Stock photos are a collection of photographs that are often used by companies who are too damn cheap to hire a photographer. Some you have to pay to use and some are offered “royalty free”, meaning you don’t have to pay for them at all. They are often produced in studios using models and they usually depict blatant stereotypes and they are almost ALWAYS fucking LAME. Now, with that being said I actually work online for a living and I have to say I see these things on a constant basis. Here are some of the more common ones you’ll run into.
The Customer Service Agent
I’m going to start with the old cliché “Customer Service” agent stock photos. Let’s take a look at this picture up there and point out a few things. First, this lady could NOT be a Customer Service Rep because she is entirely too fucking happy. When was the last time you came across a friendly, polite, CSR with a smile so big you could hear it over the phone? Chances are you can’t remember. I have been in the Customer Service industry for upwards of 11 years including being on the phones in a call center, managing a call center, Training and Development, Support… If someone is this happy on the phone chances are they are brand fucking new or today is their last day.
Also, her complexion is ALL WRONG. She isn’t pasty from lack of being in the sun due to working long hours INSIDE, has no visible acne, her teeth are fucking WHITE (which is impossible because coffee is the LIFE BLOOD of any call center and we all know what wonders that does for the color of your teeth). I would also GUARANTEE that she has perfect fucking posture.
Let me just point something else out here. Why the hell do all of those “Customer Service” stock photos depict the person holding the ear piece or mouth piece? For example, this:
And the fuck this:
It’s wrong. NO ONE HOLDS THEIR PHONE LIKE THIS. NO ONE. Please stock photo creators, STOP DOING THIS.
The Successful Business Team
Ah, yes. Go to most any corporate or business website and you will see the old “Business Team” stock photo. This photo is supposed to depict a team of professionals who are successful, depict joy at knowing they are successful, and are in some cases attractive. Now, I don’t know what company was used to “cast” the above picture but when they put the ad out for casting it more than likely included the words “blonde” and “white”. In addition, I would not feel comfortable shaking that woman’s hand with that look on her face. That look, coupled with all of the smiling folks there in the background, makes me feel like if I did shake her hand, I would be forfeiting my soul.
Back to subject of racial diversity:
This isn’t “ethnically diverse” per se, but it IS the complete other end of the spectrum. This dude looks like a tech savvy pimp displaying his “stable of hoes” (notice he even has a “mangina” in his stable) to a potential customer via his laptop. Successful business team indeed. Ahem, let’s move on.
WHO casted for this one? Because they need to be fired. It’s diverse in both ethnicity AND age but I’ve seen more effort put into a “GO TEAM” hand stack at a quadriplegic baseball game. And what the fuck is up with the Ron Burgundy/Cotton Eyed Joe hybrid in the back there? That dude is looking at BOTH ladies AND the camera AT THE SAME TIME. Again, moving on:
Here we have the “You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out” business team. You want to join their team? A beatin’ is the only way in. And finally:
This is probably the most accurate “business team” photo EVER.
The Handshake is usually used to indicate some sort of deal has been made. You got a job, you closed a business deal, made a sale… whatever. Some important shit went down, and it was concluded with a firm handshake. There are many variations on it:
The “Thank You For Your Soul”. And:
The “Soloist”. And there’s also:
The “Socially Awkward Guys” handshake. This is probably the most awkward handshake that has ever occurred. I feel awkward looking at this. And dude on the left looks like he has a perspiration problem and smells, and guy on the right is trying to keep his distance. Finally, we have:
The “Nordic Elven She-Demon”. This picture is terrifying. DO NOT LOOK HER IN THE EYES!
As you can see, no matter what form the “Handshake” photo takes, you know some important shit just went down.
The Thumbs Up
The “Thumbs Up” is another commonly used stock photo to indicate, as Borat would say, SUCCESS! It also comes in many different lame varieties.
The “Two Gun Kid”. There’s:
The “Holy FUCK That Dude Is Creepy” thumbs up. Also see:
The “Vegetation Agrees” thumbs up. Finally:
The “You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out” thumbs up. Which confirms how knocked out you were even more so than the “Successful Business Team” stock photo.
This isn’t currently, but should from here on out be, the DEFAULT stock photo for Pauly D. I’ll end this posting on that note.