click that.  Read the reviews.

Back? Good. Okay, that will tell you just how bad this show is.  This show is so stupid your IQ will fall 5 points with every episode you watch.  The theme song?  FUCK THIS THEME SONG.  In an alternate universe, this theme song destroyed The Mae Shi’s career and they were banished from fucking EARTH.  Everything about this show is an abomination of TV.  I considered putting this show in the #1 spot, but I decided that it’s not good enough to make #1 EVEN ON A WORST SHOWS LIST.  It doesn’t even warrant a full on review.  That’s all i’m saying about this show.

2. Go, Diego, Go!

How they’ve gotten away with this for this long, I have no idea.

So, now we’ve reached # 2.  Numero dos.  And, boy, is it a doozy.  Go, Diego, Go! is a spin-off of Dora the Explorer that airs on Nickelodeon.  He is Dora’s younger cousin and his main focus is to help animals in danger, mainly in the Amazon Rainforest.  Hmm, let’s see… a kid of about 6 or 7 running around the Amazon assisting animals, sometimes very dangerous animals, BY HIMSELF.   He’s pudgy looking as hell and sort of has a messy jungle fro thing going He also has a pet jaguar creatively named “Baby Jaguar” that can talk.  Well, on his show it can talk, but on Dora’s show it can’t.  HA! I mean come on, you can’t have a talking purple monkey who wears shiny red boots AND a talking baby jaguar on the same show!  That’s just not plausible.  Well, thinking about it, NOTHING about his show is plausible .

He has a camera named “Click” that is voiced by Rosey Perez with probably the most annoying fucking character voice over AND theme song (just listen to that crap) in the entire history of cartoons and a backpack called “Rescue Pack” that can magically transform into any Goddamn thing he wants it to with a fucking Salsa theme song.  Need a mountain bike?  Rescue Pack will first transform into a single prop airplane, then a pogo stick and finally a mountain bike, and then ask you which one you need, even though you’ve asked for a mountain bike in the first place.  Mountain bike you say? Again? Then it decides it will transform into a fucking mountain bike.  And it will do it to a Salsa soundtrack.  Need a raft?  Throw Rescue Pack into the Goddamn river and it will transform into a parachute, a grappling hook and THEN magically transform into a raft WITH oars while you almost drown.  Bullshit.  Come on.  Some kid is going to throw their backpack on the ground at some point and start screaming “RESCUE PACK, COME TO THE RESCUE! I NEED AN ATV!” and then they get eaten by a fuckin Grizzly Bear while they pretend it’s turning into 5 different things BEFORE turning into the ATV that they asked for.  No. Just no.

Diego also has an older sister named Alicia who helps him on his adventures.  She’s also sort of a caretaker for the animals that come into their rescue center for help, kind of like an animal rehab.  And though she is described to be around 10 years old, she is often seen performing tasks (like driving a fucking car) that could only be done by someone that is older.  I don’t know what the legal driving age is where they live in the Amazon, but I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.

The antagonists of the show are usually two spider monkeys called the Bobo Brothers.  Diego can basically get the Bobo Brothers to cut their shit by getting the audience to help him yell “Freeze, Bobos!”  Apparently, the shows description says that they don’t purposely cause Diego trouble and they usually apologize after doing so.  It’s like someone robbing a bank, an innocent bystander yelling “stop, don’t rob that bank!” and the perp saying “oh yeah, I forgot.  I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry”.  And he just drops his gun and gives up.  It doesn’t work that way in real life.

The animals themselves are all mostly drawn in a semi realistic fashion, which is sort of ridiculous, because they talk.  It’s almost like watching a nature show on LSD.  I know.  It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.  And the artwork on these animals looks just as ridiculous sometimes.  Nothing about this show is legit, so they really should take some liberties with the animal design as IT’S A CARTOON!

And with that we come to #1…

1. Dora the Explorer

A purple monkey with a flamboyant haircut wearing shiny red boots. Can you say “FABULOUS!!”

So, here we are at #1 and if you had any sort of clue, you probably have guessed that Dora the Explorer was #1.  I don’t really have to give much of an explanation for the show because I’m sure pretty much everyone and the bacteria in their digestive system knows this cartoon.  You have a little Latina girl named Dora (whose head bears an uncanny resemblance to a penis and if you stare into her eyes for a minute or so you really notice how creepy looking they are) and her boot wearing sidekick of a monkey, Boots.  You have the antagonist of the cartoon, Swiper the Fox, who runs around trying to fuck up their game by stealing shit.  He doesn’t run with it though.  He usually just throws whatever he grabbed up into a tree or into some bushes or something and takes off.  Basically, he’s not really a thief, just a really big prick.  They are able to stop him 90% of the time by yelling “Swiper, no swiping!”,  to which he stops, snaps his fingers, says “OH MAN!” and bounds off to find some other shit to half steal.   She has a few friends, including a squirrel name Tico, who is able to operate vehicles of all kinds, Isa the Iguana, and Benny the Bull.  But there is a good chance you already knew all of this.  Moving on.

Now, on of my biggest issues with this cartoon (aside from everything) is the fact that  EVERY PLACE on freaking EARTH is accessible within a days time.  Seriously.  Dora has circumnavigated the globe all before night fall in a single episode.  The pyramids of Egypt are within sight of the Eiffel Tower according to this cartoon.  They are just over a hill.  Want to go to Machu Picchu?  Walk about 6 steps from the “Gooey Geyser”.  Or better yet, just jump on the pink splooge spewed up by the Gooey Geyser and let it launch you over there.  Because on Dora’s version of Earth you can.  You can also make it to the Great Wall of China from Mexico in three steps according to her “Map”.  You just have to go through the Butterfly Forest, cross the Troll Bridge and you are there.  By the way, “Map” lives in Dora’s backpack and can only be summoned by Dora yelling “MAP” with the help of the audience of course.  When he is summoned, he has a song where he repeats “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map” over and over again until your ears bleed.  Backpack is also a living entity and has his own “Backpack” song as well, which is worse than the Salsa number Diego’s Rescue Pack does, if that’s possible.  Apparently, Backpack was preloaded with shit Dora predicted she would need that day, along with shit she doesn’t need like a water gun, a cheese wheel, and a pencil sharpener.  Instead of changing into the aforementioned objects like Diego’s “Rescue Pack” before it gives her what she wants, it just juggles the items in a circle until the audience can figure out what Dora needs to complete whatever task she is working on.  Dora is bilingual, appears to be an experienced world traveler, knows Santa Claus, some mermaids and a gas pump named “Gassy”, but she needs help from children ages 2-5 figuring out that she needs an umbrella from her backpack to avoid rain.  It’s a wonder how she get’s by.  Anyway, this will not help children further down the line in their Geography classes because they will have learned from Dora that you can get from China to the Parthenon in Greece in about 5 minutes by bicycle.

Now, as if 1 Dora series wasn’t enough, we have a new series: Dora’s Explorer Girls.  Basically, this is about Dora as a Shakira loving pre-teen and her friends Naiya, Kate, Emma, and Alana who call themselves “The Explorer Girls”.  Apparently, a lot of moms were asking Nick and Mattel to create a way for young girls past the preschool age to continue to grow with Dora, since children lose interest in Dora once they are able to actually walk away from the TV.  At the behest of mom’s everywhere, a new, more mature Dora that preteen girls can relate to was developed.  AAAAAAND it almost backfired.  There was a ton of controversy over the new Dora; so much so, the Mattel and Nickelodeon released a joint statement on the issue. Whoops. Anyway, the new Dora lives in the city and is all “Nancy Drew” like, solving mysteries like “how to plant trees” or “how to clean up a beach” and doing things like “making a difference” in their community.  Yeah, this will capture the hearts and minds of preteen girls EVERYWHERE.  Forget lip gloss and style, girls these days want to go plant trees and pick up dirty hypodermic needles off of the beach.

Now that Dora is older and has new friends, I’m assuming Boots has been relegated to “Style Consultant”. FABULOUS!

I know you are probably saying to yourself “But, Sean, Dora is so popular! She is one of Nickelodeons biggest properties! She is beloved by children all over the world! She is on everything from clothing, to backpacks, to tooth brushes!”  You know what? Well fuck all, I don’t care.  That’s part of the reason WHY she made it to the top spot.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So, there you have it.  6 cartoons that I think absolutely suck.  Of course, it’s all a matter of opinion and this article happens to list a few of mine.  You may or may not like these cartoons.  I don’t.  I grew up watching shit that just wreaked of awesome: GI Joe, Thundercats, Transformers, M.A.S.K., He-Man, Johnny Quest, DINO RIDERS…

No witty caption needed. It speaks for itself.

These cartoons just took you on an adventure and didn’t really try to teach you anything.  They were fodder for the imagination.  They didn’t try to teach you Spanish or what a rhombus is, they made you know that you wanted the Sword of Omens something FIERCE, or you wanted a car that could transform into a jet or a giant robot friend, you wanted to ride on the back of a fucking T-Rex that had laser cannons and you wanted to be able to yell “I HAVE THE POWER!” into the air and have a fucking beam of power transform you into a hulking barbarian that could stop massive amounts of dicks.  THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT!  The cartoons today want to teach kids things, and if you read anything in the above paragraphs, you can see that it fails at it pretty badly.  I say, get back to cartoons that just feed the imagination.  Cartoons are supposed to be an escape from the world of learning and chores and responsibility.  Leave the learning to school.


“Hillstranded” Left Crypto Fans Stranded…


I’m going to start off by saying, I was completely disappointed by the episode of “Hillstranded” on the Discovery Channel.  Sure, it was fun to watch the Hillstrand brothers do their thing and kind of have free reign on their own show.  Those guys are definitely entertaining and in that aspect but I can get that sort of entertainment from any number of other shows on TV.   But I, just like anyone else with an interest in Cryptozoology, was watching to see the video that was ever so hyped over the last few months.  I tuned in to see something previously unknown to friggin’ science;  in particular the video shot by a Washington state fishing boat captain in 2009 showing around 15 or so dark colored creatures with serrated backs being chased by a pod of beluga whales.  Creatures resembling Cadborosaurus Willsi, or Caddy for short.  The video that was hyped on Cryptomundo over the last few months.  I was really hoping to see the part where the creature pokes it’s “camel” looking head up from the water to look in the direction of the camera, a head that resembled the head on the caddy carcass found in the stomach of a whale in October 1937.  It was not to be, however.  Instead, we were shown a video much like pretty much ever other video of a crytpid out there on the web;  very inconclusive, very vague, and with no definitive, conclusive idea as to what the hell we were looking at.  Fuck you very much Discovery Channel.  It was like an entertaining episode of Monster Hunter.  Instead of showing what sounded like one of the best videos of a cryptid ever shot, we get what was basically an hour of the Hillstrand brothers, who we can see on “The Deadliest Catch” anyway.

This clears EVERYTHING up.

I’m going to go ahead and throw my own theory out there based on what we DID see:  I think cadborosaurus is a new species of whale.  If you look at the parts of the video that they did show (which was basically nothing), you definitely see some very whale like blowhole action, it’s movement was up and down like an whale or dolphin rather than side to side like a fish, it seemed to have a very pinniped or cetacean like tail, all indicators of an aquatic mammal.

If you can tell me what this is based on this picture, you, sir, are a Goddamn magician.

Another factor to take into account is the humps that are reported with Cadborosaur sightings.  These COULD very well be dorsal humps.  The beluga whale has a very prominent dorsal hump, as do right whales.  Another characteristic of a cetacean like animal.  It wouldn’t surprise me if caddy was a new species of whale.  As a matter of fact, there have been a few species of whale that were only recently discovered, including 3 distinct species of Bryde’s whale.   Bryde’s whales have a very elongated shape, much like the description of cadborosaurus.  Caddy also seems to be predatory and carnivorous, much like many of the whale species in the Arctic including orca, beluga, harbor porpoises, and the narwhal.

The defining characteristic of caddy, however, seems to be it’s face.  It’s supposed to look like a camel or a horse.  Now, there isn’t a whale or pinniped on Earth that has a face that looks anything like what the caddy’s face is reported to look like.  But adaptation can produce some dramatic results.  Take the hippopotamus. Yes, the hippo-emeffing-potamus, whose name in Greek means “water horse”.  They are the closest living relatives to whales today and by looking at them you would never know.  And the narwhal, with it’s long helical tusk protruding from it’s face (in rare cases some have two).  CRAZY evolution.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Caddy developed a long camel like face for snapping up fish and other prey.

There was a point toward the end of the special where Johnathan Hillstrand seemed to have something on the end of his line.  According to Andy Hillstrand “We saw a big, long white thing moving in the water. We chased it for about 20 minutes.  Spray came out of its head,” he continued. “It was definitely not a shark. A giant eel may be possible, but eels don’t have humps that all move in unison. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”  The Hillstrands, like pretty much every other fisherman who has reported seeing caddy over the years, including some Native Inuits, are experienced fishermen who know the local marine life very well.   I don’t think this is a case of wrongful identification.

There  is rumor that the Hillstrands are going to take another crack at catching Caddy.  In all honesty, I would rather Discovery just show the whole damn video FIRST, so we could see what all the hype was about, THEN have the brothers Hillstrand go for round 2.


My Brain is Fried. Thank You August 3rd.


I know I said I was going to post those beers reviews and I will.  I’ll get to them.  Right now I’ve got something more pertinent to talk about.  I’m a HUGE fan of viral marketing.  I had an unhealthy obsession with the whole Cloverfield viral marketing and the “Slusho” theme song never left my head.  WELL, the other day I was scouring the internetz looking for something new and exciting and I came across this:

8-3-11.info

Go ahead and click on that.  And then say goodbye to your life until August 3rd, 2011 because this will be your new crack.  The first thing you’ll notice is a rather creepy picture of a little girl as well as a rather creepy soundtrack.  The sounds you are hearing are part of what’s called a “Number Station”.  There’s a shit ton of these things and rumor is they are used by various countries to communicate with their spies over short wave radio.  Now, go ahead and inspect the picture a bit closer and you’ll see that the left half of her face is photoshopped and is actually a whole other face.

This girls face will haunt your dreams.

According to a member of the group that runs the site, who goes by the handle -•-175,000, the right half of the girl represents her at age 6 and the other half as an adult woman.   This girl is named Belle, she’s still alive (she’s currently 83) and is apparently the “symbol” of this whole thing.

Now, the members of the group have numerical code names.  They are:

~18,000 – The leader.  The one and only tier 1.  Whatever the hell that means.

••21,000 –  Not much is known about this member other than he/she is at tier 2.

–36,000 – This is a woman. She is currently at tier 2 level. Oldest member of the group.

-68,000 – Encodes messages into the secret language that the group created, which vaguely resembles runes. It is not human and may be named Sam.  Or not.  It depends.  Figure it out.

-•-175,000 – The PR Man.  The guy who responds to questions.  Mysterious as fuck.

You’ll also notice some handy links (with their own creepy numbers station soundtracks) that aren’t actually handy at all and further work to gangbang your brain.   One link in particular titled “Ask Anonymously” brings you to a Formspring page where -•-175,000 answers the masses (sometimes extremely fucking stupid) questions about this whole box of mindfuck fun with extremely detailed answers such as yes, no, maybe, and I can’t give too much away yet.  Mr. 175k did indicate all the clues are already there to figure it out, people are just not putting the pieces together effectively.  There are people who have already figured it out and those people have been recruited for the the cause and those people can also kiss my ass.  You can actually apply to join them via the “Get Involved” link, but you have to catch them at the right time as the application process opens and closes randomly.

The Sightings page has pictures from all over the world where Belle’s face has been plastered on telephone poles, power boxes, bulletin boards, the sides of buildings, etc.   On the Formspring forum, One Hundred Seventy Five Thousand was asked if the pictures are the “key” to this whole thing.  He indicated that the pictures weren’t important in any respect because “no key was necessary”.  However, he was recent asked if the new pictures were important at all and his answer: “They are key”.  So apparently they are important now.  They weren’t at first, but now they are.

Speaking of pictures these were “leaked”:

Wha... What the hell?? I dont even know...

Ok. We've got a crash test dummy saying something with some land mines buried in the ground and the Triforce in the lower right corner and.... ah fuck it. I give up.

AboveTopSecret.com, a forum where I frequently lurk, has a 100+ page thread covering this and the theories are all over the place.   And it’s spreading like a wild fire on there.  Seriously, go to the VEEEERY last page of the thread.  Walk away and come back in 5 minutes.  There will be 3 more pages.  That quickly.  If you don’t want to read through all 1oo some odd plus pages of the thread (you should because it’s crazy addictive), a member by the name of Forevever took the time to post a nice detailed run down of everything that is known or been guessed at so far, as well as the four most popular theories .  Popular ARG forum Unfiction.com also has a thread dedicated to the cause with just over 75+ pages.  Part of the fun is sitting there and seeing how people gather and interpret information from practically nothing and work together toward a common cause.   And this is actually one of the theories about 8•3•11: it’s some sort of big Sociology experiment about “working together with your fellow man”, looking inside yourself to see what you are capable of, and basically learning YOU.  Very 2011-dirty-hippy-movement type stuff.

I have to say that personally, I REALLY hope that’s not what this whole thing comes down to.  If you want to look inside yourself and find out what you’re about, you go survive in the woods for a week or do some tai chi or at the very least do some deep meditation or something.  The only thing I learn about myself with these things is I develop an unhealthy addiction to them and I’ll probably learn at what age I develop a hunch back later on in life from being hunched over in front of the computer for hours on end.

On the flip side of that coin, it IS very exciting because no one but the people behind this KNOW what’s going to happen on August 3rd, 2011 and the whole process behind clue gathering and trying to figure out what’s going on is good fun.  The anticipation of what will go down on August 3rd is good fun (according to them it’s not violent, no one will get hurt, they will not gain any money from it, they aren’t endorsing any movie, video game, music, or anything like that).  I enjoy using my brain.  I enjoy learning new things doing hours of research online.  If anything, I’m getting a fantastic sense of nostalgia (the Cloverfield ARG) as well as some mental exercise, which can’t hurt.  I definitely look forward to more of these types of things in the future.

NOW for my theory:

I think the pictures with the dummy (puppet) and the rocks represents something figuratively.  Notice the “puppet” is in the middle. On either side there is rocks. Attached to those rocks is a string that goes through an underground pipe to the dummy. If one side picks up a rock, the dummy will be pulled and fall down in that direction (swayed to one side) and the stone will sail over to the other side. Think about it… one side (a specific COUNTRY)casting stones (stones have been called MISSILES in the past), the puppet (being the United States) and the other side literally being another country with their “missiles”. The whole biblical references “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. On the formspring thread he was asked what country will this take place in? His answer was YOUR COUNTRY. Which means ANY country.  I think it’s something involving a world war.  Or something. And Belle being the “symbol” for this whole thing and her supposed illness or skin disorder may indicate she was injured in her facial features in some sort of war or battle.  Thus, she is the symbol of the movement so that it doesn’t happen to anyone else.  I don’t know.  Either way, my brain is definitely fried.

Everyone should… no… everyone NEEDS to take note: If you want to get your cause, your ideas, your beliefs out there, this is the way to do it.