The Biggest Dick Moves in Dragon Ball Z (and GT For That Matter)…Pt. 1

Ep. Ic.

Look at this picture and absorb what you see.  These guys just look fucking bad ass (save for Trunks there in the lower right corner, who looks like he’s posing for a Calvin Klein ad or something).  Now, think back on your childhood and remember the cartoons you used to watch (if you’re my age or older) and how utterly AWESOME 80’s and early 90’s cartoons were (or how awesome they SEEMED to be).  I’ll give you a nice bullet list of the cartoons I used to watch in no particular order:

  • He Man
  • G.I. Joe
  • Transformers
  • Go-Bots (I know they were a Transformers rip-offs)
  • Thundercats
  • Silverhawks
  • Tigersharks
  • Dinoriders
  • Dinosaucers
  • M.A.S.K.
  • Centurions
  • Voltron
  • Captain N
  • Super Mario Bros./Zelda (on Fridays)
  • Ninja Turtles
  • Captain FUCKING Power!!!

    Epic? Yes. Would they have a snowball's chance in Hell? No.

That’s just a FEW of the many MANY cartoons I used to watch.  There are others that I will NOT mention here ::cough Gummi Bears cough::  But anyway, you could take EVERY cartoon character in EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cartoons and put them all together into one giant awesome universe destroying series of awesomeness and pit them against Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Trunks… just those 4… and they would all fucking lose HORRIBLY.

The characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT were so galaxy destroying fuck powerful that you would need a task force consisting of Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Juggernaut, Thor, Martian Man Hunter, Sentry, and probably GOD to even have a snowball’s chance in hell at competing with the characters in this show.  It seemed like every progressive saga in the series(es) had a foe that was 100x stronger than the foe before it and as a result the heroes got even stronger.  Hell, at the end of Dragon Ball GT (the end of the Dragon Ball story itself) Omega Shenron and both Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Vegeta (and eventually Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta) were strong enough to destroy entire GALAXIES if they wanted to.  They had that kind of power.

The Dragon Ball series, as epic as it was, was not without it’s “dick moves”, however.  You know what a “dick move” is; it’s when someone does something so wrong, so out of place, so fucked up, that the only thing you can say or think at that point in time is, “that was a fucking DICK move!”  And that is what this posting is going to cover; the biggest “Dick Moves” in the Dragon Ball Z/GT series.  I’m not going to cover Dragon Ball because, well, those characters didn’t have the epic power that the characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT had and, even though it was a fantastic series, and the beginning of the whole thing, it just doesn’t have that WOW! effect that the last two series had.  I’m also NOT going to cover the movies because I plan on touching on them in another posting (plus, half of this list would consist of shit that Broly did so I’ll save that for another time).  So, with that said, I’m going to go in chronological order here and go from the Saiyan Saga to the Shadow Dragon Saga at the end of Dragon Ball GT. So, without further ado, here we go!

1. Raditz Threatens to Kill Gohan if Goku Doesn’t Kill 100 Humans

I don't know where this came from, but for some reason Raditz reminds me of Zak Bagans in this picture. Zak Bagans choking up a kid.

If you watched the Dragon Ball series, you know that Goku landed on planet Earth as a child and went on many an adventure with Bulma trying to locate the Dragon Balls.  What you didn’t know at that time (at least until Dragon Ball Z) was that Goku was actually sent to Earth to destroy it and we learn all of this from Goku’s dear brother, Raditz after he too crash lands on Earth.  Cue meeting with Goku and let the trash talking commence.  Raditz also had the courtesy to give Goku an interesting history lesson.  He indicated that the Saiyans original home planet, Planet Vegeta, was obliterated by an asteroid (which you also find out later during the Frieza saga is complete bullshit) some twenty years earlier, and that there are only four Saiyans left in the universe, including Goku himself.

Well, naturally, since they are 2 of the remaining (supposedly) 4 Saiyans left in the entire universe, they have to stick together, right?  And what are Saiyans good at?  Death and destruction! If races of people were music styles, Saiyans would be fucking Death Metal!  And just maybe these two long lost brothers can catch up a bit on the ride, shoot the shit and have some laughs, you know?  So it is at this point Raditz tells Goku he’s in the gang whether he wants to be or not.  Goku doesnt want though and refuses, pretty much telling Raditz not to hold his Goddamn breath.  Now, I’m pretty sure at this point Raditz was probably saying to himself, “I could lay a massive ass whipping on this dude at any point of my choosing and still you could rebuild my spaceship 1000 times over with all of the fucks he couldn’t give. I have to find another way to convince him”.  This is when he happens to notice Gohan.  Raditz, ever the opportunist, concocts a plan and proposes an ultimatum for Goku; he will kill Gohan unless Goku kills one hundred humans within twenty-four hours. Then he flies off with Gohan.  And there wasn’t a damn thing Goku could do about it. How’s that for a gang initiation?

2. Piccolo Leaves Gohan in the Wilderness for 6 Months

If you are even reading this article, you have obviously watched Dragon Ball Z.  So, you know Goku and Piccolo teamed up and went at Raditz together.  After all was said and done, Piccolo lost an arm, Gohan revealed he had some sort of hidden power by busting out of Raditz’s space pod and destroying his whole chest plate with the mother of all flying headbutts.  With Raditz reeling, Goku goes street and bum rushes him into a full nelson so that Piccolo could take care of bidness with a well aimed Special Beam Cannon.  Boo yah, ladies and gentlemen.  Game over.  As Raditz was dying he revealed that his scouter (the green eyepiece he wore to detect power signatures) also acted as a homing beacon and he just used it to tell on EARTH!  Two Saiyans even more powerful than himself would be on their way shortly to clean house and they were all pretty much fucked.  Piccolo wasn’t trying to hear that and delivers the death blow to Raditz.   Meanwhile, the rest of the gang arrives and witnesses Goku die and his body vanish.

He would be WISHING for death if this happened about a foot lower...

NOTHING about this picture looks right...

Piccolo decides that if Death himself was coming to Earth to claim names, he wasn’t going to give his up without attempting to punch some damn faces first.  So he regrows his fucking arm like a boss and tells everyone that if they are going to have any chance against the two stronger Saiyans that they need to get their asses in gear and TRAIN.  Having just witnessed Gohan unleash a headbutt that was the cranial equivalent to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, Piccolo decides he is going to train him and grabs the unconscious child, albeit not without protest from the rest of the gang, but what the hell were they going to do? They just saw a large homicidal green alien who recently killed another homicidal alien who was stronger than him regenerate his own goddamn arm.  What would YOU do?


So what do you think happens next?  An 80’s style training montage where Gohan begins learning martial arts, albeit clumsily at first, until he has a moment of clarity, understands what the art is about and begins to progress at an exponential level unlike any martial artist before him? No.  He gets dropped off in the middle of the wilderness, wakes up, gets smacked around a bit, and told that he has to survive on his own in the goddamn wild for 6 months before he can even BEGIN training.  Leaving a child of about 4 in the middle of nowhere with dinosaurs (yes fucking dinosaurs) wandering around, a few apples to eat and no sense of how to fend for himself makes Piccolo sound like the Casey Anthony of martial arts teachers.  I’ve seen 4 year olds who can’t put whole sentences together, but this one gets dropped off in bum fuck Egypt BEFORE he gets any training.  My 3 year old (who will be 4 in January, close enough) would be running around trying to cut his hair with sharp rocks and eating random shit he picked up on the ground.  Granted, Gohan came out okay, but dropping a 4 year old off in the middle of nowhere for 6 months?  Dick move Piccolo.  Dick move.

3. Vegeta Kills Nappa (IT’S OVER 9,000!!!)

History has had some truly GREAT partnerships.  Batman and Robin.  Starsky and Hutch.  Bo and Luke Duke.  Thelma and Louis.  Vegeta and Nappa.  In EVERY partnership, there is always one half that is the more dominant part;  the alpha to the beta.  In the every single one of the aforementioned duo’s the alpha relied on the assistance of his (or her) partner (beta) to help them through the tough times, the trials and tribulations, the bullshit, if you will.  The street fights with the worst criminals imaginable, jumping over a fucking barn in your orange 69 Dodge Charger, quality control down the assembly line, you know, everyday life.  If one falters, the other is there to help them out.  They have each other’s back.  However, in the case of Saiyans, (as I stated before, they are death metal) you BETTER NOT FUCK UP.  SERIOUSLY.  Sure you can fly around the universe committing genocide all over the place together, but if a Saiyan feels that you are of no more use to them, you get fucking chi blasted in the face to death.  Such was the case with Vegeta and his original partner Nappa.

"We're gonna do it!! Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way!"

Now, a little background on Vegeta and Nappa.  Vegeta was a prince on the Saiyan home planet, which WAS CALLED PLANET VEGETA.   His father’s name was King Vegeta.  I’m almost certain you could go back through the entire Vegeta family tree and every male in the family was probably named Vegeta.  Nappa was the Commander-In-Chief of the entire Saiyan army.  These guys ran shit.  Take a look at that picture up there.  Nappa is gi-goddamn-gantic and Vegeta is one of those little dudes that will fuck your shit up if you mess with him.   You know the type.  Like Bruce Lee.  He was 5’8″ and looked like a wet dog with a suit on.  However, if he took his shirt off and threw them hands up you KNEW the ass whippin’ was coming FAST.  You would immediately regret the decision to screw around with him.

Yeah. You look at this picture and you think to yourself "Aw he doesn't look so tough..."

...Then the shirt comes off and a shredded Chinese man starts making hand trails in your face and you're not even high. Your body IMMEDIATELY goes into one of those "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!" seizures.

Anyway, Nappa and Vegeta come to Earth to a.) search for the Dragon Balls to wish for eternal life b.) destroy EVERYTHING on Earth because that’s what they did, and; c.)make this corner of the Milky Way their bitch.  So, they they get here and meet resistance in the form of Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Yamcha, and the duo of Tien and  Chiaotzu.  Nappa goes on the attack first while Vegeta waits in the background like little dangerous men do.  Nappa begins to decimate the Z fighters one by one. He busts Tien’s arm with a single punch.   Chiaotzu tries to pull a jihad on him by latching on to his back and blowing himself up, which Nappa ignores.  Angry over his best friend’s death, Tien uses the last of his energy to attack Nappa with a Spirit Tri Beam attack, which proves to be in useless becuase he he falls to the ground and dies immediately afterwards while Nappa survived, again with no serious injuries.

The whole time they are fighting, the Z warriors are trying to call on their boy Goku to get there quick fucking fast so he could clean some bad guy house, but to no avail.  The entire time this was going down Piccolo had been devising a plan to destroy Nappa, but Gohan was too afraid to attack during the part where he was supposed to fucking blast him.  Before the fight can continue, Vegeta decides to pause the whole shebang for three hours to allow Goku to show up, finding it amusing that Krillin, Piccolo and Gohan have so much faith in such a low level Saiyan. To keep himself occupied, Nappa destroys the news crew that was reporting on the battle, and then decides to fly around and ass rape the WORLD’s military,  destroying naval fleets and air craft forces. After that, just for fun, he destroyed an entire city with his “Exploding Wave” technique.  Basically he went Nathan Jones on shit.

The resemblance is UNCANNY!

After three hours have passed, Goku was still a no-show and the fight resumes.  Nappa takes off his armor and goes Nathan Jones mode. Piccolo devises a plan that involves him grabbing Nappa’s tail to weaken him, but he may as well have been giving Nappa a reach around. Nappa then throws a vicious elbow muy thai style to Piccolo’s head, knocking him out.

I could go a hundred different directions with this picture... I won't though.

Finally after much ass kicking on Nappa’s part, Goku arrives. Nappa claims Goku would not have a chance of beating him, and even after Vegeta reads his power level (IT’S OVER 9000!!!) and breaks his fucking scouter in frustration. Nappa says “Fuck it!” and attacks Goku anyway.  Long story short, Nappa tries Gohan and Goku raises up with his Kaio-Ken and stops Nappa by breaking bruvs back.

PWNED! And look at Krillin and Gohan in the back there. They can't even BELIEVE that shit just happened!

Then Goku picks him up and throws him at Vegetas feet.  Having just had his ass whipped, Nappa begs for Vegeta to help him get up, and Vegeta reaches for his hand, pretending to help him.  Vegeta grabs his hand, labels him useless since he can’t move (broke fucking back and all) and throws him into the air like a rag doll.  Vegeta says “FUCK THE BULLSHIT” and throws an attack called the “Galaxy Breaker” to obliterate him.  Upon entering the Afterlife, he joins Raditz after being sent to Hell by King Yemma.

BOOM! Did you see that?!?! RUTHLESS! DO NOT FUCK WITH VEGETA!!! (Unless you are an Android (more on that in part 2), or Bojack, or Brolly, or… aaaahhh… nevermind.)

Pt. 1 Conclusion

So, I decided to split this up because a.) Dragon Ball Z is long as hell and just this first half of the posting is already HUGE, b.) the later sagas are even fucking LONGER and require a bit more explanation,  c.) I haven’t posted in a minute and it’s about time I do, and d.) it’s my blog and I can.  Thank you…

(Part 2 is already well under way.  No worries!)

6 Cartoons of Today That Suck HORRIBLY!!!

Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus crept up into this post to let you know that these cartoons suck. 

Here we go again.  More cartoon discussion.   However, this time it’s going to be a list of a few different cartoons that represent the extreme lack of awesome that cartoons today suffer from.  I’ve done a review of the cartoon Max and Ruby already so if you want to see what that was about click the handy URL disguised as regular words earlier in this sentence.  It sucked when I wrote that review and it still sucks today.  Feel free to imagine it somewhere in this list.  You can put it anywhere you want EXCEPT for the top spot because that is reserved for the WORST cartoon on TV today, and you will see which one that is by continuing to read.

6.  Team Umizoomi

“Yeah, we just made the suck list!”

Team Umizoomi is a cartoon series airing on Nick Jr., usually around 10 a.m. in my city, which is about the time I’m just waking up with my children.  And it absolutely SUCKS waking up to this.  Team Umizoomi live in a city conveniently called, what else, Umi City and is made up of three characters: Geo, Bot and Milli.

Milli – A 6 year old little girl, I… guess?  Her special abilities are related to math, more specifically patterns and measuring.  She can change her dress to match any pattern and then project that pattern by singing “Pattern Power”.  Her ponytails can also be used to measure things by singing “Milli-Measure”.  I don’t know of any 6 year old girls who are 6 inches tall and can do any of the things she does.

Geo – Milli’s 5 year old brother.  His abilities are also related to math, specifically shapes.  Geo wears a special belt that can create pretty much any-damn-thing he wants by pulling the necessary shapes off of his belt, assembling those shapes accordingly, and then singing “Super Shapes”.  He usually uses these shapes to make vehicles to assist the team in their quest i.e. submarines, airplanes, cars, etc. Probably the only thing remotely awesome about this show.  However, the fact he wears skates on his feet at all times kind of nulls the cool factor of the vehicle building ability.

Bot – Milli and Geo’s robot friend (whose voice you may recognize as Donovan Patton, the guy who played “Joe” on Blues Clues).  Being a robot, he has the ability to extend his arms and legs by saying “Arms Extendo” or “Legs Extendo”.  Kind of like Inspector Gadget but more lame.  He has a small satellite called the “Umi Alarm” on his head that kind of looks like a robot side pony tail and allows him to receive calls.  Calls are projected onto a screen on the front of his body called a “Belly Belly Belly Screen” that allows the team to view videos and pictures as well as have a video conference with someone who needs their help.   I’m assuming everyone in Umi City has some sort of video conferencing center that allows them to get in touch with Team Umi Zoomi because how the hell else would they do it?  They seem to be speaking into air when they are talking to the team.  He also has a storage compartment on the back of his body, called a “Bot-O-Mat”, which conveniently has whatever the team happens to need to complete their mission.

Now, I’m going to go ahead and post some of lyrics to the theme song where the characters introduce themselves:


“I’m Milli!
I can make any pattern with my dress!
Pattern of  – BUTTERFLIES!


“Im Geo!
I can build anything with my shapes!
Triangle. Oval.

(Note: Geo built a sail board with the triangle and the oval. Random.)


“I’m Bot!
I can show you anything on my belly belly belly screen.
Skyscraper.  Taxi.  TRAAAFFIC LIIIGHT!!” 

(Note: Of all the things he could have shown on his “belly belly belly screen”, he shows a skyscraper, a taxi… and a traffic light.  Why the hell?)

So, yeah.  It STARTS OFF BAD WITH THE THEME SONG.   And let’s get back to Bot for a minute.  What gave the writers the idea that any of the three things he shows on his “belly belly belly screen” interests children in the LEAST?   Was one of the writers thinking about wanting to go the hell home because he was over working on this stupid cartoon?  I can see maybe the skyscraper interesting a kid because it’s tall, but a taxi and a freakin’ traffic light?  And he gets this whole serious raspy thing going when he’s saying traffic light.  Traffic lights aren’t anywhere near interesting enough to warrant any level of seriousness when introducing it on your “belly belly belly screen”.  Also, he looks a lot like the Android logo.

To give the show a level of interactivity with it’s preschool audience, the viewer is included in the show as “Umifriend” to help solve problems presented in the episodes.  They introduce the viewer as “Umifriend” in every episode, instead of saying something like, you know, “Welcome back Umifriend!”.  If kids new any better they would be offended by this because the characters in the show don’t remember them even though they watch the show every damn day.  “But it’s just a show!” you say?  Well, so was “Friends” and half of the female population of Earth went out and got their hair did like Jennifer Aniston.  Kids take this show just as seriously.

5.  Johnny Test

Johnny, his dog Dukey, and his Ginger twin sisters. Further proof that Gingers don’t have souls.

First, let me say the the show’s name references another cartoon, namely Johnny QUEST, that is way to damn good to even be associated with this wad of shit.  This cartoon seriously annoys me.  Basically, the show is about  an 11 year old boy named Johnny Test, who lives up to his name by usually being the lab rat for his 13-year old genius/scientist/demented twin sisters, Susan and Mary, and their experiments.  He also has a talking dog named Dukey, who received his human like intellect and the ability to speak courtesy of an experiment conducted by the nazi scientist sisters.  And, yes, his dog is named after shit because what else do dogs do but eat, shit and sleep?  They couldn’t name him eat or sleep because that just doesn’t make sense.  Oh, and they live in a town called Porkbelly.  Given that the show is American/Canadian, it goes to show that North America fucking loves bacon.

Courage wolf knows about that BACON!

The series has two main antagonists for Johnny.  His original nemesis is a kid named Bling-Bling Boy.  He was born Eugene Hamilton, but he decided at some point “fuck, that name really sucks” so he changed it, which was a good call.   Bling-Bling Boy was a schoolmate of Johnny’s; However, he was expelled after an incident in which one of his teachers ended up with a metal claw for a hand. Keep an eye out because Cash Money Records will probably be giving Bling-Bling Boy a record deal at some point in the future.  In later seasons, a new villan by the name of Dark Vegan, lord of planet Vegandon, was introduced.  Vegandon sounds like the name of a lame herbivore dinosaur with no friends and being that he’s a Vegan, all you’d have to do to beat this guy is throw a fur coat over his head, beat him with a steak, and then kick him with your leather shoes when he’s down.  Problem solved.

This show does not present a good example for children either.  Johnny is disrespectful towards his parents.  He apparently has ADHD.  He openly hates school and does not work hard at all or apply himself in any manner.  As a matter of fact, he does everything he can to AVOID doing work.  He likes to dick around and mess with his sisters’ inventions, causing all sorts of shit and mayhem.  He also has a knack for getting what he wants through deceit, blackmail and manipulation, qualities every child needs to learn from a very young age.

Thankfully, my kids don’t watch this show all that often because they know about my serious dislike for it.  THEY are the real geniuses.

4. Oobi

So, Oobi is a hand puppet with eyes. Yes, a hand puppet with eyes.  And, the first time I saw this show, I was literally like “The.. fuck?!?”  I said that.  For the first 5 minutes straight.  This show was probably created by some guys who got together, got really high one night, started making hand puppets at each other and decided it was so funny.   Sooooo, logically, let’s made a show out of it!  It had to be for kids though because no adult in their right mind could take a show about hand puppets seriously.  It’s not NEARLY as funny as it would be if you were high off your ass.  Look at that thing. It’s actually pretty fucking creepy.  ANYONE could have created this show and it actually frustrates me that this shit is on TV.  In what UNIVERSE would this show be entertaining? Are they really hurting for children’s shows that badly that they said “fuck it, we’ll air a show about hand puppets”?

The way this whole hand puppets thing works is thumbs are used to represent the character’s mouth movements, as well as doubling as hands.  I’m assuming the from the wrist down is 1 big fucking leg because it just bounces along.  The fingers clench, twitch and make other movements to indicate emotion and the hands are pretty much used like regular hands.  They do things such as holding objects, grabbing things, and turning doorknobs.  I wonder if they would get drunk off of hand sanitizer…

Anyway, the characters in the show are Oobi, Uma,who is Oobi’s sister, Kako, Oobi’s best friend, and Grampu, who is quite obviously Oobie’s grandfather and also whose name sounds like it would be the Japanese word for Grandpa.  There’s like a million and a half sub characters that I won’t even begin to list here, and EVERY character speaks like they have severe head injury.  Even the adults in the show.  For example, if Oobi was going to tell Kaku he had to go take a piss, instead of “Hey, Kaku, I have to go take a piss.  I’ll be right back”, it would be more like “Kaku, Oobi, Piss, Back, Soon”.  Now how in Hades is that supposed to teach kids ANYTHING?  A hand puppet that speaks in broken English… CLEARLY points to the people who created it being high.  And the fact that it’s only shown at 12:00am and 12:30am indicates they never really had any intention of kids learning from it in the first place.  WHAT KID IS UP AT THAT TIME?!?!

I really question Nickelodeons decision to run this show.

3. Fanboy and Chum Chum

Fuck. This. Show.

First, let me direct you to the user reviews for this show on the IMDB website.  Go ahead and click that.  Read the reviews.

Back? Good. Okay, that will tell you just how bad this show is.  This show is so stupid your IQ will fall 5 points with every episode you watch.  The theme song?  FUCK THIS THEME SONG.  In an alternate universe, this theme song destroyed The Mae Shi’s career and they were banished from fucking EARTH.  Everything about this show is an abomination of TV.  I considered putting this show in the #1 spot, but I decided that it’s not good enough to make #1 EVEN ON A WORST SHOWS LIST.  It doesn’t even warrant a full on review.  That’s all i’m saying about this show.

2. Go, Diego, Go!

How they’ve gotten away with this for this long, I have no idea.

So, now we’ve reached # 2.  Numero dos.  And, boy, is it a doozy.  Go, Diego, Go! is a spin-off of Dora the Explorer that airs on Nickelodeon.  He is Dora’s younger cousin and his main focus is to help animals in danger, mainly in the Amazon Rainforest.  Hmm, let’s see… a kid of about 6 or 7 running around the Amazon assisting animals, sometimes very dangerous animals, BY HIMSELF.   He’s pudgy looking as hell and sort of has a messy jungle fro thing going He also has a pet jaguar creatively named “Baby Jaguar” that can talk.  Well, on his show it can talk, but on Dora’s show it can’t.  HA! I mean come on, you can’t have a talking purple monkey who wears shiny red boots AND a talking baby jaguar on the same show!  That’s just not plausible.  Well, thinking about it, NOTHING about his show is plausible .

He has a camera named “Click” that is voiced by Rosey Perez with probably the most annoying fucking character voice over AND theme song (just listen to that crap) in the entire history of cartoons and a backpack called “Rescue Pack” that can magically transform into any Goddamn thing he wants it to with a fucking Salsa theme song.  Need a mountain bike?  Rescue Pack will first transform into a single prop airplane, then a pogo stick and finally a mountain bike, and then ask you which one you need, even though you’ve asked for a mountain bike in the first place.  Mountain bike you say? Again? Then it decides it will transform into a fucking mountain bike.  And it will do it to a Salsa soundtrack.  Need a raft?  Throw Rescue Pack into the Goddamn river and it will transform into a parachute, a grappling hook and THEN magically transform into a raft WITH oars while you almost drown.  Bullshit.  Come on.  Some kid is going to throw their backpack on the ground at some point and start screaming “RESCUE PACK, COME TO THE RESCUE! I NEED AN ATV!” and then they get eaten by a fuckin Grizzly Bear while they pretend it’s turning into 5 different things BEFORE turning into the ATV that they asked for.  No. Just no.

Diego also has an older sister named Alicia who helps him on his adventures.  She’s also sort of a caretaker for the animals that come into their rescue center for help, kind of like an animal rehab.  And though she is described to be around 10 years old, she is often seen performing tasks (like driving a fucking car) that could only be done by someone that is older.  I don’t know what the legal driving age is where they live in the Amazon, but I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.

The antagonists of the show are usually two spider monkeys called the Bobo Brothers.  Diego can basically get the Bobo Brothers to cut their shit by getting the audience to help him yell “Freeze, Bobos!”  Apparently, the shows description says that they don’t purposely cause Diego trouble and they usually apologize after doing so.  It’s like someone robbing a bank, an innocent bystander yelling “stop, don’t rob that bank!” and the perp saying “oh yeah, I forgot.  I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry”.  And he just drops his gun and gives up.  It doesn’t work that way in real life.

The animals themselves are all mostly drawn in a semi realistic fashion, which is sort of ridiculous, because they talk.  It’s almost like watching a nature show on LSD.  I know.  It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.  And the artwork on these animals looks just as ridiculous sometimes.  Nothing about this show is legit, so they really should take some liberties with the animal design as IT’S A CARTOON!

And with that we come to #1…

1. Dora the Explorer

A purple monkey with a flamboyant haircut wearing shiny red boots. Can you say “FABULOUS!!”

So, here we are at #1 and if you had any sort of clue, you probably have guessed that Dora the Explorer was #1.  I don’t really have to give much of an explanation for the show because I’m sure pretty much everyone and the bacteria in their digestive system knows this cartoon.  You have a little Latina girl named Dora (whose head bears an uncanny resemblance to a penis and if you stare into her eyes for a minute or so you really notice how creepy looking they are) and her boot wearing sidekick of a monkey, Boots.  You have the antagonist of the cartoon, Swiper the Fox, who runs around trying to fuck up their game by stealing shit.  He doesn’t run with it though.  He usually just throws whatever he grabbed up into a tree or into some bushes or something and takes off.  Basically, he’s not really a thief, just a really big prick.  They are able to stop him 90% of the time by yelling “Swiper, no swiping!”,  to which he stops, snaps his fingers, says “OH MAN!” and bounds off to find some other shit to half steal.   She has a few friends, including a squirrel name Tico, who is able to operate vehicles of all kinds, Isa the Iguana, and Benny the Bull.  But there is a good chance you already knew all of this.  Moving on.

Now, on of my biggest issues with this cartoon (aside from everything) is the fact that  EVERY PLACE on freaking EARTH is accessible within a days time.  Seriously.  Dora has circumnavigated the globe all before night fall in a single episode.  The pyramids of Egypt are within sight of the Eiffel Tower according to this cartoon.  They are just over a hill.  Want to go to Machu Picchu?  Walk about 6 steps from the “Gooey Geyser”.  Or better yet, just jump on the pink splooge spewed up by the Gooey Geyser and let it launch you over there.  Because on Dora’s version of Earth you can.  You can also make it to the Great Wall of China from Mexico in three steps according to her “Map”.  You just have to go through the Butterfly Forest, cross the Troll Bridge and you are there.  By the way, “Map” lives in Dora’s backpack and can only be summoned by Dora yelling “MAP” with the help of the audience of course.  When he is summoned, he has a song where he repeats “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map” over and over again until your ears bleed.  Backpack is also a living entity and has his own “Backpack” song as well, which is worse than the Salsa number Diego’s Rescue Pack does, if that’s possible.  Apparently, Backpack was preloaded with shit Dora predicted she would need that day, along with shit she doesn’t need like a water gun, a cheese wheel, and a pencil sharpener.  Instead of changing into the aforementioned objects like Diego’s “Rescue Pack” before it gives her what she wants, it just juggles the items in a circle until the audience can figure out what Dora needs to complete whatever task she is working on.  Dora is bilingual, appears to be an experienced world traveler, knows Santa Claus, some mermaids and a gas pump named “Gassy”, but she needs help from children ages 2-5 figuring out that she needs an umbrella from her backpack to avoid rain.  It’s a wonder how she get’s by.  Anyway, this will not help children further down the line in their Geography classes because they will have learned from Dora that you can get from China to the Parthenon in Greece in about 5 minutes by bicycle.

Now, as if 1 Dora series wasn’t enough, we have a new series: Dora’s Explorer Girls.  Basically, this is about Dora as a Shakira loving pre-teen and her friends Naiya, Kate, Emma, and Alana who call themselves “The Explorer Girls”.  Apparently, a lot of moms were asking Nick and Mattel to create a way for young girls past the preschool age to continue to grow with Dora, since children lose interest in Dora once they are able to actually walk away from the TV.  At the behest of mom’s everywhere, a new, more mature Dora that preteen girls can relate to was developed.  AAAAAAND it almost backfired.  There was a ton of controversy over the new Dora; so much so, the Mattel and Nickelodeon released a joint statement on the issue. Whoops. Anyway, the new Dora lives in the city and is all “Nancy Drew” like, solving mysteries like “how to plant trees” or “how to clean up a beach” and doing things like “making a difference” in their community.  Yeah, this will capture the hearts and minds of preteen girls EVERYWHERE.  Forget lip gloss and style, girls these days want to go plant trees and pick up dirty hypodermic needles off of the beach.

Now that Dora is older and has new friends, I’m assuming Boots has been relegated to “Style Consultant”. FABULOUS!

I know you are probably saying to yourself “But, Sean, Dora is so popular! She is one of Nickelodeons biggest properties! She is beloved by children all over the world! She is on everything from clothing, to backpacks, to tooth brushes!”  You know what? Well fuck all, I don’t care.  That’s part of the reason WHY she made it to the top spot.


So, there you have it.  6 cartoons that I think absolutely suck.  Of course, it’s all a matter of opinion and this article happens to list a few of mine.  You may or may not like these cartoons.  I don’t.  I grew up watching shit that just wreaked of awesome: GI Joe, Thundercats, Transformers, M.A.S.K., He-Man, Johnny Quest, DINO RIDERS…

No witty caption needed. It speaks for itself.

These cartoons just took you on an adventure and didn’t really try to teach you anything.  They were fodder for the imagination.  They didn’t try to teach you Spanish or what a rhombus is, they made you know that you wanted the Sword of Omens something FIERCE, or you wanted a car that could transform into a jet or a giant robot friend, you wanted to ride on the back of a fucking T-Rex that had laser cannons and you wanted to be able to yell “I HAVE THE POWER!” into the air and have a fucking beam of power transform you into a hulking barbarian that could stop massive amounts of dicks.  THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT!  The cartoons today want to teach kids things, and if you read anything in the above paragraphs, you can see that it fails at it pretty badly.  I say, get back to cartoons that just feed the imagination.  Cartoons are supposed to be an escape from the world of learning and chores and responsibility.  Leave the learning to school.