Well, Looks Like 99% of Americans Living in the South are Terrorists

The FBI and Homeland Security have released a list that contains what might make someone a domestic terrorist (or a terrorist in general).  This list pretty much indicates that most of the population of the southern United States (and many regions of Appalachia) are terrorists.   Let’s take a look at some of the most ignorant items on this list.  And by ignorant I mean these are REALLY fucking stupid.  See for yourself.

Note the NRA hat, the Marlboro Reds, and the shirt that MAY indicate something along the lines of violence to another person on Cletus, and the OBVIOUS crossed eyes from "terroristin'" on Bucephelus. Also, Bucephalus's name sounds A LOT like "encephalitis" which is a brain illness you can contract from mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that were probably released by terrorists.

  • Second Amendment-oriented views (NRA or gun club membership, holding a CCW permit) and frequent proclamation of  Constitutional Rights- Basically, the 2nd Amendment protects the right’s of U.S. citizens to keep and bear arms.  There are several versions of the text for this Amendment, two of which are:
    As passed by the Congress:  A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. 
    As ratified by the States
    : A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.This fundamental right was viewed as important by early ‘Merican’s for a few reasons:

    • deterring undemocratic government;
    • repelling invasion;
    • suppressing insurrection;
    • facilitating a natural right of self-defense;
    • participating in law enforcement;
    • enabling the people to organize a militia system

    So, in essence, if you tout your right to keep firearms, support Charlton Heston and the NRA, or possess a gun permit, and you talk about that shit, there is a good indication you are being a terrorist.  Go look in the mirror you sad sunuvabitch.

    And proclamation of CONSTITUTIONAL GODDAMN RIGHTS?!?! The Constitution was created by our FOUNDING FUCKING FOREFATHERS to outline our INALIENABLE RIGHTS!! Soooooo every one of the brave men that founded OUR COUNTRY were apparently terrorists.  Because, HA! These fools actually believed the shit they founded an entire country ON!! It’s like the biggest April Fools joke EVER!!

    The NRA was created by PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE!!!

  • Survivalist literature (fictional books such as “Patriots” and “One Second After” are mentioned by name) – Any books about self sufficiency, surviving during and after sort of catastrophe disaster (ELE and/or TEOTWAWKI), and basically teaching you how to keep your ass alive indicates that, yes, you are probably a terrorist or at some point you may become one.  Why should we know how to keep ourselves and our families alive if one day the world decides “Fuck you, I’m over you existing. I think you need to die right now!”  Answer:  You are actually supposed to just give up.  I mean, why try, right?  Just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out and maybe when you wake up you’ll think more clearly.
  • Self-sufficiency (stockpiling food, ammo, hand tools, medical supplies) – Oh boy.  I’ve seen a few “couponers” on TV that are fucked ROYALLY right now.  They need to stop stockpiling their shit, take turns posting up at their windows and doors, and keep a keen eye out for the law enforcement that is going to raid their house at any time and steal all of that creamed corn they have in their “walk in cupboard whose design was influenced by God”.  Contrary to popular belief, you are supposed to run out of food so you can go spend all of your money at the grocery stores.  If you have a gun, forget ammo, just shoot peas from your stockpiles of food.  Hand tools?  HA! Use your teeth.  Injured? Don’t use band aids or gauze,  just bleed.  Headache?  Punch yourself in the groin until that pain overpowers that silly headache of yours.  You aren’t supposed to use Excedrin.  Terrorists use Excedrin you silly bastard.

    What a terrorist's table may look like. Take a mental picture.

  • Religious views concerning the book of Revelation (apocalypse, anti-Christ) – I’m not particularly religious.  Okay, I’m not religious AT ALL.  But every minister, priest, bishop, deacon, reverend, WHATEVER, in the world have religious views on the book of Revelation right now.  So, basically when you go to church on Sunday it’s not a congregation of fellow Christians, it’s a fucking terrorist gathering.   The rise of the anti-Christ, the mark of the beast, the Apocalypse… It’s all terrorist propaganda.  The conspiracy theory behind the book of Revelation is that the mark of the beast is actually a tracking chip that is implanted into people during surgeries and what not.  This may not be so far fetch as it actually happened recently.  Scary shit.  The whole Apocalypse thing sounds a lot like nuclear war and the anti-Christ is probably a member of the famed Illuminatiwho tries to rally the world under one leader.   The fact that they don’t want people believing this stuff is because they want to divert your attention from what is really happening.  At least, that’s the theory.  And only terrorists believe that sort of thing. 
  • Homeschooling – This is surprising.  Homeschooling.  Huh.  Who would have thought?  I mean, don’t even bother to take into account that public schools today are a lesson in how to survive in an EXTREMELY hostile environment.  Kids today are extremely likely to get dragged into a bathroom and gang raped, beaten, and then gang raped again.  People choose to homeschool their children for many reasons including providing more focused, individualized instruction, helping the public school system with fewer kids, poor public school environments, religious reasons, and objections to what is taught locally in public school.  I’m sure “teaching kids how to build and operate car bombs and/or other small arm weapons of death and destruction” or ‘finding the most advantageous position to set up a sniper nest in crowded public environment” will probably never show up as a reason for homeschooling.

    "See this here, son? This is how you blow shit up effectively. There will be a quiz on this tomorrow."

  • Significantly alters appearance from visit to visit (shaving beard, changing hair color or style, style of dress, etc.) – Well, apparently shaving is not acceptable for men anymore.  The “rough and rugged” look is in both fashionably AND with the government.  Also, ladies, completely forget about dying your hair or getting it cut, because that’s what terrorists do.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  You can’t wipe your ass with the wrong kind of toilet paper today without being called a terrorist.  I guess Gillette, Schick, and Bic are out of fucking business.  So are L’oreal, Garnier, Clairol, Feria and every other boxed hair color brand.  Next we will be told if someone uses Kleenex over Charmin, they are probably building explosive lined vests in their basements.

    Not sports heroes. TERRORISTS!!

  • Having missing hand(s) or finger(s), chemical burns, strange odors, or brightly colored stains on clothing – Good Jesus, if you are a Shop or Chemistry teacher you are literally FUCKED on this deal.  You will probably have to sign an “I Promise I’m not a Terrorist Agreement” before you can teach children sometime in the near future.  And MAKE SURE YOU SHOWER.  Like a motherfucker.  But don’t shave.  Because if you stink AND are well shaven, missing fingers and/or  have bleach stains on your clothes, or you are French, you probably have a small arm explosive somewhere on your person.  According to the government.

    So you're probably a fucking terrorist.

  • Demonstrates interest in uses that do not seem consistent with the intended use of item being purchased – Okay, let me just say that cucumbers, bananas, melons and carrots have been used in a manner ” not consistent with the intended use of the item being purchased ” for about as long as people have had right minds and genitals.  As have bottles of all shapes and sizes, condiments such as honey, chocolate, and syrup, Vaseline and baby oil, and various pies.

    Fuck a pie lately? Yes? You fucking terrorist, you!!!

  • Possesses little knowledge of the item(s) being purchased – How many times have you purchased some new “technology” from Best Buy or HHGregg or some other place and have not known what the fuck you were supposed to do with it?  Well, I haven’t but there ARE people who have.  And these people were probably born before 1975.  I’m pretty damn “tech savvy” but there are many (old) folks out there who will buy a new cell phone or computer because the sales rep at their local electronics store sold them on it and they can’t even make a fucking phone call or create a user name to log in.  Does that mean they are terrorists?  NO!  That means they have to call a son or daughter or a friend or coworker who DOES know how their new purchase works and get a lesson on new technology.  I’m pretty sure if you are a terrorist, you’ve gotten the run down on how some shit you will use to blow some other shit up works in a sort of “Terrorist Camp” and you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  This shouldn’t even be CONSIDERED.

    The sales guy told us we just had to drop them on people!!!

  • You have a bumper sticker or other paraphernalia supporting Ron Paul for president – Yup.  If you support Ron fucking PAUL for our next president then you may as well just join Al Qaeda.  I’m just going to rest my case on this one.

On Survival, Awareness, Psychology and Mortality

When I was younger, just like a lot of young men, I used to look at various websites depicting death and carnage and what not like rotten.com and goregallery.com and the like.  It’s a morbid curiosity I think every person has gone through at some point.  My buddies and I would sit around, with our beers purchased for us by the neighborhood “hook up guy” and look at various ways people have bitten it and go “MAN THIS ONE IS EFFED UP!!!”.  And you wonder, “Did this person have any idea that this was going to happen? Did they see this coming?” Chances are the answer is no.  Unless they were intentionally committing suicide they had no idea death was waiting to shake their hand.

Pondering on that, no one can EVER know when it’s their time.  I would put money down on the bet that a lot of those deaths occurred because these people weren’t aware.  I believe that moving without being aware and knowing is wasted movement.  They didn’t pay attention to what was going on around them.  People are creatures of comfort.  They like thinking they are safe in their home, or their car is going to get them from A to B, or they can walk down the street and not get mugged or shot or raped.  They have a mentality that nothing bad is ever going to happen to them and that if they are ignorant to certain things, they can’t be affected by them.  They read about it in the paper or see it on the news but they don’t think it will ever actually happen to them.  As the old saying goes, “ignorance is bliss”.  They are living but they don’t know how to survive.  This is a fatal flaw.

I grew up with a survival mentality.  I had a father who was a survivor in the “streets” (he lived a HELL of a life and that’s all I’ll say about that) and I had a grandfather who was an outdoorsman; he knew how to survive in the wild (he is a purist in the sense that he only hunts with a bow and is HUGE on primitive survival).  Both men knew how to survive in their respective environments and they knew how to do it very well and I was lucky enough to have both men teach me their ways.  Learning those skills from a young age makes you very aware of what is going on around you and it’s something I believe EVERY person should learn and know from a very young age. Knowing how to survive in any environment is INVALUABLE.  The real comfort is in knowing how to survive if your lost on a hike, your plane goes down, or your lost at sea.  Likewise, if your car craps out in the middle of  an unfamiliar neighborhood and you know how to carry yourself properly so as not to look like a potential target and have the ability to spot potential threats to your safety. I call this “Total Survival” and it’s absolutely ESSENTIAL for keeping your ass alive in today’s world. You have a survivalist mentality and no how to survive no matter what environment you are in where ever you are.

It’s one thing to know how to build a fire with a flint and striker, or even a bow drill, or how to build a dead fall to catch some food and build yourself a lean to or wickiup to sleep in.  But, when you are in an urban environment where most of the time you are surrounded by people who possess lower moral and ethical standards then yourself it is essential to know how to handle yourself.  I’ve been a martial artist for a LOOONG time.  I’ve learned many different martial arts and I’ve done so for a reason.  You never know where or when your physical person is going to be threatened and how the fight will go down.  Real fights are nothing like the choreographed bullshit you see on the movies and TV; they are BRUTAL. I’ve studied multiple different martial arts from Boxing to Kenpo, Aikido to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Japanese Jujitsu; I’m a student of all arts martial and combat and I did this for the reason that no I wasn’t limiting myself.  Wherever the fight went I could handle it.  I can stand with you or if you want to go to the ground I’m just as comfortable there.  It’s nice to know those fundamentals. I’ve used those fundamentals to aid me in actual altercations.  I’ve knocked people out and I’ve choked people out.  I’ve had brawls and I’ve ended fights in a few seconds.  Those situations are wonderful and very fulfilling in a sense that you knew how to apply those fundamental skills well enough that you didn’t have to think.  They were just there when you needed them and you were able to apply them to a real world situation to defeat your opponent.  However, you will also learn by fighting you learn that no matter how much martial arts skill you have, when you are faced with someone who literally wants to take your head off, you do what you have to do.  Throat, eyes, ribs, nose, solar plexus, groin, knees… nothing is off limits and everything is about ending that fight as quickly and efficiently as you can with as little damage to yourself as possible.  That is also the essence of survival.  No matter how crafty you are in the woods or how slick you are at hustling in the street, if you can’t protect your ass, those skills don’t matter.

On the other side of the coin, you can be the slickest cat on the street, but if your dropped on a mountain in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on your back and the shoes on your feet, no amount of fighting prowess is going to save you.  Sure the agility, stamina and situation assessment skills you learn from martial arts can’t hurt, but they are not going to get you shelter, food, water or rescue.  You can’t run down and choke out a deer, you can’t go Zangief on a bear and you can’t kick down an oak or a willow to build a wickiup to sleep in.  These are skills you develop over many years of use and practice.  If you can assess your situation and know your basic needs as they pertain to survival, you know you need protection from the elements, where you can aid your cause in obtaining rescue and water and finally food. How to build a fire for warmth (and most often for sanity). Your chances of getting out alive increase many times over.  Learn to build a fire from many different things.  Learn to build traps for food.  Read and learn to identify edible, medicinal and poisonous plants.  Learn about dangerous wild life.  Learn to tie knots. Everything is invaluable

In addition to actual skills, (and in some cases in complete lack there of) a WILL to survive is necessary.  I say in some cases a complete lack of because there are stories of people who have had ZERO survival training or experience but what they did have was simply the PSYCHOLOGICAL WILL to survive and they were able to do so. The story of Helen Klaben and Ralph Flores is an example.  They were just regular guys who had no specialist training and made the error of flying their plane in weather they knew they shouldn’t be flying in.  The odds were very against them as they failed to take advantage of learning how to handle themselves should their plane go down and it did.  The reason why they survived was their spirit. Their will.  They did what they had to do and they got out alive. You can have all of the skills in the world in your respective environment but if you run out of hope and the will to use those skills, it’s just as well that you even had them.  Because you will probably end up dead.

Another skill to have that is imperative to survival is observation.  Just being observant.  Noticing things how they are and exactly when they change and how that change is in relation to you.  My wife calls me a detective all the time because I can pick up on subtle changes to things most don’t notice simply because I observe EVERYTHING.  People look at things every day.  But they don’t really observe.  Where is the Pepsi emblem in relation to the word Pepsi on the front of the bottle.  I bet you had to look because you didn’t remember.  You may drink it everyday and still not know what it even looks like. You see the emblem without taking into account of the composition and layout of the icon and the word Pepsi itself, but if asked later down the line you don’t remember.  That’s where observation comes in.  Observe people and do it often.  Learn how they react to things. See how they handle certain situations. And observe people at all levels in life, from the homeless guy on the side of the highway exit to the CEO of your company.  Observing lets you know how to communicate with and handle people effectively and, therefore, survive.  I observe everything.  If I notice something is off, I’ll say so. It’s saved my ass more than once.  In the wild observe what the clouds are doing, how the animals are behaving, etc. This will allow you to determine what upcoming weather might be like.  You could observe patterns in animal movement that may allow you to more easily catch yourself a meal.  Observation is critical.

Another aspect of survival is to open your mind.  Know what COULD happen even if it hasn’t and in a lot of situations there’s no indication it will.  I’m on various news websites daily such as CNN and other, more conspiratorial websites called AboveTopSecret.com and the like reading about conspiracy theories on everything from government to extraterrestrials, to cryptids and the paranormal.  Some of it is obvious crap.  But I run into A LOT of info that blows my mind and could very well be feasible.  So I add it to my aresenal and I move on.  There is no limit to the amount of knowledge you can (and SHOULD) gain when it comes to survival.  Get out there, open your mind, read, sort the bullshit, absorb it, practice it and use it.  ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.  And a lot of times it WILL happen.  And knowing about it before hand can help you survive it.

To sum it all up:

Survival – Learn to survive WHEREVER YOU ARE.  Learn to survive not only wooded mountainous areas but learn learn desert survival, swamp survival, cold weather survival, water survival, learn street survival, learn to defend yourself and ALWAYS be ready for whatever the world throws at you.

Awareness – ALWAYS BE AWARE.  ALWAYS BE AWARE.  Don’t be ignorant and think it can’t happen to you because it can and it will.  Educate yourself on your surroundings.  Know where to go and where not to go.  Be aware of what and who is around you.  Don’t walk through an unfamiliar area with your head down and your shoulders slumped.  You will be marked.  Walk with your head up and scanning your surroundings.  Don’t get yourself in a position where you will get yourself killed. Know where you are at in relation to potential threats and know how to gtfo or if you absolutely have to, be aware of how you are going make sure that THEY want to gtfo.  In addition, awareness means knowing what could potentially happen in ANY given area and being prepared for it.  If your plane crashes, and you are aware of where the flotational devices are and the oxygen masks, where the weakest part of the plane is and where the emergency exit is, you have a better chance at surviving.

Psychology – The psychological aspect of survival: I survived, I survived for a reason, and now I’m going to keep doing every damn thing I can do to survive. This is critical.  You could have all the skills in the world, MacGuyver.  You could build a compound with some bamboo, paper clips, chewing gum and a shoe string, but if you aren’t mentally there for the fight you should just count yourself out.  YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT. Also called the “Will to Live”.

Mortality – Mortality occurs when survival and awareness  and the will to live fail to coexist.  Those people mentioned in the first paragraph who appear on those websites died because they weren’t aware of what was going on around them and they were killed in a car wreck or shot or stabbed or fell off of a building or just weren’t paying attention and had a pole rammed through their head.  They thought the guy on the corner with the overcoat and silly grin on his face was just being overly friendly.  Or they didn’t know that they had to store leftover food stuffs 300 yards from a camp and a bear came in and ate them. AKA – DEAD.

Everyone has sense of their own mortality in some way. It’s built into our psyches. Looking at those people who have died in horrific manners reminds us of our own mortality and that it can happen at any time. People are afraid of that sense of mortality because they don’t know what happens after you go. It can be downright debilitating for some people and more often then not they never leave their home because of it. But, like I said earlier, “chance favors the prepared mind” and if you have learned and you have practiced and you are aware of what “could” happen…becoming aware by reading, research, observing, paying attention to EVERYTHING… and then learning how to react and adapt to those situations, and then applying it with everything you have to keep yourself alive when faced with any situation, you may never have to face that mortality head on.

When a basic survival mentality and awareness, with a will to keep it moving coexist, and wasted movement is absent, your chances at living a long and happy life are that much better in the end. And in todays society, this should be something taught in schools as a required course.  But that’s just my opinion.  See you at the end of the world. Whenever the hell that is.  But you can be sure I’ll be there. Surviving.  And waiting to fuck shit up