Lame, Cliché, and Otherwise DUMB Stock Photos


Stock photos are a collection of photographs that are often used by companies who are too damn cheap to hire a photographer.  Some you have to pay to use and some are offered “royalty free”, meaning you don’t have to pay for them at all.  They are often produced in studios using models and they usually depict blatant stereotypes and they are almost ALWAYS fucking LAME.  Now, with that being said I actually work online for a living and I have to say I see these things on a constant basis.  Here are some of the more common ones you’ll run into.

The Customer Service Agent

Kiss my ass with this picture. NO ONE in Customer Service looks like this.

I’m going to start with the old cliché “Customer Service” agent stock photos.  Let’s take a look at this picture up there and point out a few things.  First, this lady could NOT be a Customer Service Rep because she is entirely too fucking happy.  When was the last time you came across a friendly, polite, CSR with a smile so big you could hear it over the phone? Chances are you can’t remember.  I have been in the Customer Service industry for upwards of 11 years including being on the phones in a call center, managing a call center, Training and Development, Support… If someone is this happy on the phone chances are they are brand fucking new or today is their last day.

Also, her complexion is ALL WRONG.  She isn’t pasty from lack of being in the sun due to working long hours INSIDE, has no visible acne, her teeth are fucking WHITE (which is impossible because coffee is the LIFE BLOOD of any call center and we all know what wonders that does for the color of your teeth).  I would also GUARANTEE that she has perfect fucking posture.

Let me just point something else out here.  Why the hell do all of those “Customer Service” stock photos depict the person holding the ear piece or mouth piece? For example, this:

And this:

And the fuck this:

It’s wrong.  NO ONE HOLDS THEIR PHONE LIKE THIS.  NO ONE.  Please stock photo creators, STOP DOING THIS.

The Successful Business Team

There is an exorbitant amount of both blonde and white in this picture. Where's the racial diversity in this successful business team?

Ah, yes.  Go to most any corporate or business website and you will see the old “Business Team” stock photo.  This photo is supposed to depict a team of professionals who are successful, depict joy at knowing they are successful, and are in some cases attractive.  Now, I don’t know what company was used to “cast” the above picture but when they put the ad out for casting it more than likely included the words “blonde” and “white”.  In addition, I would not feel comfortable shaking that woman’s hand with that look on her face.  That look, coupled with all of the smiling folks there in the background, makes me feel like if I did shake her hand, I would be forfeiting my soul.

Back to subject of racial diversity:

Nothing about this picture is right.

This isn’t “ethnically diverse” per se, but it IS the complete other end of the spectrum.  This dude looks like a tech savvy pimp displaying his “stable of hoes” (notice he even has a “mangina” in his stable) to a potential customer via his laptop. Successful business team indeed.  Ahem, let’s move on.

What. The. Hell?

WHO casted for this one? Because they need to be fired. It’s diverse in both ethnicity AND age but I’ve seen more effort put into a “GO TEAM” hand stack at a quadriplegic baseball game.  And what the fuck is up with the Ron Burgundy/Cotton Eyed Joe hybrid in the back there?  That dude is looking at BOTH ladies AND the camera AT THE SAME TIME. Again, moving on:

Were you just jumped?

Here we have the “You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out” business team.  You want to join their team? A beatin’ is the only way in.  And finally:

Faceless? Shapeless? Yep, that about sums up the average, everyday corporate "employee".

This is probably the most accurate “business team” photo EVER.

The Handshake

I don't know what happned pre handshake, but it was obviously important. Obviously.

The Handshake is usually used to indicate some sort of deal has been made.  You got a job, you closed a business deal, made a sale… whatever.  Some important shit went down, and it was concluded with a firm handshake.  There are many variations on it:

Insert generic explosion sound.

The “Thank You For Your Soul”.  And:

The “Soloist”. And there’s also:

What the fuck?

The “Socially Awkward Guys” handshake.  This is probably the most awkward handshake that has ever occurred.  I feel awkward looking at this.  And dude on the left looks like he has a perspiration problem and smells, and guy on the right is trying to keep his distance.  Finally, we have:

"Her" eyes are HORRIFIC!

The “Nordic Elven She-Demon”.  This picture is terrifying.  DO NOT LOOK HER IN THE EYES!

As you can see, no matter what form the “Handshake” photo takes, you know some important shit just went down.

The Thumbs Up

Thumbs up indeed, white version of Ronnie from The Jersey Shore.

The “Thumbs Up” is another commonly used stock photo to indicate, as Borat would say, SUCCESS! It also comes in many different lame varieties.

The “Standard”.  Your typical, everyday thumbs up.  Next:

Pew pew.

The “Two Gun Kid”. There’s:

I apologize for posting this because that smile will haunt your dreams for the next few weeks.

The “Holy FUCK That Dude Is Creepy” thumbs up.  Also see:

Cool story, bro.

The “Vegetation Agrees” thumbs up.  Finally:

Different crew. Same theme.

The “You Just Got Knocked The Fuck Out” thumbs up.  Which confirms how knocked out you were even more so than the “Successful Business Team” stock photo.

Pauly D

This isn’t currently, but should from here on out be, the DEFAULT stock photo for Pauly D.  I’ll end this posting on that note.


The Biggest Dick Moves in Dragon Ball Z (and GT For That Matter)…Pt. 1


Ep. Ic.

Look at this picture and absorb what you see.  These guys just look fucking bad ass (save for Trunks there in the lower right corner, who looks like he’s posing for a Calvin Klein ad or something).  Now, think back on your childhood and remember the cartoons you used to watch (if you’re my age or older) and how utterly AWESOME 80’s and early 90’s cartoons were (or how awesome they SEEMED to be).  I’ll give you a nice bullet list of the cartoons I used to watch in no particular order:

  • He Man
  • G.I. Joe
  • Transformers
  • Go-Bots (I know they were a Transformers rip-offs)
  • Thundercats
  • Silverhawks
  • Tigersharks
  • Dinoriders
  • Dinosaucers
  • M.A.S.K.
  • Centurions
  • Voltron
  • Captain N
  • Super Mario Bros./Zelda (on Fridays)
  • Ninja Turtles
  • Captain FUCKING Power!!!

    Epic? Yes. Would they have a snowball's chance in Hell? No.

That’s just a FEW of the many MANY cartoons I used to watch.  There are others that I will NOT mention here ::cough Gummi Bears cough::  But anyway, you could take EVERY cartoon character in EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cartoons and put them all together into one giant awesome universe destroying series of awesomeness and pit them against Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Trunks… just those 4… and they would all fucking lose HORRIBLY.

The characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT were so galaxy destroying fuck powerful that you would need a task force consisting of Superman, The Incredible Hulk, The Juggernaut, Thor, Martian Man Hunter, Sentry, and probably GOD to even have a snowball’s chance in hell at competing with the characters in this show.  It seemed like every progressive saga in the series(es) had a foe that was 100x stronger than the foe before it and as a result the heroes got even stronger.  Hell, at the end of Dragon Ball GT (the end of the Dragon Ball story itself) Omega Shenron and both Super Saiyan 4 Goku and Vegeta (and eventually Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta) were strong enough to destroy entire GALAXIES if they wanted to.  They had that kind of power.

The Dragon Ball series, as epic as it was, was not without it’s “dick moves”, however.  You know what a “dick move” is; it’s when someone does something so wrong, so out of place, so fucked up, that the only thing you can say or think at that point in time is, “that was a fucking DICK move!”  And that is what this posting is going to cover; the biggest “Dick Moves” in the Dragon Ball Z/GT series.  I’m not going to cover Dragon Ball because, well, those characters didn’t have the epic power that the characters in Dragon Ball Z/GT had and, even though it was a fantastic series, and the beginning of the whole thing, it just doesn’t have that WOW! effect that the last two series had.  I’m also NOT going to cover the movies because I plan on touching on them in another posting (plus, half of this list would consist of shit that Broly did so I’ll save that for another time).  So, with that said, I’m going to go in chronological order here and go from the Saiyan Saga to the Shadow Dragon Saga at the end of Dragon Ball GT. So, without further ado, here we go!

1. Raditz Threatens to Kill Gohan if Goku Doesn’t Kill 100 Humans

I don't know where this came from, but for some reason Raditz reminds me of Zak Bagans in this picture. Zak Bagans choking up a kid.

If you watched the Dragon Ball series, you know that Goku landed on planet Earth as a child and went on many an adventure with Bulma trying to locate the Dragon Balls.  What you didn’t know at that time (at least until Dragon Ball Z) was that Goku was actually sent to Earth to destroy it and we learn all of this from Goku’s dear brother, Raditz after he too crash lands on Earth.  Cue meeting with Goku and let the trash talking commence.  Raditz also had the courtesy to give Goku an interesting history lesson.  He indicated that the Saiyans original home planet, Planet Vegeta, was obliterated by an asteroid (which you also find out later during the Frieza saga is complete bullshit) some twenty years earlier, and that there are only four Saiyans left in the universe, including Goku himself.

Well, naturally, since they are 2 of the remaining (supposedly) 4 Saiyans left in the entire universe, they have to stick together, right?  And what are Saiyans good at?  Death and destruction! If races of people were music styles, Saiyans would be fucking Death Metal!  And just maybe these two long lost brothers can catch up a bit on the ride, shoot the shit and have some laughs, you know?  So it is at this point Raditz tells Goku he’s in the gang whether he wants to be or not.  Goku doesnt want though and refuses, pretty much telling Raditz not to hold his Goddamn breath.  Now, I’m pretty sure at this point Raditz was probably saying to himself, “I could lay a massive ass whipping on this dude at any point of my choosing and still you could rebuild my spaceship 1000 times over with all of the fucks he couldn’t give. I have to find another way to convince him”.  This is when he happens to notice Gohan.  Raditz, ever the opportunist, concocts a plan and proposes an ultimatum for Goku; he will kill Gohan unless Goku kills one hundred humans within twenty-four hours. Then he flies off with Gohan.  And there wasn’t a damn thing Goku could do about it. How’s that for a gang initiation?

2. Piccolo Leaves Gohan in the Wilderness for 6 Months

If you are even reading this article, you have obviously watched Dragon Ball Z.  So, you know Goku and Piccolo teamed up and went at Raditz together.  After all was said and done, Piccolo lost an arm, Gohan revealed he had some sort of hidden power by busting out of Raditz’s space pod and destroying his whole chest plate with the mother of all flying headbutts.  With Raditz reeling, Goku goes street and bum rushes him into a full nelson so that Piccolo could take care of bidness with a well aimed Special Beam Cannon.  Boo yah, ladies and gentlemen.  Game over.  As Raditz was dying he revealed that his scouter (the green eyepiece he wore to detect power signatures) also acted as a homing beacon and he just used it to tell on EARTH!  Two Saiyans even more powerful than himself would be on their way shortly to clean house and they were all pretty much fucked.  Piccolo wasn’t trying to hear that and delivers the death blow to Raditz.   Meanwhile, the rest of the gang arrives and witnesses Goku die and his body vanish.

He would be WISHING for death if this happened about a foot lower...

NOTHING about this picture looks right...

Piccolo decides that if Death himself was coming to Earth to claim names, he wasn’t going to give his up without attempting to punch some damn faces first.  So he regrows his fucking arm like a boss and tells everyone that if they are going to have any chance against the two stronger Saiyans that they need to get their asses in gear and TRAIN.  Having just witnessed Gohan unleash a headbutt that was the cranial equivalent to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, Piccolo decides he is going to train him and grabs the unconscious child, albeit not without protest from the rest of the gang, but what the hell were they going to do? They just saw a large homicidal green alien who recently killed another homicidal alien who was stronger than him regenerate his own goddamn arm.  What would YOU do?

AAARRRGGGHH AXE ANTIPERSPIRANT ISN'T WORKING FOR ME!!!!

So what do you think happens next?  An 80’s style training montage where Gohan begins learning martial arts, albeit clumsily at first, until he has a moment of clarity, understands what the art is about and begins to progress at an exponential level unlike any martial artist before him? No.  He gets dropped off in the middle of the wilderness, wakes up, gets smacked around a bit, and told that he has to survive on his own in the goddamn wild for 6 months before he can even BEGIN training.  Leaving a child of about 4 in the middle of nowhere with dinosaurs (yes fucking dinosaurs) wandering around, a few apples to eat and no sense of how to fend for himself makes Piccolo sound like the Casey Anthony of martial arts teachers.  I’ve seen 4 year olds who can’t put whole sentences together, but this one gets dropped off in bum fuck Egypt BEFORE he gets any training.  My 3 year old (who will be 4 in January, close enough) would be running around trying to cut his hair with sharp rocks and eating random shit he picked up on the ground.  Granted, Gohan came out okay, but dropping a 4 year old off in the middle of nowhere for 6 months?  Dick move Piccolo.  Dick move.

3. Vegeta Kills Nappa (IT’S OVER 9,000!!!)

History has had some truly GREAT partnerships.  Batman and Robin.  Starsky and Hutch.  Bo and Luke Duke.  Thelma and Louis.  Vegeta and Nappa.  In EVERY partnership, there is always one half that is the more dominant part;  the alpha to the beta.  In the every single one of the aforementioned duo’s the alpha relied on the assistance of his (or her) partner (beta) to help them through the tough times, the trials and tribulations, the bullshit, if you will.  The street fights with the worst criminals imaginable, jumping over a fucking barn in your orange 69 Dodge Charger, quality control down the assembly line, you know, everyday life.  If one falters, the other is there to help them out.  They have each other’s back.  However, in the case of Saiyans, (as I stated before, they are death metal) you BETTER NOT FUCK UP.  SERIOUSLY.  Sure you can fly around the universe committing genocide all over the place together, but if a Saiyan feels that you are of no more use to them, you get fucking chi blasted in the face to death.  Such was the case with Vegeta and his original partner Nappa.

"We're gonna do it!! Give us any chance, we'll take it. Give us any rule, we'll break it. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way!"

Now, a little background on Vegeta and Nappa.  Vegeta was a prince on the Saiyan home planet, which WAS CALLED PLANET VEGETA.   His father’s name was King Vegeta.  I’m almost certain you could go back through the entire Vegeta family tree and every male in the family was probably named Vegeta.  Nappa was the Commander-In-Chief of the entire Saiyan army.  These guys ran shit.  Take a look at that picture up there.  Nappa is gi-goddamn-gantic and Vegeta is one of those little dudes that will fuck your shit up if you mess with him.   You know the type.  Like Bruce Lee.  He was 5’8″ and looked like a wet dog with a suit on.  However, if he took his shirt off and threw them hands up you KNEW the ass whippin’ was coming FAST.  You would immediately regret the decision to screw around with him.

Yeah. You look at this picture and you think to yourself "Aw he doesn't look so tough..."

...Then the shirt comes off and a shredded Chinese man starts making hand trails in your face and you're not even high. Your body IMMEDIATELY goes into one of those "PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!" seizures.

Anyway, Nappa and Vegeta come to Earth to a.) search for the Dragon Balls to wish for eternal life b.) destroy EVERYTHING on Earth because that’s what they did, and; c.)make this corner of the Milky Way their bitch.  So, they they get here and meet resistance in the form of Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Yamcha, and the duo of Tien and  Chiaotzu.  Nappa goes on the attack first while Vegeta waits in the background like little dangerous men do.  Nappa begins to decimate the Z fighters one by one. He busts Tien’s arm with a single punch.   Chiaotzu tries to pull a jihad on him by latching on to his back and blowing himself up, which Nappa ignores.  Angry over his best friend’s death, Tien uses the last of his energy to attack Nappa with a Spirit Tri Beam attack, which proves to be in useless becuase he he falls to the ground and dies immediately afterwards while Nappa survived, again with no serious injuries.

The whole time they are fighting, the Z warriors are trying to call on their boy Goku to get there quick fucking fast so he could clean some bad guy house, but to no avail.  The entire time this was going down Piccolo had been devising a plan to destroy Nappa, but Gohan was too afraid to attack during the part where he was supposed to fucking blast him.  Before the fight can continue, Vegeta decides to pause the whole shebang for three hours to allow Goku to show up, finding it amusing that Krillin, Piccolo and Gohan have so much faith in such a low level Saiyan. To keep himself occupied, Nappa destroys the news crew that was reporting on the battle, and then decides to fly around and ass rape the WORLD’s military,  destroying naval fleets and air craft forces. After that, just for fun, he destroyed an entire city with his “Exploding Wave” technique.  Basically he went Nathan Jones on shit.

The resemblance is UNCANNY!

After three hours have passed, Goku was still a no-show and the fight resumes.  Nappa takes off his armor and goes Nathan Jones mode. Piccolo devises a plan that involves him grabbing Nappa’s tail to weaken him, but he may as well have been giving Nappa a reach around. Nappa then throws a vicious elbow muy thai style to Piccolo’s head, knocking him out.

I could go a hundred different directions with this picture... I won't though.

Finally after much ass kicking on Nappa’s part, Goku arrives. Nappa claims Goku would not have a chance of beating him, and even after Vegeta reads his power level (IT’S OVER 9000!!!) and breaks his fucking scouter in frustration. Nappa says “Fuck it!” and attacks Goku anyway.  Long story short, Nappa tries Gohan and Goku raises up with his Kaio-Ken and stops Nappa by breaking bruvs back.

PWNED! And look at Krillin and Gohan in the back there. They can't even BELIEVE that shit just happened!

Then Goku picks him up and throws him at Vegetas feet.  Having just had his ass whipped, Nappa begs for Vegeta to help him get up, and Vegeta reaches for his hand, pretending to help him.  Vegeta grabs his hand, labels him useless since he can’t move (broke fucking back and all) and throws him into the air like a rag doll.  Vegeta says “FUCK THE BULLSHIT” and throws an attack called the “Galaxy Breaker” to obliterate him.  Upon entering the Afterlife, he joins Raditz after being sent to Hell by King Yemma.

BOOM! Did you see that?!?! RUTHLESS! DO NOT FUCK WITH VEGETA!!! (Unless you are an Android (more on that in part 2), or Bojack, or Brolly, or… aaaahhh… nevermind.)

Pt. 1 Conclusion

So, I decided to split this up because a.) Dragon Ball Z is long as hell and just this first half of the posting is already HUGE, b.) the later sagas are even fucking LONGER and require a bit more explanation,  c.) I haven’t posted in a minute and it’s about time I do, and d.) it’s my blog and I can.  Thank you…

(Part 2 is already well under way.  No worries!)


9 Rare Mental Illnesses That Are Effing Crazy! (Pt. 2)


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

Here we are, back with the second part of a two-part series about some pretty rare and astonishing mental illnesses.  If you’re not careful your mind can COMPLETELY flip your world right on its head.  Wait, that’s usually how you get mental illnesses.  That was a bad analogy.  Or was it?  Maybe I didn’t say that at all and your mind is telling you I did!  Let’s jump right in!

Supernumerary Phantom Limbs

What it is:

I know most of you have heard the joke about some guy having a “third leg”, inferring that his vein cane is so large he can prop himself up like a tripod.

This could be REALLY dirty. A chick with a third arm? A guy with a "third leg". I'll let you do that math.

Well, in extremely rare cases, particularly after a brain injury, an additional phantom limb can appear causing the sensation of a third hand, arm or leg.  People can see this thing and feel it as though it’s really there.   It’s even got bendable joints.   In the amazing case of a 64-year-old librarian, doctors were actually able to plug her in to a brain scanner and “watch” her use it to touch her face.  To further increase the crazy factor, the limb wasn’t permanently there hanging out and bumming off of her physical arm, she actually had to activate it.  Presumably by saying something cool like “PHANTOM ARM… ARISE!!” and then the room would grow dark and the arm would appear in a bright flash of light with the sound of thunder.  And then there would be an extreme camera close up on the fist opening and closing, followed by the camera panning quickly 360 around her body while the background is rushing past rapidly, and then the camera moves back out to show all 5 limbs in all of their glory.

Sort of like this.

And when she activated said phantom limb, the doctors saw activity from her right motor cortex.  As the “arm” was approaching her face, they noted an increase in visual cortical activity. And when she told them that the limb was in fact touching her cheek, they saw increased activity in the region of the brain that says “Hey, there’s something touching your cheek”.  Her brain had created a fully functional phantom arm, which was hardwired to operate with her actual limbs.

Symptoms:

Well, if seeing, feeling and believing that you have an extra arm, leg or hand aren’t the symptoms you would expect for this disorder, then you need to get off of the computer now and go stick your finger in a light socket.  It may jolt some sense in to you.

What causes it:

This seems to occur in a lot of stroke victims.

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine

What it is:

This is probably one of the most hilarious names for a mental disorder that I’ve ever heard.  Just the name itself paints pictures.  You can’t really “picture” what Capgras or Fregoli or Apotemnophilia is, but when you hear “Jumping Frenchmen of Maine”, the image of a pencil moustached Frenchman wearing a beret being startled and jumping into the air yelling “SACRE BLEU!!!” comes immediately to mind.  These weren’t those type of Frenchmen though.  These were fucking lumberjacks who wield large axes and saws.

His eyes are saying "Startle me again, motherfucker!"

First described by G. M. Beard in 1878, Jumping Frenchmen of Maine is an extremely rare disorder characterized by an unusually extreme startle reaction.  From the man himself:

“One of the jumpers while sitting in his chair with a knife in his hand was told to throw it, and he threw it quickly, so that it struck in a beam opposite; at the same time he repeated the order to throw it…. When the commands are uttered in a quick loud voice the jumper repeats the order. When told to strike, he strikes, when told to throw it, he throws it, whatever he has in his hands…. all of these phenomena were indeed but parts of the general condition known as, jumping. It was not necessary that the sound should come from a human being: any sudden or unexpected noise, as the explosion of a gun or pistol, the falling of a window, or the slamming of the door, provided it be unexpected and loud enough, would cause the jumpers to exhibit some one or all of these phenomena….” (Beard, 1880a, pp. 487-490)

Basically, when people are startled they have a reflex reaction to the sudden stimuli.  It’s called the startle reflex.  They usually jump away from whatever suddenly frightened them, the blood pressure suddenly rises, breathing gets shallow, the muscles contract and the fight or flight response kicks in.  The person will usually calm down after a few seconds if there is no real threat.  However, in the case of an individual with this disorder shit gets REALLY crazy.  Something that might simply startle a normal person will send these people on a tirade,  including wildly jumping and flailing limbs, yelling and twitching, and sometimes convulsions.  Sometimes, they will copy anything that is said to them or any movements of people around them, obey any command you give them as in the case referenced above.  Basically, a complete and utter overreaction.

Symptoms

People with this disorder have a tendency to go completely ape shit when they are startled.  They jump, flail, twitch, convulse, slap, hit, throw things, you can get them to do and say all sorts of crazy stuff on command, or even get them to mimic movements and words of the people around them.  Apparently, even people in this culture think these people are great fun at parties!!

What Causes it:

It is theorized that this is a genetic disorder as it’s very localized to this specific cultural group i n the northern regions of Maine.  It’s theorized that it may be a result of inbreeding as fourteen out of 50 of Beard’s cases were found in four families.   Another set of cases were found in a family where the father, his two sons, as well as his two grandchildren exhibited the “jumping” behavior.

Synesthesia

Fuck yeah.

What it is:

Well, synesthesia isn’t a “mental disorder” per se.  It’s not listed in the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or the ICD (International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems).  But, it’s neurological and damn interesting to boot, and I felt it appropriate to put it on my list.

Synesthetes, the name given to people who experience synesthesia (in some circles I believe they are called “hippies”)  see letters, numbers and even sounds as colors.   Days of the week have their own personalities.  You tell a synesthete to piss off, they can taste that shit.  Basically, things they experience with one sense evoke a reaction in another sense.  Like a constant LSD trip without the horrible “flashbacks” later on in life.

This is what a synesthete sees when you tell one to "eat a bag of dicks" for staring at you funny. But you can't blame them, you just introduced yourself and they are tasting your name.

There’s multiple different types of synesthesia and it can occur between any two of the senses.  These are the most common:

  • Grapheme/Color – Letters and numbers each have their own shades of color and the colors are usually common with most synesthetes i.e. A is red, B is brown, D is green, 1 is yellow, and 2 is… not surprisingly… brown.
  • Sound/Color – As demonstrated by the clever graphic above,  sounds create colors and fireworks that dance around and eventually fade as the sound goes away.  Imagine what a migraine would “look like”? The pounding pulse in your head.  You wouldn’t know whether to break out the glow sticks and start raving or cry into your pillow and try to keep from throwing up.
  • Lexical/Gustatory – Words are experienced as taste.
  • Personification – Days and months, numbers and letters are associated with personalities.  For example, according to notable synesthesia researcher Richard E. Cytowic, one synesthete says, “T’s are generally crabbed, ungenerous creatures. U is a soulless sort of thing. 4 is honest, but… 3 I cannot trust… 9 is dark, a gentleman, tall and graceful, but politic under his suavity.”  

There are obviously other less common combo’s like sound-odor, temperature-color, taste-touch, touch-smell, and vision-touch.  Despite the horrific potential for some of these combinations, synesthetes enjoy their condition and wouldn’t change it.

"U" soulless sunuvabitch.

Symptoms:

The symptoms are basically the condition.  If you really need help here just go back and re-read the previous section.

What Causes it:

Different parts of the brain are obviously responsible for different bodily functions.  An increase in the communication, or even different parts being activated at the same time may be responsible for this.   Another possible explanation could be dis-inhibited feedback between pathways in the brain.  These are two of the most common explanations.

Genital Retraction Syndrome

What it is:

Oh boy.  Just looking at the name for this one makes you cringe.  This is another one of those culture specific disorders (just like the Jumping Frenchmen of Maine) that is sort of exclusive to Southeast Asia (mainly China, where it is known as shuk yang, although researchers call it Koro).   Sufferers, who are usually men, have the astonishing belief that their penis is shrinking and will shortly disappear into nothingness.  Likewise, women who suffer from Koro fear that their vulva and boobs will shrink into nothing and their chests will resemble that of a 5-year-old boy.  Oh, and then they believe they will die.

Check out that come hither stare and the John Stamos hair circa Full House. Also, the extreme lack of a shlong.

The fear usually arises when a man takes a pee in the cold or if he is stressed out, maybe he’s gained a little weight and hasn’t really noticed, and when he takes a look down his junk is smaller.  Now, most people are aware of “shrinkage” when it’s cold, but a man’s penis also tends to shrink up a bit when he’s really stressed or if he’s gained some poundage; the pelvic muscles tighten up and it kind of retracts a bit.  Then, the mindfuck begins.  People in this part of the world have a lot of cultural beliefs in regards to the penis.  So much so in fact that they have entire restaurants dedicated to them.  To them, the penis is the source of a man’s vitality.  So, when they notice that their livelihood is fading, it MUST be a sign of certain death.  Now, you won’t usually see this disorder occurring in western cultures, because we don’t fundamentally share the same spiritual beliefs as eastern cultures; however, I don’t know of many men who WOULDN’T want to die if they lost their package.

Symptoms:

Well, obviously GRS sufferers go into panic mode that their penis is shrinking and the episodes can last for hours to days at a time.  Sometimes its isolated to just a single episode, sometimes it’s chronic with recurring attacks.  On top of the apparent shrinkage, other symptoms include the perception that the shape of their penis has changed and a loss of penile muscular tone.  Often, to counteract the retraction, these guys will go to extreme measures.  Remember when you were young and had a loose tooth and your grandfather would say, “tie one end of a string to your tooth and the other end of a door knob and slam the door”?  Well, they do this with their dicks.  Or they have the other family members pull on one end in a sort of penile tug of war.  UUUGGGHHHH…

What Causes it:

Guilt from masturbating too often, or from sexual promiscuity (the sperm is supposed to be the source of a man’s “essence”, so frequent ejaculation equals a loss of vitality), personality factors, depression, and cultural beliefs are considered primary causes contributing to GRS.

Cotards Delusion

What it is:

I have saved the best for last!  I’m a big fan of zombies so this one is close to my heart. It’s called the Cotard Delusion, and in some circles it’s also known as Walking Dead Syndrome.  First described by a French neurologist by the name of Jules  Cotard in 1880.  Sufferers of Cotard’s are emotionless, no feeling sonsabitches.  Sights, sounds, tastes, smells, colors, people, cute, furry little puppies, NOTHING will get a rise out of these people.  Why is that you say?  Because they believe that they are dead.  The brain sort of says, “Well, you aren’t able to feel anything.  The only state in which this possible is death.  Sooooo, you must be dead!” And it is virtually impossible to convince them otherwise. They can often smell their flesh rotting from their bodies and sometimes believe that, since they are already dead, they are immortal.  I’d wager to say that they’d probably be pretty damn boring on a date.

"Wanna go in the back and make out a bit?" elicited absolutely NO response.

Once they believe that they are dead, it is utterly impossible to convince the person that they’re alive.  They will say that since they are undead, they don’t bleed.  Stab them in the leg, and they will bleed, but say then say that maybe they hadn’t quite lost all of their blood yet and members of the exclusive club called “dead” that haven’t lost all of their blood will indeed bleed.  Show them that the arm they say was rotting away is still in tip-top shape and they will say it’s rotting from the inside out.  Kick them in the groin and watch them fall into a fetal position.  Because NO ONE can take a kick to the dick and not cringe.  Then laugh and say “I guess not!” Stubborn.  On another note, if you mix zombies and ninjas, shit get’s EPIC.  Zombie ninja.  That’s like the ultimate tier of awesome right there.  It’s enough to make your head ache from the awesomeness.

Indeed.

Oh, and they make a zombie ninja Halloween costume.

Good lord look at that kids face under that mask. He looks like he'll eat your face.

Symptoms:

One of the most famous examples cited for signs and symptoms is those in a modern-day sufferer of Cotard as noted by researches Young and Leafhead:

“[The patient’s] symptoms occurred in the context of more general feelings of unreality and being dead. In January 1990, after his discharge from hospital in Edinburgh, his mother took him to South Africa. He was convinced that he had been taken to hell (which was confirmed by the heat), and that he had died of septicaemia (which had been a risk early in his recovery), or perhaps from AIDS (he had read a story in The Scotsman about someone with AIDS who died from septicaemia), or from an overdose of a yellow fever injection. He thought he had “borrowed my mother’s spirit to show me round hell”, and that she was asleep in Scotland.” Young, A.W. & Leafhead, K.M. (1996) (in P.W. Halligan & J.C. Marshall. (eds.) Method in Madness: Case studies in Cognitive Neuropsychiatry). Betwixt Life and Death: Case Studies of the Cotard Delusion. Hove: Psychology Press. p. 155.

He borrowed his mother’s spirit to show him… around… hell. . . Good lord.

What Causes it:

Similar to Cagras, it is theorized that this delusion stems from a disconnect in the areas in the brain that control facial recognition and emotion like the amygdala and other limbic structures.  It can also stem from schizophrenia, bi polar disorder, or other psychotic disorders, as well.

As an aside, if there ever IS going to be a zombie apocalypse, this will probably be the cause, ladies and gentlemen.  So all of you fan boys out there who sleep with your copy of World War Z and frequently check and recheck your zombie survival kit, be ready because it could go down at any time!!!

The motherfucking BIBLE!!


9 Rare Mental Illnesses That Are Effing Crazy! (Pt. 1)


You know… Sometimes, shit happens.  One day you’re cooling out, doing your thing, you know… Riding your bike.  Playing World of War Craft.  Drinking some beer.  Surfing gigantic waves.  Cooking up some meth.  Doing whatever the hell it is you do, and then, shit goes horribly wrong.  You wake up thinking you are a zombie and can literally SMELL your flesh rotting from your body.  In addition,  fuck your left arm because it doesn’t need to be there, and also because you just discovered that you have a third arm that you never knew about anyway.  Your best friend really isn’t your best friend.  Sure, he looks, sounds and smells like him, but it’s a double posing as him.  Yes, my friend, welcome to the world of crazy fuck mental illnesses.

9. Apotemnophilia

What it is:

Plainly put, Apotemnophilia is a neurological disorder in which a normal and otherwise sane person has an extreme desire to cut off a perfectly healthy limb or limbs.  First described and named by psychologist Gregg Furth and sexologist John Money in 1977, these people think “Why do I have this left arm? Left arms are ugly!” and seek to have said limb removed, often times injuring the fuck out of it to FORCE amputation.  Patients of Apotemnophilia are usually patients of Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) because they aren’t satisfied with specific parts of their body and they want it cut the fuck off or otherwise removed A.S.A.P.  Also, these people get off on the idea of having their limbs removed.  Hey, whatever rocks your socks.

I could go so many directions with this one. I'll let you be creative.

Oh, and apparently there are three types of people obsessed with having their limbs removed:

  • “Pretenders” are perfectly (physically) healthy people who use wheelchairs, crutches and other miscellaneous devices to make people think they are disabled.  They want you to tell them “Oh your leg is bad? Fuck that, just cut it off!!”  It’s an ironic kind of guilt “trip”.  Get it? Trip? Because you need legs and these people don’t want them?  HA HA HA… oooh, boy.  Let’s move on.
  • “Devotees” are sexually attracted to people with amputations.  This is also a mental illness called “Acrotomophilia”.  Acrotomophilia is often a counterpart to Apotemnophilia as they go hand and hand.  Get it? Hand in hand? Because they don’t like hands? HA!  Well, anyway an interesting fact about Acrotomophiliacs is that these people were actually surveyed and apparently they prefer leg amputations over arm amputations, they dig amputations of a single limb, over both, and amputations that left a stump, were more “in” than those that left no stump. (Solvang, P. (2007). The amputee body desired: Beauty destabilized? Disability re-valued? Sex and Disability, 25, 51–64.)  There’s a million different directions that I can go with that, so I’m going to move on.
  • “Wannabes”, the most attention whore-ish group of the bunch,  LIVE to have their limbs amputated.  Basically, the “Wiggers” of the Apotemnophilia community.

Whenever I'm depressed I just take a look at this picture and I instantly feel better about my life.

The Symptoms:

Symptoms are severe depression with social withdrawal and intentionally injuring your limbs.  Capgras sufferers will also do thing like purposely introducing infection to the limb, all in an effort to get that shit removed.

What Causes it:

There are no known direct causes of apotemnophilia. However, recent medical research has shown that apotemnophilia has been linked to abnormalities in the prefrontal cortex. Apotemnophiles have shown traits for the desire for amputation at a young age.

8. Capgras Delusion

What it is:

Capgras Delusion is named after Joseph Capgras, a French psychiatrist who first described this disorder in 1923.  Basically, people with this disorder have the impression that the people very close to them, such as spouses, family, friends, etc. have been replaced by exact replicas of the person.  Everyone they know is an imposter.  These people have an otherwise clean bill of health, except… for the fact… that they think their friends and family are exact duplicates.  And in some cases they even believe they themselves are duplicates, even after seeing themselves in a mirror.  In fact, it can be so bad that one capgras sufferer, a married woman, flew into a jealous rage every time she saw herself in a mirror.   She actually believed that the woman in the mirror was “another woman” who was trying to steal her husband.  Crazy fuck that she was, her husband eventually had to cover every reflective surface in the house to keep her from trying to whoop her reflection’s ass.

In some cases,  sufferers of Capgras see duplicate objects rather than duplicate people.  One patient  believed that his pet poodle had been replaced with an identical dog.  Another  believed that his shoes and many of his other personal possessions were being replaced with exact duplicates.

The Symptoms:

Pretty damn obvious:

  • Delusions
  • Belief that relatives and friends are imposters

What Causes It:

The exact cause of Capgras isn’t known and a method of treatment has not yet been developed.  The only thing that IS certain is that there is a SEVERE breakdown in normal face perception.  This is real life “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” shit.

What. The. Fuck.

7. Fregoli Delusion

What it is:

Alright, to get an idea what this is about, saaaay a friend invites you to birthday party.  When you get there, GASP!, you find that everyone at the party is your friend in fucking disguise.  And the REAL reason why were you invited?  Well, isn’t it obvious?!?  So that they can all murder you.

The ONLY disguise kit anyone would ever need. Works everytime.

Fregoli Delusion, named after Leopoldi Fregoli, a stage actor known for his quick changes between scenes, is the opposite Capgras.  Sufferers of Fregoli believe that everyone they know, and hell everyone else, are in fact the same person who simply changes their appearance or is in disguise.  And the reason for this?  This specific person is out to get them.

It was first described by Courbon and Fail in 1927 in a case study of, get this, a “coarse featured 27-year old single woman” who led a life of taking shit jobs, sleeping in hostels, and going to the theater.   I’m not sure what “coarse featured means” but I’m guessing she had a shit ton of facial hair and/or acne scars.  And she was probably pretty ugly.  Anyway, she believed that two of the most famous actresses of the day, Robine and Sarah Bernhardt were following her around, disguising themselves (either by dressing to look like those people or actually entering their body to take them over) as other people and doing things like taking over her thoughts and making her do crazy shit, like masturbate.  So from now on, if you’re ever caught “in the act”, just claim Fregoli and say    (insert actor/actress name here)    MADE you do it.  Then look that person in the eye and finish like a boss.

The Symptoms:

Again, pretty freakin’ obvious:

  • Delusions
  • Deficit in self awareness
  • Hallucinations
  • Belief that everyone you see is someone else in disguise.

What Causes It:

  • Levodopa Treatment – L-DOPA treatment, as it is usually called, is used to treat Parkinson’s Disease.  After a shit ton of experiments, medical studies, fact finding missions and fucking with people in general, it was found that prolonged use of antiparkinsonian medications are a HUGE cause of Fregoli
  • Traumatic brain injury
  • Fusiform Gyrus
  • Abnormal P300

Alien Hand Syndrome

What it is:

Take a look at your hands.  Now, imagine one of your hands lifts itself up and starts choking the shit out of you.  You have to have help prying your fingers open to release it’s grip on your neck.  It’s possessed and has a mind of it’s own.  You can feel it there on the end of your arm as though it’s yours, however, you have no control over what it does, you aren’t aware of what it’s doing and it does a whole bunch of shit it’s not supposed to do when it’s not supposed to do it.

You scared, bro?

Alien hand syndrome is a rare disorder in which one hand functions involuntarily, with the victim completely unaware of its action.  It was first identified in 1909, though it wasn’t clearly defined until about 1972 It’s different than involuntary limb movement because the hand will perform actions with a purpose; whether it be a simple gasping motion,  picking up a pen, unbuttoning your shirt, or slapping the ever loving shit out of your face.

Oh, but it gets better.  There are actually a few different subtypes of alien hand syndrome that appear to be associated with specific brain injuries.  For reference purposes, here’s a picture of the brain and it’s various lobes:

Corpus Callosum

Damage to the corpus callosum,  a wide, flat bundle of neural fibers that connect the two hemispheres of the brain, can give rise to “purposeful” actions to the alien hand.  An individual who is left-hemisphere-dominant will experience the left hand becoming alien, the opposite for a right-hemisphere dominant person.  I can also lead to a problem called “inter manual conflict” in which the person’s two hands seem to have opposing purposes, sort of like having dueling hands.

Frontal lobe

Injury to a person’s frontal lobe can cause reaching, grasping and other purposeful movements in the alien hand.  In the case of  anteromedial (located toward the front and in the middle) frontal lobe injury, movements are often exploratory reaching movements in which external objects such as tools and such are grasped and actually fucking used without the person even knowing they are doing it.  Oh, and once the object is actually in the alien hand the patient usually can’t release the object, and literally has to peel the fingers of the hand back off of the object.

Parietal and occipital lobes

Damage to the parietal lobe and/or occipital lobe of the brain cause movements in the alien hand tend to withdraw the palm of the hand away from any sort of contact rather than reaching out to specifically grasp objects.  The hand basically moves on it’s own to specifically AVOID contact with things in the palm of the hand and are usually less coordinated then movements shown in the frontal lobe variation of the syndrome.  So forget about wishing this alien hand will give you it’s own version of  “the stranger”.

The Symptoms:

Suffers of AHS can feel the hand and they know it’s there.  They don’t want it cut off or anything, but they feel that their hand has a mind of it’s own and acts of it’s own free will, independent of their normal behavior.  They feel that they have no control over the movements of the ‘alien’ hand and that the hand has the capability of acting autonomously.

What Causes It:

Well, if you read about the various different types of this syndrome then you know it’s usually caused by brain injuries.

(End of Pt. 1, bro.  Hang out for part 2)


The Eye…


Here’s an interesting thought to ponder.  Ever notice how when you hold direct eye contact with someone for too long you tend to get uncomfortable and have to look away, even if it’s just to break that contact and take a brief glance elsewhere?  Why is that?  It’s almost like a barrier in our unconscious minds (two very important words to remember) prevents us from holding that gaze, much like our instinctive fear of the dark, falling, reptiles, or accidentally coming across a homemade porn video made by our parents.   There is something ingrained in our psyche that says “Whoa, relax with the eye contact for a sec or shit you can’t possibly understand, or handle, will happen”.  I’ve wondered about why this is so for quite some time now.  And now I have a theory.

There's a reason why IT WAS NOT LABELED!

We Are All Connected

First, lets get into a bit of quantum physics.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “we are all connected” and blew it off as some new age hippie garbage.  But, in a very real sense it’s true.  DNA has revealed that all life forms use the same mechanism for cell division and that all seven billion of us are equally connected to each other.   RNA and DNA have been found all over space and is probably where life on Earth actually came from.  We are all part of the universe.  We may all share a universal “consciousness” and not even know it.   I’m not a religious man, but this basically supports Genesis 1:27; “And God made man in his image, in the image of God he made him: male and female he made them.”  We have consciousness and “God” IS consciousness; the  universal, pre-existing consciousness that has always been and always will and works in the background to “observe” and keep “reality” moving.  And we are part of it.

Think of it like pixels on a TV screen.  Each individual pixel has it’s own coordinates on the screen, but EVERY PIXEL on that screen works in unison to create a BIGGER PICTURE.

The Observer Effect and Multiverses

There’s a ton of theories floating around quantum physics right now, some of the more notable ones being the “Observer Effect” (see the link “observe” above) and “Multiverse Theory”.  The Observer Effect indicates that reality exists because we observe it.  Nothing actually exists until someone or something observes it.  The Observer Effect has been conducted successfully in laboratories and is demonstrated in one of the most famous mental exercises called “Schrödinger Cat“.

Physicist Erwin Schrödinger developed this little mental exercise in 1935.  Basically, you stick a cat in a box and then put a vial of poison in there with it, along with a tiny bit of some radioactive substance and a Geiger counter.  Attach a hammer to the Geiger counter and then seal that box up and leave it for an hour.  If the Geiger counter detects that the radioactive substance is starting to decay, it triggers the hammer to smash the vial of poison, thus killing the cat.  If it doesn’t, well then the cat still has all 9 lives intact.  But how do you know if the cat is alive or dead?  You don’t until you open that box and observe it.  To further fuck with you, The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that while that cat is in the box, it is simultaneously alive and dead.  It’s not until you open the box and observe it that you can determine which state the cat is in.  This leads to Multiverse Theory.

Without getting too far into the mind fuck that is Multiverse Theory, it basically states that there are an infinite number of universes that overlap each other and, therefore, there are an infinite number of “you’s”.  If there are an infinite number of “you’s” and “everyone else’s” then that means there is an infinite amount of consciousness floating around in infinite universes.  The choices  you make determine where you end up in the universe.  Every time you make a decision about something, it is possible that you could have gone the other way, and according to quantum mechanics, you did go the other way, only in an alternative reality.  Thus, every choice is a probable reality and becomes so, splitting our very existence up into an infinite number of realities.

In an infinite amount of universes there is only 1 Chuck Norris. Once he makes a decision, there are no other decisions.

Multiverse theory supports Quantum Superposition, another fundamental principle of quantum mechanics demonstrated by Schrodinger’s Cat.  Quantum Superposition states that if it is possible for a physical system to be in some particular configuration, and if it is simultaneously possible for the system to be in a different configuration or configurations, (if is is possible that the cat is alive in that box and it is possible that the cat is dead in the box, or even mutilated in some fashion) then the system is in an indeterminate state that, when measured, gives results consistent with having been partly in each of the possible configurations (the state that the cat is in is not determined until you open that box and look at it, or measure it).  Multiverse then goes further and says, when you open that box, at the quantum level, a new universe is created.  In one, the cat is alive, in another the cat is dead.

To sum it all up:  Nothing exists until we observe or measure it, and once we do, it exists in an infinite number of states in an infinite number of universes.

Black Holes

A black hole is a region of spacetime from which almost nothing (more on this in a few), not even light, can escape. The theory of general relativity indicates that a sufficiently compact mass will deform spacetime to form a black hole, i.e. when heavy stars collapse at the end of their life cycle.  One of the defining characteristics of black holes is their event horizon. The event horizon is the point of no return for both matter and light.  Once they pass that boundary they can only go inward towards the mass of the black hole, never to escape.  The event horizon is called the event horizon because if an event occurs within the boundary, information from that event cannot reach an outside observer, making it impossible to determine if the event occurred at all.  So, in a way, the event horizon is like the Vegas of the universe.

Your Eye and Consciousness

Now, go to a mirror and take a look at your eye.  Notice anything?  Look at your pupil.  It’s essentially a black circular HOLE.  That black hole takes in light from your environment, which enables you to see.  Light is taken in by your eye and sent to your brain, (which, by the way, if you’ve ever seen a 3D map of the observable universe, it conveniently looks like a neural network, or in other words a brain) which translates that light into images.  Light can’t escape your eye, so in a sense it’s a tiny black hole.  Kind of spooky.  You’ve got two little black holes floating around on your head.

So here’s where it get’s interesting.  Here’s where everything sort of ties in together.  Consciousness, oneness, observation, black holes, and reality.  Try this experiment:

1.  Find someone you are comfortable with.  It can be anyone.  A spouse, a sibling, a son or daugher, a friend, whoever.
2.  Sit down directly in front of each other and make eye contact directly in each others right eye.  Make sure you are both looking directly in each others right eye.  This is essential.
3.  After about a minute to a minute and a half or so you may start to feel uncomfortable and get that urge to look away for a second.  That innate “fear” will kick in.  You have to overcome this and maintain that eye contact.  Try not to blink at all, and if you have to, try to keep it at a single blink.  This is essential.
4.  The result should only take about 3 minutes.  And what happens I can’t describe to you here.  It must be observed by you.  You have to experience it to understand… But I will say you will understand what is meant by the phrase “we are all connected”.

Now, here’s what I mean by almost nothing can escape a black hole and if you are successful in the experiment you’ll most certainly understand.  I believe there is one thing that can escape a black hole.  Consciousness.  That all powerful universal state of being.  The thing that makes you who you are and me who I am and the universe(s) what it (they) are.  Try the experiment above and feel free to post your results in the comments.

 


Well, Looks Like 99% of Americans Living in the South are Terrorists


The FBI and Homeland Security have released a list that contains what might make someone a domestic terrorist (or a terrorist in general).  This list pretty much indicates that most of the population of the southern United States (and many regions of Appalachia) are terrorists.   Let’s take a look at some of the most ignorant items on this list.  And by ignorant I mean these are REALLY fucking stupid.  See for yourself.

Note the NRA hat, the Marlboro Reds, and the shirt that MAY indicate something along the lines of violence to another person on Cletus, and the OBVIOUS crossed eyes from "terroristin'" on Bucephelus. Also, Bucephalus's name sounds A LOT like "encephalitis" which is a brain illness you can contract from mosquitoes. Mosquitoes that were probably released by terrorists.

  • Second Amendment-oriented views (NRA or gun club membership, holding a CCW permit) and frequent proclamation of  Constitutional Rights- Basically, the 2nd Amendment protects the right’s of U.S. citizens to keep and bear arms.  There are several versions of the text for this Amendment, two of which are:
    As passed by the Congress:  A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. 
    As ratified by the States
    : A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.This fundamental right was viewed as important by early ‘Merican’s for a few reasons:

    • deterring undemocratic government;
    • repelling invasion;
    • suppressing insurrection;
    • facilitating a natural right of self-defense;
    • participating in law enforcement;
    • enabling the people to organize a militia system

    So, in essence, if you tout your right to keep firearms, support Charlton Heston and the NRA, or possess a gun permit, and you talk about that shit, there is a good indication you are being a terrorist.  Go look in the mirror you sad sunuvabitch.

    And proclamation of CONSTITUTIONAL GODDAMN RIGHTS?!?! The Constitution was created by our FOUNDING FUCKING FOREFATHERS to outline our INALIENABLE RIGHTS!! Soooooo every one of the brave men that founded OUR COUNTRY were apparently terrorists.  Because, HA! These fools actually believed the shit they founded an entire country ON!! It’s like the biggest April Fools joke EVER!!

    The NRA was created by PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE!!!

  • Survivalist literature (fictional books such as “Patriots” and “One Second After” are mentioned by name) – Any books about self sufficiency, surviving during and after sort of catastrophe disaster (ELE and/or TEOTWAWKI), and basically teaching you how to keep your ass alive indicates that, yes, you are probably a terrorist or at some point you may become one.  Why should we know how to keep ourselves and our families alive if one day the world decides “Fuck you, I’m over you existing. I think you need to die right now!”  Answer:  You are actually supposed to just give up.  I mean, why try, right?  Just punch yourself in the crotch until you pass out and maybe when you wake up you’ll think more clearly.
  • Self-sufficiency (stockpiling food, ammo, hand tools, medical supplies) – Oh boy.  I’ve seen a few “couponers” on TV that are fucked ROYALLY right now.  They need to stop stockpiling their shit, take turns posting up at their windows and doors, and keep a keen eye out for the law enforcement that is going to raid their house at any time and steal all of that creamed corn they have in their “walk in cupboard whose design was influenced by God”.  Contrary to popular belief, you are supposed to run out of food so you can go spend all of your money at the grocery stores.  If you have a gun, forget ammo, just shoot peas from your stockpiles of food.  Hand tools?  HA! Use your teeth.  Injured? Don’t use band aids or gauze,  just bleed.  Headache?  Punch yourself in the groin until that pain overpowers that silly headache of yours.  You aren’t supposed to use Excedrin.  Terrorists use Excedrin you silly bastard.

    What a terrorist's table may look like. Take a mental picture.

  • Religious views concerning the book of Revelation (apocalypse, anti-Christ) – I’m not particularly religious.  Okay, I’m not religious AT ALL.  But every minister, priest, bishop, deacon, reverend, WHATEVER, in the world have religious views on the book of Revelation right now.  So, basically when you go to church on Sunday it’s not a congregation of fellow Christians, it’s a fucking terrorist gathering.   The rise of the anti-Christ, the mark of the beast, the Apocalypse… It’s all terrorist propaganda.  The conspiracy theory behind the book of Revelation is that the mark of the beast is actually a tracking chip that is implanted into people during surgeries and what not.  This may not be so far fetch as it actually happened recently.  Scary shit.  The whole Apocalypse thing sounds a lot like nuclear war and the anti-Christ is probably a member of the famed Illuminatiwho tries to rally the world under one leader.   The fact that they don’t want people believing this stuff is because they want to divert your attention from what is really happening.  At least, that’s the theory.  And only terrorists believe that sort of thing. 
  • Homeschooling – This is surprising.  Homeschooling.  Huh.  Who would have thought?  I mean, don’t even bother to take into account that public schools today are a lesson in how to survive in an EXTREMELY hostile environment.  Kids today are extremely likely to get dragged into a bathroom and gang raped, beaten, and then gang raped again.  People choose to homeschool their children for many reasons including providing more focused, individualized instruction, helping the public school system with fewer kids, poor public school environments, religious reasons, and objections to what is taught locally in public school.  I’m sure “teaching kids how to build and operate car bombs and/or other small arm weapons of death and destruction” or ‘finding the most advantageous position to set up a sniper nest in crowded public environment” will probably never show up as a reason for homeschooling.

    "See this here, son? This is how you blow shit up effectively. There will be a quiz on this tomorrow."

  • Significantly alters appearance from visit to visit (shaving beard, changing hair color or style, style of dress, etc.) – Well, apparently shaving is not acceptable for men anymore.  The “rough and rugged” look is in both fashionably AND with the government.  Also, ladies, completely forget about dying your hair or getting it cut, because that’s what terrorists do.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  You can’t wipe your ass with the wrong kind of toilet paper today without being called a terrorist.  I guess Gillette, Schick, and Bic are out of fucking business.  So are L’oreal, Garnier, Clairol, Feria and every other boxed hair color brand.  Next we will be told if someone uses Kleenex over Charmin, they are probably building explosive lined vests in their basements.

    Not sports heroes. TERRORISTS!!

  • Having missing hand(s) or finger(s), chemical burns, strange odors, or brightly colored stains on clothing – Good Jesus, if you are a Shop or Chemistry teacher you are literally FUCKED on this deal.  You will probably have to sign an “I Promise I’m not a Terrorist Agreement” before you can teach children sometime in the near future.  And MAKE SURE YOU SHOWER.  Like a motherfucker.  But don’t shave.  Because if you stink AND are well shaven, missing fingers and/or  have bleach stains on your clothes, or you are French, you probably have a small arm explosive somewhere on your person.  According to the government.

    So you're probably a fucking terrorist.

  • Demonstrates interest in uses that do not seem consistent with the intended use of item being purchased – Okay, let me just say that cucumbers, bananas, melons and carrots have been used in a manner ” not consistent with the intended use of the item being purchased ” for about as long as people have had right minds and genitals.  As have bottles of all shapes and sizes, condiments such as honey, chocolate, and syrup, Vaseline and baby oil, and various pies.

    Fuck a pie lately? Yes? You fucking terrorist, you!!!

  • Possesses little knowledge of the item(s) being purchased – How many times have you purchased some new “technology” from Best Buy or HHGregg or some other place and have not known what the fuck you were supposed to do with it?  Well, I haven’t but there ARE people who have.  And these people were probably born before 1975.  I’m pretty damn “tech savvy” but there are many (old) folks out there who will buy a new cell phone or computer because the sales rep at their local electronics store sold them on it and they can’t even make a fucking phone call or create a user name to log in.  Does that mean they are terrorists?  NO!  That means they have to call a son or daughter or a friend or coworker who DOES know how their new purchase works and get a lesson on new technology.  I’m pretty sure if you are a terrorist, you’ve gotten the run down on how some shit you will use to blow some other shit up works in a sort of “Terrorist Camp” and you know EXACTLY what you are looking for.  This shouldn’t even be CONSIDERED.

    The sales guy told us we just had to drop them on people!!!

  • You have a bumper sticker or other paraphernalia supporting Ron Paul for president – Yup.  If you support Ron fucking PAUL for our next president then you may as well just join Al Qaeda.  I’m just going to rest my case on this one.

I REALLY Hope This Isn’t Another Troll Job. Then Again It Probably IS…


Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN!!!!

There is a “new” site up on the interwebz and it appears that it involves the infamous Illuminati.   Click there and it brings to a featureless, black homepage.  Now, press Ctrl+A to highlight all on the page.  In the upper left corner you see a countdown that seemingly ends on December 7 of this year at around 8:00 a.m.

The Illuminati

Now, I HIGHLY doubt this has to do with the Illuminati, but  for shits and giggles I’ll give you some background on who the Illuminati is anyway.

The name Illuminati itself means “People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something.”  Historically, the it refers to the Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, an Enlightenment Era secret society founded on May 1, 1776 by a Jesuit trained professor of canon law at the University of Ingolstadt named Adam Weishaupt.

Kind of looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay with a wig. "I used to rule the world..." Everybody sing... Nevermind.

Illuminati was founded on a few principles:

  • Masonic Secrets
  • Muslim Mysticism
  • Hatha Yoga

They also liked to sit around and smoke hash to produce their “illuminated” state of mind, similar to Hashashins.   The name “Hashashins” literally means “users of hash” and is where the more recognized term “assassin” is supposedly derived from.

I am so high right now. I can barely stay on my horse. Can we eat before we go kill this dude?

If you take into account that the symbol for the Illuminate includes the Sun, a pyramid and the all seeing eye, you can actually kind of trace it’s roots back to the ancient Egyptians and their religion. The sun god Ra, the Eye of Horus, and the pyramids.

Heeeeey guys! I'm Ra! Don't you just LOVE my fabulous head dress!! Somebody has Suuuun Gooood envy!!!

More recently, the Illuminati are supposedly a shadowy conspiratorial organization that allegedly control world affairs through present day governments and big corporations and are involved in everything from TV to Movies to Music, with the ultimate plan being to establish a New World Order.  In other words, one totalitarian government to rule the entire world.  Conspiracy theorists say that the signs of the Illuminati are everywhere, including the $1.00 bill to Jay-Z’s new album cover.

c-o-n-SPIRACY!!!

There's supposed to be scarab beetles, and pyramids and all sorts of other illuminate shit all over this bling of a cover.

So there you have it.  We have a group that works behind the scenes, trying to take over the world, and rule everything under one government, one religion, one currency… and they apparently have a website that is as easy as typing in http://www.illuminati.org.

The Site

Doing some research, it appears as though this webpage has been online since early 1996.  So, it’s not really “new” at all, hence the “new” in quotes both at the beginning of this blog and here.  1996? That is a helluva long time.  If you click on that link and look at the timeline at the top of the page you can kind of scroll it back and forth to see how the page has looked over time.  It started off as a sort of Illuminati info/history/membership site.  Then it changed to this.  And there was a sort of blog thing going on for a while there, too.  If you read this blog entry they had apparently opened up their membership for a little over a year but no one qualified as no one was able to find their headquarters.  People had called phone numbers, and drove past houses and sent emails and what not but no one found their “secret fort”.  Now, we have a countdown and as you know, countdowns are ALWAYS interesting.

Countdown to fucking PARTY TIME!!!

You can’t view the source code for the page (ALWAYS one of the first things you should do in these cases) without having some sort of web developer add-on for your browser.  Tricky fucks.  I DO happen to have a FEW so I was able to check it out.  In addition to seeing the code for the timer there was this interesting little bit of code:

    function displayTZCountDown(countdown,tzcd) {
      if (countdown < 0) {
        document.getElementById("countdownTimer").innerHTML = "Sorry, you are too late.";

Basically, if you get to this page AFTER the timer ends, you will get the message “Sorry, you are too late”.  There is nothing else in the code that indicates anything else is going to show up on the site.  So whatever is supposed to go down on this date, if you go to their website after it happens, you are apparently too late and you are informed of your tardiness.  It’s like having to go to the principals office if you are tardy.  This is pretty fucking baffling.  They may as well just put “OOOOOOOH, YOU’RE LAAAAATE” on their site, because to this day, even though I’m a grown ass man, if a child says “OOOOOOOH” I wonder what the fuck I did wrong and who they are telling.

If a child does this and the word "OOOOOOOOHHH!" comes out of his or her mouth, I don't give a fuck how old you are, you KNOW you did something wrong.

In Conclusion

I’m HOPING that this is something legit.  I mean, there are already theories ABOUND about this on Abovetopsecret.com, as there are about everything else.  I’m guessing it’s PROBABLY a new 24 hour round of recruiting for the “Illuminati”.  Yes, I think this whole thing is a troll.  But, if anything, it gets you looking around and researching a pretty interesting part of history and, in turn, you learn a few things.  That’s what the internet is about anyway isn’t it? Maybe they ARE the Illuminati because they get you searching and by searching you acquire knowledge.  Knowledge = Enlightenment.


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