The Biggest Dick Moves in Dragon Ball Z (and GT For That Matter)…Pt. 1


Ep. Ic.

Look at this picture and absorb what you see.  These guys just look fucking bad ass (save for Trunks there in the lower right corner, who looks like he’s posing for a Calvin Klein ad or something).  Now, think back on your childhood and remember the cartoons you used to watch (if you’re my age or older) and how utterly AWESOME 80’s and early 90’s cartoons were (or how awesome they SEEMED to be).  I’ll give you a nice bullet list of the cartoons I used to watch in no particular order:

  • He Man
  • G.I. Joe
  • Transformers
  • Go-Bots (I know they were a Transformers rip-offs)
  • Thundercats
  • Silverhawks
  • Tigersharks
  • Dinoriders
  • Dinosaucers
  • M.A.S.K.
  • Centurions
  • Voltron
  • Captain N
  • Super Mario Bros./Zelda (on Fridays)
  • Ninja Turtles
  • Captain FUCKING Power!!!

    Epic? Yes. Would they have a snowball's chance in Hell? No.

That’s just a FEW of the many MANY cartoons I used to watch.  There are others that I will NOT mention here ::cough Gummi Bears cough::  But anyway, you could take EVERY cartoon character in EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cartoons and put them all together into one giant awesome universe destroying series of awesomeness and pit them against Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Trunks… just those 4… and they would all fucking lose HORRIBLY.

The characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT were so galaxy destroying fuck powerful that you would need a task force consisting of Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Juggernaut, Thor, Martian Man Hunter, Sentry, and probably GOD to even have a snowball’s chance in hell at competing with the characters in this show.  It seemed like every progressive saga in the series(es) had a foe that was 100x stronger than the foe before it and as a result the heroes got even stronger.  Hell, at the end of Dragon Ball GT (the end of the Dragon Ball story itself) Omega Shenron and both Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Vegeta (and eventually Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta) were strong enough to destroy entire GALAXIES if they wanted to.  They had that kind of power.

The Dragon Ball series, as epic as it was, was not without it’s “dick moves”, however.  You know what a “dick move” is; it’s when someone does something so wrong, so out of place, so fucked up, that the only thing you can say or think at that point in time is, “that was a fucking DICK move!”  And that is what this posting is going to cover; the biggest “Dick Moves” in the Dragon Ball Z/GT series.  I’m not going to cover Dragon Ball because, well, those characters didn’t have the epic power that the characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT had and, even though it was a fantastic series, and the beginning of the whole thing, it just doesn’t have that WOW! effect that the last two series had.  I’m also NOT going to cover the movies because I plan on touching on them in another posting (plus, half of this list would consist of shit that Broly did so I’ll save that for another time).  So, with that said, I’m going to go in chronological order here and go from the Saiyan Saga to the Shadow Dragon Saga at the end of Dragon Ball GT. So, without further ado, here we go!

1. Raditz Threatens to Kill Gohan if Goku Doesn’t Kill 100 Humans

I don't know where this came from, but for some reason Raditz reminds me of Zak Bagans in this picture. Zak Bagans choking up a kid.

If you watched the Dragon Ball series, you know that Goku landed on planet Earth as a child and went on many an adventure with Bulma trying to locate the Dragon Balls.  What you didn’t know at that time (at least until Dragon Ball Z) was that Goku was actually sent to Earth to destroy it and we learn all of this from Goku’s dear brother, Raditz after he too crash lands on Earth.  Cue meeting with Goku and let the trash talking commence.  Raditz also had the courtesy to give Goku an interesting history lesson.  He indicated that the Saiyans original home planet, Planet Vegeta, was obliterated by an asteroid (which you also find out later during the Frieza saga is complete bullshit) some twenty years earlier, and that there are only four Saiyans left in the universe, including Goku himself.

Well, naturally, since they are 2 of the remaining (supposedly) 4 Saiyans left in the entire universe, they have to stick together, right?  And what are Saiyans good at?  Death and destruction! If races of people were music styles, Saiyans would be fucking Death Metal!  And just maybe these two long lost brothers can catch up a bit on the ride, shoot the shit and have some laughs, you know?  So it is at this point Raditz tells Goku he’s in the gang whether he wants to be or not.  Goku doesnt want though and refuses, pretty much telling Raditz not to hold his Goddamn breath.  Now, I’m pretty sure at this point Raditz was probably saying to himself, “I could lay a massive ass whipping on this dude at any point of my choosing and still you could rebuild my spaceship 1000 times over with all of the fucks he couldn’t give. I have to find another way to convince him”.  This is when he happens to notice Gohan.  Raditz, ever the opportunist, concocts a plan and proposes an ultimatum for Goku; he will kill Gohan unless Goku kills one hundred humans within twenty-four hours. Then he flies off with Gohan.  And there wasn’t a damn thing Goku could do about it. How’s that for a gang initiation?

2. Piccolo Leaves Gohan in the Wilderness for 6 Months

If you are even reading this article, you have obviously watched Dragon Ball Z.  So, you know Goku and Piccolo teamed up and went at Raditz together.  After all was said and done, Piccolo lost an arm, Gohan revealed he had some sort of hidden power by busting out of Raditz’s space pod and destroying his whole chest plate with the mother of all flying headbutts.  With Raditz reeling, Goku goes street and bum rushes him into a full nelson so that Piccolo could take care of bidness with a well aimed Special Beam Cannon.  Boo yah, ladies and gentlemen.  Game over.  As Raditz was dying he revealed that his scouter (the green eyepiece he wore to detect power signatures) also acted as a homing beacon and he just used it to tell on EARTH!  Two Saiyans even more powerful than himself would be on their way shortly to clean house and they were all pretty much fucked.  Piccolo wasn’t trying to hear that and delivers the death blow to Raditz.   Meanwhile, the rest of the gang arrives and witnesses Goku die and his body vanish.

He would be WISHING for death if this happened about a foot lower...

NOTHING about this picture looks right...

Piccolo decides that if Death himself was coming to Earth to claim names, he wasn’t going to give his up without attempting to punch some damn faces first.  So he regrows his fucking arm like a boss and tells everyone that if they are going to have any chance against the two stronger Saiyans that they need to get their asses in gear and TRAIN.  Having just witnessed Gohan unleash a headbutt that was the cranial equivalent to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, Piccolo decides he is going to train him and grabs the unconscious child, albeit not without protest from the rest of the gang, but what the hell were they going to do? They just saw a large homicidal green alien who recently killed another homicidal alien who was stronger than him regenerate his own goddamn arm.  What would YOU do?

AAARRRGGGHH AXE ANTIPERSPIRANT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!!!!

So what do you think happens next?  An 80’s style training montage where Gohan begins learning martial arts, albeit clumsily at first, until he has a moment of clarity, understands what the art is about and begins to progress at an exponential level unlike any martial artist before him? No.  He gets dropped off in the middle of the wilderness, wakes up, gets smacked around a bit, and told that he has to survive on his own in the goddamn wild for 6 months before he can even BEGIN training.  Leaving a child of about 4 in the middle of nowhere with dinosaurs (yes fucking dinosaurs) wandering around, a few apples to eat and no sense of how to fend for himself makes Piccolo sound like the Casey Anthony of martial arts teachers.  I’ve seen 4 year olds who can’t put whole sentences together, but this one gets dropped off in bum fuck Egypt BEFORE he gets any training.  My 3 year old (who will be 4 in January, close enough) would be running around trying to cut his hair with sharp rocks and eating random shit he picked up on the ground.  Granted, Gohan came out okay, but dropping a 4 year old off in the middle of nowhere for 6 months?  Dick move Piccolo.  Dick move.

3. Vegeta Kills Nappa (IT’S OVER 9,000!!!)

History has had some truly GREAT partnerships.  Batman and Robin.  Starsky and Hutch.  Bo and Luke Duke.  Thelma and Louis.  Vegeta and Nappa.  In EVERY partnership, there is always one half that is the more dominant part;  the alpha to the beta.  In the every single one of the aforementioned duo’s the alpha relied on the assistance of his (or her) partner (beta) to help them through the tough times, the trials and tribulations, the bullshit, if you will.  The street fights with the worst criminals imaginable, jumping over a fucking barn in your orange 69 Dodge Charger, quality control down the assembly line, you know, everyday life.  If one falters, the other is there to help them out.  They have each other’s back.  However, in the case of Saiyans, (as I stated before, they are death metal) you BETTER NOT FUCK UP.  SERIOUSLY.  Sure you can fly around the universe committing genocide all over the place together, but if a Saiyan feels that you are of no more use to them, you get fucking chi blasted in the face to death.  Such was the case with Vegeta and his original partner Nappa.

"We're gonna do it!! Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way!"

Now, a little background on Vegeta and Nappa.  Vegeta was a prince on the Saiyan home planet, which WAS CALLED PLANET VEGETA.   His father’s name was King Vegeta.  I’m almost certain you could go back through the entire Vegeta family tree and every male in the family was probably named Vegeta.  Nappa was the Commander-In-Chief of the entire Saiyan army.  These guys ran shit.  Take a look at that picture up there.  Nappa is gi-goddamn-gantic and Vegeta is one of those little dudes that will fuck your shit up if you mess with him.   You know the type.  Like Bruce Lee.  He was 5’8″ and looked like a wet dog with a suit on.  However, if he took his shirt off and threw them hands up you KNEW the ass whippin’ was coming FAST.  You would immediately regret the decision to screw around with him.

Yeah. You look at this picture and you think to yourself "Aw he doesn't look so tough..."

...Then the shirt comes off and a shredded Chinese man starts making hand trails in your face and you're not even high. Your body IMMEDIATELY goes into one of those "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!" seizures.

Anyway, Nappa and Vegeta come to Earth to a.) search for the Dragon Balls to wish for eternal life b.) destroy EVERYTHING on Earth because that’s what they did, and; c.)make this corner of the Milky Way their bitch.  So, they they get here and meet resistance in the form of Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Yamcha, and the duo of Tien and  Chiaotzu.  Nappa goes on the attack first while Vegeta waits in the background like little dangerous men do.  Nappa begins to decimate the Z fighters one by one. He busts Tien’s arm with a single punch.   Chiaotzu tries to pull a jihad on him by latching on to his back and blowing himself up, which Nappa ignores.  Angry over his best friend’s death, Tien uses the last of his energy to attack Nappa with a Spirit Tri Beam attack, which proves to be in useless becuase he he falls to the ground and dies immediately afterwards while Nappa survived, again with no serious injuries.

The whole time they are fighting, the Z warriors are trying to call on their boy Goku to get there quick fucking fast so he could clean some bad guy house, but to no avail.  The entire time this was going down Piccolo had been devising a plan to destroy Nappa, but Gohan was too afraid to attack during the part where he was supposed to fucking blast him.  Before the fight can continue, Vegeta decides to pause the whole shebang for three hours to allow Goku to show up, finding it amusing that Krillin, Piccolo and Gohan have so much faith in such a low level Saiyan. To keep himself occupied, Nappa destroys the news crew that was reporting on the battle, and then decides to fly around and ass rape the WORLD’s military,  destroying naval fleets and air craft forces. After that, just for fun, he destroyed an entire city with his “Exploding Wave” technique.  Basically he went Nathan Jones on shit.

The resemblance is UNCANNY!

After three hours have passed, Goku was still a no-show and the fight resumes.  Nappa takes off his armor and goes Nathan Jones mode. Piccolo devises a plan that involves him grabbing Nappa’s tail to weaken him, but he may as well have been giving Nappa a reach around. Nappa then throws a vicious elbow muy thai style to Piccolo’s head, knocking him out.

I could go a hundred different directions with this picture... I won't though.

Finally after much ass kicking on Nappa’s part, Goku arrives. Nappa claims Goku would not have a chance of beating him, and even after Vegeta reads his power level (IT’S OVER 9000!!!) and breaks his fucking scouter in frustration. Nappa says “Fuck it!” and attacks Goku anyway.  Long story short, Nappa tries Gohan and Goku raises up with his Kaio-Ken and stops Nappa by breaking bruvs back.

PWNED! And look at Krillin and Gohan in the back there. They can't even BELIEVE that shit just happened!

Then Goku picks him up and throws him at Vegetas feet.  Having just had his ass whipped, Nappa begs for Vegeta to help him get up, and Vegeta reaches for his hand, pretending to help him.  Vegeta grabs his hand, labels him useless since he can’t move (broke fucking back and all) and throws him into the air like a rag doll.  Vegeta says “FUCK THE BULLSHIT” and throws an attack called the “Galaxy Breaker” to obliterate him.  Upon entering the Afterlife, he joins Raditz after being sent to Hell by King Yemma.

BOOM! Did you see that?!?! RUTHLESS! DO NOT FUCK WITH VEGETA!!! (Unless you are an Android (more on that in part 2), or Bojack, or Brolly, or… aaaahhh… nevermind.)

Pt. 1 Conclusion

So, I decided to split this up because a.) Dragon Ball Z is long as hell and just this first half of the posting is already HUGE, b.) the later sagas are even fucking LONGER and require a bit more explanation,  c.) I haven’t posted in a minute and it’s about time I do, and d.) it’s my blog and I can.  Thank you…

(Part 2 is already well under way.  No worries!)