6 Cartoons of Today That Suck HORRIBLY!!!Posted: August 7, 2011
Here we go again. More cartoon discussion. However, this time it’s going to be a list of a few different cartoons that represent the extreme lack of awesome that cartoons today suffer from. I’ve done a review of the cartoon Max and Ruby already so if you want to see what that was about click the handy URL disguised as regular words earlier in this sentence. It sucked when I wrote that review and it still sucks today. Feel free to imagine it somewhere in this list. You can put it anywhere you want EXCEPT for the top spot because that is reserved for the WORST cartoon on TV today, and you will see which one that is by continuing to read.
6. Team Umizoomi
Team Umizoomi is a cartoon series airing on Nick Jr., usually around 10 a.m. in my city, which is about the time I’m just waking up with my children. And it absolutely SUCKS waking up to this. Team Umizoomi live in a city conveniently called, what else, Umi City and is made up of three characters: Geo, Bot and Milli.
Milli – A 6 year old little girl, I… guess? Her special abilities are related to math, more specifically patterns and measuring. She can change her dress to match any pattern and then project that pattern by singing “Pattern Power”. Her ponytails can also be used to measure things by singing “Milli-Measure”. I don’t know of any 6 year old girls who are 6 inches tall and can do any of the things she does.
Geo – Milli’s 5 year old brother. His abilities are also related to math, specifically shapes. Geo wears a special belt that can create pretty much any-damn-thing he wants by pulling the necessary shapes off of his belt, assembling those shapes accordingly, and then singing “Super Shapes”. He usually uses these shapes to make vehicles to assist the team in their quest i.e. submarines, airplanes, cars, etc. Probably the only thing remotely awesome about this show. However, the fact he wears skates on his feet at all times kind of nulls the cool factor of the vehicle building ability.
Bot – Milli and Geo’s robot friend (whose voice you may recognize as Donovan Patton, the guy who played “Joe” on Blues Clues). Being a robot, he has the ability to extend his arms and legs by saying “Arms Extendo” or “Legs Extendo”. Kind of like Inspector Gadget but more lame. He has a small satellite called the “Umi Alarm” on his head that kind of looks like a robot side pony tail and allows him to receive calls. Calls are projected onto a screen on the front of his body called a “Belly Belly Belly Screen” that allows the team to view videos and pictures as well as have a video conference with someone who needs their help. I’m assuming everyone in Umi City has some sort of video conferencing center that allows them to get in touch with Team Umi Zoomi because how the hell else would they do it? They seem to be speaking into air when they are talking to the team. He also has a storage compartment on the back of his body, called a “Bot-O-Mat”, which conveniently has whatever the team happens to need to complete their mission.
Now, I’m going to go ahead and post some of lyrics to the theme song where the characters introduce themselves:
I can make any pattern with my dress!
Pattern of – BUTTERFLIES!
I can build anything with my shapes!
(Note: Geo built a sail board with the triangle and the oval. Random.)
I can show you anything on my belly belly belly screen.
Skyscraper. Taxi. TRAAAFFIC LIIIGHT!!”
(Note: Of all the things he could have shown on his “belly belly belly screen”, he shows a skyscraper, a taxi… and a traffic light. Why the hell?)
So, yeah. It STARTS OFF BAD WITH THE THEME SONG. And let’s get back to Bot for a minute. What gave the writers the idea that any of the three things he shows on his “belly belly belly screen” interests children in the LEAST? Was one of the writers thinking about wanting to go the hell home because he was over working on this stupid cartoon? I can see maybe the skyscraper interesting a kid because it’s tall, but a taxi and a freakin’ traffic light? And he gets this whole serious raspy thing going when he’s saying traffic light. Traffic lights aren’t anywhere near interesting enough to warrant any level of seriousness when introducing it on your “belly belly belly screen”. Also, he looks a lot like the Android logo.
To give the show a level of interactivity with it’s preschool audience, the viewer is included in the show as “Umifriend” to help solve problems presented in the episodes. They introduce the viewer as “Umifriend” in every episode, instead of saying something like, you know, “Welcome back Umifriend!”. If kids new any better they would be offended by this because the characters in the show don’t remember them even though they watch the show every damn day. “But it’s just a show!” you say? Well, so was “Friends” and half of the female population of Earth went out and got their hair did like Jennifer Aniston. Kids take this show just as seriously.
5. Johnny Test
First, let me say the the show’s name references another cartoon, namely Johnny QUEST, that is way to damn good to even be associated with this wad of shit. This cartoon seriously annoys me. Basically, the show is about an 11 year old boy named Johnny Test, who lives up to his name by usually being the lab rat for his 13-year old genius/scientist/demented twin sisters, Susan and Mary, and their experiments. He also has a talking dog named Dukey, who received his human like intellect and the ability to speak courtesy of an experiment conducted by the nazi scientist sisters. And, yes, his dog is named after shit because what else do dogs do but eat, shit and sleep? They couldn’t name him eat or sleep because that just doesn’t make sense. Oh, and they live in a town called Porkbelly. Given that the show is American/Canadian, it goes to show that North America fucking loves bacon.
The series has two main antagonists for Johnny. His original nemesis is a kid named Bling-Bling Boy. He was born Eugene Hamilton, but he decided at some point “fuck, that name really sucks” so he changed it, which was a good call. Bling-Bling Boy was a schoolmate of Johnny’s; However, he was expelled after an incident in which one of his teachers ended up with a metal claw for a hand. Keep an eye out because Cash Money Records will probably be giving Bling-Bling Boy a record deal at some point in the future. In later seasons, a new villan by the name of Dark Vegan, lord of planet Vegandon, was introduced. Vegandon sounds like the name of a lame herbivore dinosaur with no friends and being that he’s a Vegan, all you’d have to do to beat this guy is throw a fur coat over his head, beat him with a steak, and then kick him with your leather shoes when he’s down. Problem solved.
This show does not present a good example for children either. Johnny is disrespectful towards his parents. He apparently has ADHD. He openly hates school and does not work hard at all or apply himself in any manner. As a matter of fact, he does everything he can to AVOID doing work. He likes to dick around and mess with his sisters’ inventions, causing all sorts of shit and mayhem. He also has a knack for getting what he wants through deceit, blackmail and manipulation, qualities every child needs to learn from a very young age.
Thankfully, my kids don’t watch this show all that often because they know about my serious dislike for it. THEY are the real geniuses.
So, Oobi is a hand puppet with eyes. Yes, a hand puppet with eyes. And, the first time I saw this show, I was literally like “The.. fuck?!?” I said that. For the first 5 minutes straight. This show was probably created by some guys who got together, got really high one night, started making hand puppets at each other and decided it was so funny. Sooooo, logically, let’s made a show out of it! It had to be for kids though because no adult in their right mind could take a show about hand puppets seriously. It’s not NEARLY as funny as it would be if you were high off your ass. Look at that thing. It’s actually pretty fucking creepy. ANYONE could have created this show and it actually frustrates me that this shit is on TV. In what UNIVERSE would this show be entertaining? Are they really hurting for children’s shows that badly that they said “fuck it, we’ll air a show about hand puppets”?
The way this whole hand puppets thing works is thumbs are used to represent the character’s mouth movements, as well as doubling as hands. I’m assuming the from the wrist down is 1 big fucking leg because it just bounces along. The fingers clench, twitch and make other movements to indicate emotion and the hands are pretty much used like regular hands. They do things such as holding objects, grabbing things, and turning doorknobs. I wonder if they would get drunk off of hand sanitizer…
Anyway, the characters in the show are Oobi, Uma,who is Oobi’s sister, Kako, Oobi’s best friend, and Grampu, who is quite obviously Oobie’s grandfather and also whose name sounds like it would be the Japanese word for Grandpa. There’s like a million and a half sub characters that I won’t even begin to list here, and EVERY character speaks like they have severe head injury. Even the adults in the show. For example, if Oobi was going to tell Kaku he had to go take a piss, instead of “Hey, Kaku, I have to go take a piss. I’ll be right back”, it would be more like “Kaku, Oobi, Piss, Back, Soon”. Now how in Hades is that supposed to teach kids ANYTHING? A hand puppet that speaks in broken English… CLEARLY points to the people who created it being high. And the fact that it’s only shown at 12:00am and 12:30am indicates they never really had any intention of kids learning from it in the first place. WHAT KID IS UP AT THAT TIME?!?!
I really question Nickelodeons decision to run this show.
3. Fanboy and Chum Chum
First, let me direct you to the user reviews for this show on the IMDB website. Go ahead and click that. Read the reviews.
Back? Good. Okay, that will tell you just how bad this show is. This show is so stupid your IQ will fall 5 points with every episode you watch. The theme song? FUCK THIS THEME SONG. In an alternate universe, this theme song destroyed The Mae Shi’s career and they were banished from fucking EARTH. Everything about this show is an abomination of TV. I considered putting this show in the #1 spot, but I decided that it’s not good enough to make #1 EVEN ON A WORST SHOWS LIST. It doesn’t even warrant a full on review. That’s all i’m saying about this show.
2. Go, Diego, Go!
So, now we’ve reached # 2. Numero dos. And, boy, is it a doozy. Go, Diego, Go! is a spin-off of Dora the Explorer that airs on Nickelodeon. He is Dora’s younger cousin and his main focus is to help animals in danger, mainly in the Amazon Rainforest. Hmm, let’s see… a kid of about 6 or 7 running around the Amazon assisting animals, sometimes very dangerous animals, BY HIMSELF. He’s pudgy looking as hell and sort of has a messy jungle fro thing going He also has a pet jaguar creatively named “Baby Jaguar” that can talk. Well, on his show it can talk, but on Dora’s show it can’t. HA! I mean come on, you can’t have a talking purple monkey who wears shiny red boots AND a talking baby jaguar on the same show! That’s just not plausible. Well, thinking about it, NOTHING about his show is plausible .
He has a camera named “Click” that is voiced by Rosey Perez with probably the most annoying fucking character voice over AND theme song (just listen to that crap) in the entire history of cartoons and a backpack called “Rescue Pack” that can magically transform into any Goddamn thing he wants it to with a fucking Salsa theme song. Need a mountain bike? Rescue Pack will first transform into a single prop airplane, then a pogo stick and finally a mountain bike, and then ask you which one you need, even though you’ve asked for a mountain bike in the first place. Mountain bike you say? Again? Then it decides it will transform into a fucking mountain bike. And it will do it to a Salsa soundtrack. Need a raft? Throw Rescue Pack into the Goddamn river and it will transform into a parachute, a grappling hook and THEN magically transform into a raft WITH oars while you almost drown. Bullshit. Come on. Some kid is going to throw their backpack on the ground at some point and start screaming “RESCUE PACK, COME TO THE RESCUE! I NEED AN ATV!” and then they get eaten by a fuckin Grizzly Bear while they pretend it’s turning into 5 different things BEFORE turning into the ATV that they asked for. No. Just no.
Diego also has an older sister named Alicia who helps him on his adventures. She’s also sort of a caretaker for the animals that come into their rescue center for help, kind of like an animal rehab. And though she is described to be around 10 years old, she is often seen performing tasks (like driving a fucking car) that could only be done by someone that is older. I don’t know what the legal driving age is where they live in the Amazon, but I’m calling bullshit on this whole thing.
The antagonists of the show are usually two spider monkeys called the Bobo Brothers. Diego can basically get the Bobo Brothers to cut their shit by getting the audience to help him yell “Freeze, Bobos!” Apparently, the shows description says that they don’t purposely cause Diego trouble and they usually apologize after doing so. It’s like someone robbing a bank, an innocent bystander yelling “stop, don’t rob that bank!” and the perp saying “oh yeah, I forgot. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry”. And he just drops his gun and gives up. It doesn’t work that way in real life.
The animals themselves are all mostly drawn in a semi realistic fashion, which is sort of ridiculous, because they talk. It’s almost like watching a nature show on LSD. I know. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds. And the artwork on these animals looks just as ridiculous sometimes. Nothing about this show is legit, so they really should take some liberties with the animal design as IT’S A CARTOON!
And with that we come to #1…
1. Dora the Explorer
So, here we are at #1 and if you had any sort of clue, you probably have guessed that Dora the Explorer was #1. I don’t really have to give much of an explanation for the show because I’m sure pretty much everyone and the bacteria in their digestive system knows this cartoon. You have a little Latina girl named Dora (whose head bears an uncanny resemblance to a penis and if you stare into her eyes for a minute or so you really notice how creepy looking they are) and her boot wearing sidekick of a monkey, Boots. You have the antagonist of the cartoon, Swiper the Fox, who runs around trying to fuck up their game by stealing shit. He doesn’t run with it though. He usually just throws whatever he grabbed up into a tree or into some bushes or something and takes off. Basically, he’s not really a thief, just a really big prick. They are able to stop him 90% of the time by yelling “Swiper, no swiping!”, to which he stops, snaps his fingers, says “OH MAN!” and bounds off to find some other shit to half steal. She has a few friends, including a squirrel name Tico, who is able to operate vehicles of all kinds, Isa the Iguana, and Benny the Bull. But there is a good chance you already knew all of this. Moving on.
Now, on of my biggest issues with this cartoon (aside from everything) is the fact that EVERY PLACE on freaking EARTH is accessible within a days time. Seriously. Dora has circumnavigated the globe all before night fall in a single episode. The pyramids of Egypt are within sight of the Eiffel Tower according to this cartoon. They are just over a hill. Want to go to Machu Picchu? Walk about 6 steps from the “Gooey Geyser”. Or better yet, just jump on the pink splooge spewed up by the Gooey Geyser and let it launch you over there. Because on Dora’s version of Earth you can. You can also make it to the Great Wall of China from Mexico in three steps according to her “Map”. You just have to go through the Butterfly Forest, cross the Troll Bridge and you are there. By the way, “Map” lives in Dora’s backpack and can only be summoned by Dora yelling “MAP” with the help of the audience of course. When he is summoned, he has a song where he repeats “I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map, I’m the map” over and over again until your ears bleed. Backpack is also a living entity and has his own “Backpack” song as well, which is worse than the Salsa number Diego’s Rescue Pack does, if that’s possible. Apparently, Backpack was preloaded with shit Dora predicted she would need that day, along with shit she doesn’t need like a water gun, a cheese wheel, and a pencil sharpener. Instead of changing into the aforementioned objects like Diego’s “Rescue Pack” before it gives her what she wants, it just juggles the items in a circle until the audience can figure out what Dora needs to complete whatever task she is working on. Dora is bilingual, appears to be an experienced world traveler, knows Santa Claus, some mermaids and a gas pump named “Gassy”, but she needs help from children ages 2-5 figuring out that she needs an umbrella from her backpack to avoid rain. It’s a wonder how she get’s by. Anyway, this will not help children further down the line in their Geography classes because they will have learned from Dora that you can get from China to the Parthenon in Greece in about 5 minutes by bicycle.
Now, as if 1 Dora series wasn’t enough, we have a new series: Dora’s Explorer Girls. Basically, this is about Dora as a Shakira loving pre-teen and her friends Naiya, Kate, Emma, and Alana who call themselves “The Explorer Girls”. Apparently, a lot of moms were asking Nick and Mattel to create a way for young girls past the preschool age to continue to grow with Dora, since children lose interest in Dora once they are able to actually walk away from the TV. At the behest of mom’s everywhere, a new, more mature Dora that preteen girls can relate to was developed. AAAAAAND it almost backfired. There was a ton of controversy over the new Dora; so much so, the Mattel and Nickelodeon released a joint statement on the issue. Whoops. Anyway, the new Dora lives in the city and is all “Nancy Drew” like, solving mysteries like “how to plant trees” or “how to clean up a beach” and doing things like “making a difference” in their community. Yeah, this will capture the hearts and minds of preteen girls EVERYWHERE. Forget lip gloss and style, girls these days want to go plant trees and pick up dirty hypodermic needles off of the beach.
I know you are probably saying to yourself “But, Sean, Dora is so popular! She is one of Nickelodeons biggest properties! She is beloved by children all over the world! She is on everything from clothing, to backpacks, to tooth brushes!” You know what? Well fuck all, I don’t care. That’s part of the reason WHY she made it to the top spot.
So, there you have it. 6 cartoons that I think absolutely suck. Of course, it’s all a matter of opinion and this article happens to list a few of mine. You may or may not like these cartoons. I don’t. I grew up watching shit that just wreaked of awesome: GI Joe, Thundercats, Transformers, M.A.S.K., He-Man, Johnny Quest, DINO RIDERS…
These cartoons just took you on an adventure and didn’t really try to teach you anything. They were fodder for the imagination. They didn’t try to teach you Spanish or what a rhombus is, they made you know that you wanted the Sword of Omens something FIERCE, or you wanted a car that could transform into a jet or a giant robot friend, you wanted to ride on the back of a fucking T-Rex that had laser cannons and you wanted to be able to yell “I HAVE THE POWER!” into the air and have a fucking beam of power transform you into a hulking barbarian that could stop massive amounts of dicks. THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT! The cartoons today want to teach kids things, and if you read anything in the above paragraphs, you can see that it fails at it pretty badly. I say, get back to cartoons that just feed the imagination. Cartoons are supposed to be an escape from the world of learning and chores and responsibility. Leave the learning to school.